


Fluttering Fresnels

by Tinalouise88



Category: Anne of Green Gables - L. M. Montgomery
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ballet, F/M, Mild Language, School, Teen Pregnancy, dance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 83,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27247654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tinalouise88/pseuds/Tinalouise88
Summary: They say the apple never falls far from the tree.  Former Teen parents Anne and Gilbert never wished any of their children to face what they went through. They had one rule for their children. Don’t Get Pregnant, or a girl Pregnant when you lived under their roof.All Rilla wanted was to be a prima ballerina. She didn’t expect sharing a drunken night with Kenneth Ford would change her life as it did, or not being able to contact him with the news. Faced with her new life Rilla battles her family's expectations, school and trying to understand what it means to be a parent while still being a child herself.
Relationships: Bertha Marilla "Rilla" Blythe/Kenneth Ford, Gilbert Blythe/Anne Shirley
Comments: 153
Kudos: 45





	1. Two Lines

**Author's Note:**

> Fluttering Fresnels Playlist 
> 
> Cruel Summer- Taylor Swift  
> Night Changes-One Direction  
> Love me Like you do- Ellie Goulding  
> Shape of you-Ed Sheeran  
> When it all falls apart-The Veronicas  
> Shoulda Been Simple-Marie Digby  
> Style-Taylor Swift  
> Perfect-Marianas Trench  
> When the Love Fall, Wait There, and Kiss the Rain by Yiruma.  
> 23- Jimmy Eats World  
> Small Bump- Ed Sheeran  
> She Hasn't always been this way- Doc Walker

September 2017

I stared at the white stick in my hand, Ingleside was completely deserted thankfully. Dad was on call at the hospital, Shirley was at his part-time job. While my mom who was the principal at the local high school was at school. Despite the students had been given the day off. 

My high school, the one that all us kids graduated from. 

The one that I was supposed to graduate from. 

I took a quick peek at the small window viewing of the stick, my heart beating fast as I felt the panic rise in my stomach. I quickly fell to the floor from the side of the tub and promptly vomited my breakfast into the toilet. 

It told me exactly what I already knew. 

I moaned as laid my head on the seat not caring about hygienics. I waited for a moment before wiped my mouth as I stood up shakily, still clutching the test in my hand. 

I was in grade eleven, a dancer whose only dream was to dance in one of the two best Canadian Ballet Companies. Yet here I was two months past my sixteenth birthday holding a pregnancy test. There was never a lack of sex education in our house. My parents didn’t expect us to be foolish. Sexual health was a common topic and condoms were always available to us. While us girls were given birth control talks as soon as we made an interest in boys and got our periods.

They had no left any excuse for foolishness. They both felt like they could easily usher their flock. Through the ins and outs of those teenage years without becoming grandparents. Mostly because they had been young parents themselves. My eldest sibling was born three months after our mother turned eighteen. Two days after her high school graduation. While dad had been in his second year of college. 

No one in the family had been extremely pleased, of course. Though Aunt Marilla often reminded my mom in a stern but gentle voice, ‘What is done is done, Anne’. So Joy was born with as much fanfare that my mother could muster. Despite fighting to stay in school and dealing with losing most of her friends back in 1985.

How was I going to tell them?

All I knew I was going to be the biggest disappointment this house had ever seen. Sure we all had our moments of shame, but this would top the cake. 

For I was the one who now was staring at a positive test. 

Walter would be disappointed. 

Walter would give me that look he does so well when I do something he disapproves of. He looked so happy the day he came home for the weekend. Dad had taken me to write my class five learners' permit days after my sixteenth birthday. I failed three times before I managed to pass the test and was given my license. I was excited as I sat on the driver's side for the first time. Trying to make sense of everything I was supposed to do as my father gave me my first driving lesson. 

By the time I pulled into the driveway, the family had been waiting on the porch all cheering. I skipped out suddenly happier as I did a small curtsey before skipping up the steps. Maybe freedom wouldn’t be that bad? 

Then I saw him, his dark hair as he pulled me into one of his hugs. Walter was home! 

He was the big brother I looked up to, he was my idol growing up and now at twenty-two. He just graduated from University and was going on a trip with a bunch of long time friends.They were headed to Egypt and a few weeks in the desert, before making their way across Europe all the way to London before returning for Christmas. He was excited as he packed as he went on about the trip and what was expect and who was going on the trip. 

If I had only known what was in store. 

How Kenneth Ford would walk into my life once again and never leave. 

Kenneth Ford, he was the anomaly of my life. 

I remember having a crush on Ken when I was young. He was handsome and reminded me of the boys from the poster that hung on my wall from various bands when I was ten. He was cool and then he moved away even though our family kept in touch. Our mothers being best friends. He was close to six years older than I was and the last time I had seen him I was twelve. 

_"What happened to that ten-year-old I left here! You’re all grown up!” he grinned at me and held up his hand for a high five. I fight back an eye roll at the high five, what was I five? Still, I twirled for him in the dress my sister Joy had chosen. A light minty green ‘junior’ bridesmaid dress for me to wear. It was long and floaty with delicate spaghetti straps.A neckline just high enough to be modest for a twelve-year-old._

I had spent the previous six months watching what I ate to wear that dress, practising dance every evening. Working on strengthening my ankles, my new passion for dance was to be on pointe. To look like the tall willowy ballerinas that hung up on my bedroom wall for that dress Joy picked out. I didn’t like my growing body. While I had grown and slimmed-down, nothing would stop my breasts from growing. I didn’t like how the boys in the class snickered and commented about my sports bra I wore underneath my leotard.

He was the reason I was in this mess as I looked down at the two little lines on the test once again hoping they changed. 

They hadn’t

How was I going to tell him? 

Was it even possible to tell him? My mind wandered to ‘that’ night, that I remembered vaguely.Though the morning after was burned into my memory. 

* * *

Six weeks previous 

_There was a distraught look on his face when I re-entered the kitchen. He had given me a ride home, despite my initial refusal during the awkward morning wake up. I had excused myself to go change into some clean clothes when we arrived. Shorts and a pastel leotard that I wore often enough for dance class._

_The house was deserted which was strange for the summertime. Where were the twins? Shirley?_

_He looked around hesitantly unsure of how to act around me. He looked around the place, on anything besides me as I walked past him to get some coffee. He was trying to decipher the situation._

_“Rilla,” He finally spoke as I took a swig of cold brew from the fridge. I could feel his gaze fall on me for the first time. I was also fully aware that I wasn’t wearing a bra, and I was slightly shorter than I was the last time he had seen me. I had worn platforms the previous night and this morning I barely made it to his shoulder of his 6’2 frame. My hair was just above my shoulders in a ray of wild curls that were a vibrant purple at the moment._

_The look on his face spoke volumes of how he felt, and how he felt for waking up next to his best friend's younger sister. “Ken, it’s fine I’m sixteen, it’s all consensual and legal. We can just forget about it?” I offer him._

_Just like how I tried to forget about Fred Arnold breaking up with me after I had given him everything. About being told ballet school was too expensive, how life was so unfair when it came to my dreams._

_“But—?” Ken started._

_“Were we both not drunk?” I asked him pointedly. I had been, not to mention the few hits of the joint I had taken. He had been drinking as I remember some sort of can in his hand. “No one was taken advantage of. I’m not some virgin who is going to cry rape. Was it a tad surprising to wake up with you next to me, sure, but it could have worse.” I told him in a hushed voice._

_I could have woken up to Fred Arnold, again. Giving in to his pleas of sex once more. Instead, I had vague memories of Ken's kisses and hands on my body. Not necessarily a bad memory if I had to have a memory of it._

_“You’re my friend's little sister,” Ken let out his guilt. “But what were you even doing at that party? Why were you calling yourself Marnie?”_

_I found myself shrugging. Going to house and beach parties was something my friends Rena and Ellie had gotten me to do. They had nicknamed me Marnie over the last semester of school._

_“Does it matter? I was at a party big deal?” I shrug ignoring his question about my nickname. “We were safe were we not?”_

_“I saw a condom wrapper in the trash bag” Ken replied with a solemn nod. At least someone looked because it only occurred to me at that moment. “And it does matter Rilla, you were in a space full of drunk guys. And wasn’t your birthday only last month? What if you were still fifteen?” He asked._

_I nodded. “My birthday was on the 17th of July and all that means nothing illegal happened. Either way, I was drunk as well and look who I managed to fuck?” I spat it out. I was annoyed at his condescending response. He stood for a moment unsure of what to say. We couldn’t change what happened. Because it happened. He felt guilty, and I was too hungover to care at moment. Even if he did have a point that my birthday had only been a month before._

_“Well, I should have known better,” he spoke after a moment. “I should have recognized you long before I woke up next to you.” What he was thinking was that he should have recognized me before undressing me. Except four years had passed and I had inches to my body in more ways than height. Dance had toned my body. I wasn’t the twelve years old he had seen four years ago._

_It’s still rather fresh, although hazy in my mind_

_I had been dancing to Ed Sheeran, which blasted from the portable speaker. Drinking from my water bottle filled with vodka and diet soda around the bonfire. We had driven out to the beach near the lighthouse. The old fresnel light flashing above us in steady time. A rhythm that lent to the atmosphere of the party, loud music and dancing. There I saw him across the way, leaning against a rock with a drink in his hand. Talking to some boys that I didn’t necessarily know, then again I don’t know many at this party. Catching each other gaze we gravitated toward each other. Something gave me a thrill as I looked at him. How he reminded me of someone that I couldn’t quite place in my drunken state._

_Soon we were dancing, laughing as I pulled him to the lighthouse. His lips finding mine as my friends were yelling out Marnie as I disappeared. The feeling of his lips on my neck, my hand running over his body, down over his hips._

_“You called yourself Ben,” I say thinking over the night. I look in the fridge once more and checked the expiration on the soy yogurt container. Frowning at the fat content in the process before I put it back in the fridge._

_“No, I did not,” Ken shook his head. “You must have miss heard me.” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “Can I have at least some coffee?”_

_I shrugged but passed him the pitcher of cold brew. “It’s black,” I warn him. So I watch him drink while I continue to think of the previous night._

_My small red halter dress I wore to combat the humid heat of the night. How we wandered down the beach, to one of the many pitched tents around. I could still hear the faint melody of an Ellie Goulding song in the background. As the ties of my halter came undone, his shirt hitting the floor. I remember how I stumbled slightly falling into him, looking up I kissed him trying to cover my misstep._

_I shrug. “Well, at least I wasn’t calling you Todd or something.”_

_He looks at me and pokes his head into the fridge. To find everything organic, sugar-free on one lone shelf. Milk and eggs segregated to another shelf. “When did this house have healthy food? Where is the ever supply of bacon?”_

_“Since I became pretty much vegan,” I shrug. Mentally I debating if I wanted to go raid the medicine cabinet for Plan B.Did Dad even still stock that? Or did he pass them along when the twins went to college?_

_I don’t have time to think about it as the back door opens suddenly. I watch my Dad stroll in from his early morning run. The one he takes when he gets off nightshift. I watch him take the earbuds out of his ear. “Ken, what are you doing here? I thought you would be in Toronto until you leave in a few weeks.”_

_"Yes, uh I just got stopped by to see the family who gets in tomorrow. I got in last night and spent the night over the harbour at my cousins” Ken stumbled over his words. Suddenly I understood why he was at the party. The party was next door to his cousins, but why was he sleeping in a tent? I gave him a confused look. “I ran into Rilla walking back from her friends.” He made an excuse that he didn’t need to make and I gave him a look for it._

_“Of course, but aren’t your cousins away?” Dad claps him on the shoulder. He had always been like another son. I wonder what he would do he knew what exactly happened between Ken and me last night._

_“They are, but since I am going to be sleeping in a tent for the next few months, I figured it is good practice,” Ken replied. Playing it cool like he had done this before, but he gave me an explanation that explained the tent and why he was there._

_“I’m going to go shower,” I started trying to get out of the room._

_“Come here for a moment sweetheart, did you eat breakfast?” My dad says, I only nod which I see Ken's brow furrow. He knows I just lied about eating, but doesn’t say it. I drag my feet towards dad. “I hope you had fun at the sleepover last night,” he presses a kiss on the crown of my head. I know this move, as he is trying to smell any scent of alcohol that may have been consumed, or more likely spilled. The legal drinking age is nineteen on the island._

_Ken watches me, taking in all my lies but says nothing._

_Over the years and with me being the youngest they had gotten more relaxed and less concerned about parties. Not to mention I rarely went out, unless it was with a few good friends who I went dancing with. I was too focused on dance to mess up my life. Their train of thought seemed to be of how much trouble could I get into? They never imagined me going to the old lighthouse to drink and skinny dip in the moonlight with my new friends. But I did and did multiple other things over the summer when I came back from summer intensive._

Then again I never thought I would land myself in this predicament…

“Apparently we weren’t safe enough,” I groan at the memory of the memory as tears started to stream down my face. The weight of my predicament is slowly washing over me. 

I was pregnant.

I was pregnant from a guy who was someone in the middle of now where. A guy who was six years older than me. 

A guy who I had no phone number for, a guy I had no way of contacting at all easily. 

Oh god, I was pregnant. 

Oh god, I was pregnant. 


	2. Stolen Dreams

I cleaned up the bathroom and broke down the small box the test had come in. I bought it after dance class before catching the bus home. My dance studio was in Charlottetown and it was the only one around. I hid the box in my room before laying down on my bed. I grabbed my computer from my nightstand and opened it up. I didn’t even know where to begin to even search for him.  Not many  people my age use Facebook, I don’t even remember the last time I  actively  signed in. 

I knew I had Walter on it so I went to his page first. It was full of photos of Canada Day family get together. Back before I had cut off my long locks in favour of something shorter. While mom had a heart attacked when I had come with not only shorter hair but also bright purple. It wasn’t permanent but it was lasting long enough to my delight. 

_“You had such pretty hair,” my mom murmured as she saw it. She wasn’t against hair dye, but mom had a love-hate relationship with her own red hair. She had dyed it back when she was twelve years old, except the henna had turned her hair green._

Dad's reaction was  just  a double-take when he came home that night. Looking towards his wife for some sort of clarification. Who  just  shrugged her shoulders, the purple while shocking wasn’t horrible. She had seen worse in her days at school as a teacher and now principal. 

I did look different I told myself as I noted the Persis had liked the photo. She was  apparently  in Japan the last time I heard anyway. I took a deep breath before clicking on Walter's Friends list. Scrolling through knowing I had seen Ken’s Facebook profile before. 

I clicked on Ken's face. It was  sadly  lacking as a page, or  extremely  private? Even his photo had  been taken  sometimes in the past five years. I hovered over the friend request, before deciding against it. Why make it any more awkward? 

I had seen him once more before he and Walter flew out for their trip of a lifetime.

It had been awkward. 

_I was counting out my steps as I dance on the small section of the floor that my dad had made for me in the basement of the house._

_I step into the fourth position and Demi plié with left leg to the back, and my arms out. I talk to myself as I go through the steps._

_Relevé Passé Devant._

_I do my turn quickly, rising, falling as I continue to revolve in front of the mirror. Spotting myself as I whip my leg around. Arms crossing and held up against my body and out again. Up and down, in and out. My tutu bounced with each relevé, sweat slowly soaking through my dark green leotard. _

_I look in the mirror once more and see Ken in the mirror. I whip around once more before finishing and returning to the fourth position._

_I bend and reach for my water bottle as I watch him, stand there for a moment as he reads something on his phone. My pointe shoes tap against the floor as I walk over to the small cd player._

_“Walter is in his room,” I tell him._

_“That is what your mother told me,” Ken responded. “You’ve gotten good at dance,” He speaks finally as he pockets his phone. I realize he had never seen me dance before, not on pointe anyway. Joy’s wedding was the last time we had seen each other and that just a lot of goofy dances with Walter. Along with an obligatory dance with dad as he made his way through his daughters._

_“I dance a lot,” I shrug as I wipe the sweat off my forehead._

_“Of course, well, I will leave you to it?” He said with a nod of his head as he carefully walked around my dance floor to Walter's room._

You could cut the tension with a knife that afternoon.

Hitting message instead I waited for the chat room box to open. 

Walter had warned us the wifi and internet would be touch and go. If they ventured into town they would have it. If not, their phones would be  fairly  useless to them. Mom and dad weren’t thrilled but they had survived college and being long distance as a young family. While dad did medical school without the internet.

Ken and Walter were both history majors with a minor in anthropology. Except they went to  entirely  different schools for the last six years. Still, they managed to plan this trip between their two groups of friends. 

I didn’t know what else to say. How does one let someone know that they are going to be a father when there was no relationship to even start with? 

I typed a few lines before settling with 

**‘I need to talk to you, call me please’** I  quickly  added my phone number and hit send before I could chicken out. 

I set aside my computer and waited watching closing trying to see if he would read my message or even get my message. 

I watched for a half-hour, before realizing It was  probably  in the middle of the night. I reached and closed the laptop.  Looking around the small but comfortable room that I had taken over when Jem( my eldest brother) had finally moved out  . The light blue walls that had  been painted  years before.

Still, they suited my preferences more. I never did enjoy sharing a bright colourful room with my two sisters. 

I rolled over to my other side. The last half hour was still ingrained into my mind. The positive sign on the test still not seeming all the real. What were the chances of a false positive? Then again I was two weeks later than I usually was. If the app on my phone said anything truthful about my cycle. All I knew was that my breasts hurt and I was  constantly  feeling nauseous.

I flipped to my back, wiping around the tears that leaked from my eyes. How could I be so stupid? How could I be so irresponsible? All because I had felt left out? Angry? I tried to think about the days, months, years leading up to that day.

I auditioned for Ballet school last year. I had gotten Joy to drive me to Moncton to the Atlantic Ballet School to audition. I wanted to know if I had what it took to be a ballerina. If I wanted I could add Walter telling me he was leaving for his trip before I left for a summer intensive. I was angry that our rocky horror tradition at Halloween would  be cancelled  . My parents hadn’t  been impressed  when he introduced me to the movie at twelve years old. Then the past three years we dressed up and we drove into Charlottetown to see the movie. It was the first time I saw the other side of him, it was the first time I saw him hold another guy's hand. It was the first time I  truly  understood Walter was gay. He was always careful watching those around me.  Just  as I was  carefully  watching the people around him. I was generally the first one to know if he liked someone. It didn’t matter that I was six years his junior. That I was a child in many ways. He always valued my opinion on things. 

I groan thinking back to the positive test. I couldn’t even imagine what my parents would say,  obviously  I would have to tell them at some point. There was little chance that I could hide such a fact from them. 

I didn’t even know how to go about this, how to figure what I needed to do at this point. Everything was a complete mess. Could I even trust a clinic? Everyone knew my Father, any visit sighting of me in a clinic would  be asked  about. He might not know the reason for the visit because of confidentiality, but he would know that I was there. 

I flopped around once more biting into my pillow as I let out a strangled cry. How could I be so god damn stupid? I had one job to do and that was a graduate high school without getting pregnant. I wasn’t even dating someone. Fred Arnold and I broke up at the beginning of summer. Not that I had been heartbroken, I broke up with him after tiring with him. 

Though he would be the first person who my parents would think of when asking who the father was. 

I hear my phone go off. In a moment of panic, I scrambled around to grab. Twisting the blankets around me to the point I almost fell on my twin bed. I sigh when I read that it was from my mother asking me to take out the package of chicken for dinner. I ignored it and turned back to face the wall to wallow in my own self-pity. If she asked, I would pretend that I had fallen asleep out of boredom. 

It was late afternoon when I finally stumbled my way down the stairs. I could hear my father on the phone as he sets down his bag. He was tall with brown curly hair that was  slowly  turning grey. His 50th birthday was in a few weeks, fifty years old, with seven children. 

Yes, there are seven kids in total. Though only two of us were still living full time in the house that my parents had first bought when I was born.

Joy is the oldest at thirty years old, the older sister. She  was married  and was a stepmother to his two children. Jem was twenty-four and the rest of us were born two to three years apart. 

“Yes, yes I will swing by tomorrow. I am on call in an emergency for the next few days.” I heard my dad say. He turned around at the sound of my slippers and smiled at me. “Perfect, have a good day Tom.” He hit the end call on his smartphone and gave me a once over. “Did you even leave the bed today?”

I shrugged, too afraid to even speak to him at the moment. It took me a moment before I managed to remind him that I had ballet that morning. “I danced this morning.” 

“Of course our Prima Donna,” dad's voice was full of warmth. He always made a point to come to my recitals. While ballet school was out of the budget with the twins in college he always made sure that I had my lessons. I had wanted to go to the Ballet School. Except for the Royal Winnipeg Ballet, and the National Ballet School in Toronto was far away. Too expensive when it came to room and board. My education fund was for college or university and not dance school. 

So it had been a firm outstanding no, no matter how much I cried about unfair it was when everyone else got to pick their own schools  . I cried at the unfairness that I wouldn’t be able to chase a dream, to see if I was good enough. The most I could do was the summer intensives, which was a cruel compromise in itself. Leaving with a suitcase full of pointe shoes and leotards, for a taste of a life that I would never have. Explaining why despite  being accepted  into the academic program I wouldn’t be back. Then later I would see those friends in those classroom photos in their leotards on Instagram. While I trudged through the hallways of my regular school.

Instead, I made new friends, friends my parents wouldn’t  entirely  approve of if they knew them of them. 

Look where it got me?

“Rilla? Are you all right?” His voice was full of concern as he took in my red nose and bloodshot eyes. 

“I’m fine,” I answered  quietly  with a shake of my head. 

“Which only means you are not fine,” My father gives me a look. “We can talk bout it in my study if you want.”

“I’m fine,” I shake my head. “I’m  just  tired.” Which wasn’t even a lie. I  was tired, mentally,  emotionally  and  physically. 

“Are you having trouble sleeping again?” He asked me. “We can check your vitamin and iron levels to make sure everything is all right?”

“I’m fine, I  just  had an early morning and long class,” I tell him. The last thing I wanted was blood work done on me at the moment. 

Dad nodded  sympathetically  , as he felt him still check me over for any mysterious illnesses. 

“You should ask your mother to take you shopping this weekend.” My father spoke after a moment. His gaze running  quickly  over my appearance, taking note of the changes I already saw in my body. Puberty was always a strange time, and having a doctor for a father only added to the awkwardness. Nothing beats having your father notice that you needed a larger bra. Even when it came from parental observance. 

In general, my parents were considerate of my aspirations for clean eating. Allow me to become as close to vegan as they would let me over the years. Dad made sure I had the right vitamins and mom tried to find fun recipes. 

Ballet was a cruel world at times, you had to be thin. You have to be light enough to  be picked  up. I was never sure if they knew I had a strange relationship with food. They seemed to be oblivious about it, or they never mentioned it. But they always wanted to know if I ate whatever meal had  just  passed. 

I  merely  nod and spot my zip up on the chair and  quietly  embrace myself in its warmth. Hiding from view as I work on chopping the vegetables for the salad. If he only knew the reason why I was  suddenly  a cup size bigger. 

I was chopping the cucumber when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I dropped the knife hurrying to grab it. Bouncing back  slightly  as it fell off the counter. 

“Easy there kiddo,” my father chuckled. “It’s a phone not a message from God,”

“I’m waiting for a friend to get back to me,” I retorted. 

“Oh is it a boy?” Dad ribs me. “Do I need to  be worried? Do I need to meet him?” 

“Ugh! Dad, please stop,” I make a face at him as I try to not go bright red. “You are not as cool as you think you are. Plus it’s  just  Di asking if she could borrow one of my uniform skirts for Halloween.” I tell as I glance at my phone. 

Di was one-half of my older twin sisters. Dad shook his head. Di had refused to wear the skirt that our uniform came with and only wore the grey pants that the boys wore. “Doesn’t Nan have one?” 

“I don’t know,” I shrug and scoop up the vegetables for the salad. I could feel my father watching me as I worked. I finished my salad and found the package of tofu Mom had put in a marinade for me in the fridge. My stomach flipped, churning in a way that I did not like. I took a slow deep breath and concentrated on hiding my nausea. 

I felt him watch me for a moment before he shook his head and went to change out of his scrubs. It wasn’t long before I heard mom’s car pull up, and the sound of the lock sound out. 

“Rilla darling!” She said greeting me. “How was the dance?” Mom asks when she came through the door and saw me. Dropping a kiss on my hair as she passed by. “I thought I asked you to take out the chicken,” she looked over at me when she saw it was still frozen. 

“I was sleeping when you texted me,” I shrug move away from her.  I feel  her watch me but shakes her head. 

“Where is Shirley?” Mom asks me 

“Working? I don’t know,” I reply. Shirley is a mystery at best, I try to even remember the last time I saw him.  Tinkering away in his room on his computer, or playing dungeon and dragons with his girlfriend. He’s either at school or still in bed depending on the morning when I even leave the house most days. 

“Gil, is Shirley working today?” My mom calls out. 

“He has a shift comic book store!” My dad answers from the master bedroom that was on the main floor. 

“Well, then I guess it is  just  us for dinner, did you eat lunch today?” Mom asks me  curiously. 

“I had a veggie wrap,” I respond  plainly, though anxious at her questions like I usually was when they asked. “With soy milk,” I add for good cause. It’s not that she doesn’t trust me but she still worries about my diet. Though I know if she had any idea how much I obsessed over it, she  probably would be worse about it. They didn’t know about how I inspect my body every morning for any slight change. 

I watch her nod her approval and stick the chicken into the microwave to defrost. I glance at my phone bringing up messenger. I check with an obsessive need to know. God let him respond to my message. 

I click the conversation and my heart drops when I notice that it said Ken had read my message half an hour ago.

No new messages, no hey what’s up?

Nothing. 

No response at all from him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments. Everything will be answered in time have no fear!


	3. Come clean

October 2017

I stare blankly at the same old message. As I did every morning, hoping something might change, that maybe he would write back. 

Three weeks I had been hiding my secret for three weeks. I pretended like nothing was wrong, nothing was happening to me. If I didn’t think about it, it wouldn’t bother me. If I didn’t think about it, maybe I would wake up and it all be a dream? 

Yet every morning I spend my waking moments checking to see if he said anything back. It’s always the same. The days turn into weeks and I know I need to come to clean. I’m sure I need to see a doctor sooner than later. I have to be close to two months considering Thanksgiving was fast approaching. 

Every day is the same, nothing, completely nothing? 

Radio silence. 

Every day I contemplated was it desperate to send another? I was carrying his child after all? I sigh and close the obvious one-sided conversation. 

I go over to Walter and type out slowly. 

**Hope you having fun! I miss you!**

I debate for a moment, wondering if I should say more. I decide against it and hit send. 

“Rilla it’s time to get up,” I hear mom shout from at the foot of the stairs. I had to drag myself out of bed soon or later. A half-eaten package of crackers was open on my bedside table.

“I’m up,” I call back and haul myself out of my bed. My hair is still damp from the night before as I take it out of it wrapping. Which was a cotton tee-shirt, but it always helps manage my curls on wash day overnight. I grab my blow dryer and diffuser and flip my head upside down and begin attacking it to make it dry. 

It's slightly purple in spots, as the colour faded back to the medium-toned red that it was naturally.

When I finally make it downstairs, Dad was already on his way out. He quickly kissed my cheek goodbye before heading to the clinic. 

“Are you sure you’re feeling all right?” Mom asked walked into the kitchen. “You’re looking rather peaky in the mornings lately?”

“I’m fine,” I say stepping off to the side away from her. “Just tired I suppose, school, work, ballet,” I say as I grab a yogurt from the fridge and put it back looking for another. 

“Don’t forget to take your iron supplement, if you’re feeling unwell it might be worth too have dad look at your levels?” Mom told me.

“I’m sure I’m fine,” I grab another yogurt from the fridge and look at it for a moment deciding it was the flavour I wanted. The last thing I need is a blood test, from my father. I don’t want him to accidentally find out before I get the guts to tell them. 

“You need to eat more than yogurt,” She says looking at me. “You’re barely eating lately.”

“I eat, I eat all the time,” I say defensively. “You see me eat dinner almost every night,” I tell her as I sit down at the table. She stares at me and I huff and grabbed a banana and quickly peel it and shove half of it in my mouth. 

She looks at me and shakes her head. “Be ready to head out in twenty minutes,” she told me as she turned around to finish getting dressed for the day. 

“I’m also going to Walmart tonight, do you need anything? Tampons, shampoo, deodorant?” She calls out as she walks away. 

“I’m good,” I say weakly as I press my hand to my stomach. I moan and lay my head against my arm that was resting on the table. 

How could I hide this for? My parents weren’t idiots, I might be able to stretch out another month possibly? I can say my period was being irregular from dance if needed. If someone did ask about it, I could use that excuse. Sometimes I was just irregular, the life of a dancer who carefully watched her body weight. 

They would notice eventually that I was pregnant. It’s not something you could hide forever.

“You know breakfast is usually best if you eat it,” I look up and see Shirley standing in front of the fridge. 

“Leave me alone,” I tell him as I shove a spoonful of my yogurt into my mouth and finish off the container as fast as I could. 

“Jeez, someone is crabby,” Shirley raised an eyebrow at me as I threw away my container and chuck my spoon in the sink. “You might want to pull the cactus—,” 

“You finish that Shirley Gilbert Blythe, I will cut off your phone data.” My mother warns him as she comes back into the kitchen for a brief second.

“I pay for my cellphone,” Shirley stated blankly to mom but I could hear him grin. 

“Fine, you live under my roof you don’t say things like that," Mother tells him before kissing his cheek. “Come on Rilla, we’re going to be late if we don’t head soon.” I look up the clock.

“You said twenty minutes!” I object. “It’s been barely ten minutes.

“Then I suggest you hurry up,” Mom gave me a look. “Tuck in your and shirt and button it as well.” 

“I can’t it pulls,” I tell her. “Remember new bras, you said you would grab me some new uniform shirts and you didn’t” 

“Then wear a polo,” she said with a shake of her head. “I’ll grab some dress shirts tonight from the uniform store.” 

“My polos are dirty,” I explain. 

“Shirley can you grab one of your old shirts for your sister. I know you still have a few lying around. It will be big for you but it’s better than being too small.” Mom tells him and he goes to find one.

“You make it sound like I’m wearing nothing underneath I have a tank top underneath it,” I say rolling my eyes.

“Just do what I say, I don’t want a teacher to send you to me for dress code violations. I see too many short skirts, unbuttoned shirts and lack of modesty shorts to begin with.” Mom grabbing her bag. “I’ll go warm up the car.” 

Shirley looks and grins at me as he tosses his polo shirt. It was a bit large. Shirley spent more time playing video games and reading comics, but all of my brothers were taller and lanky without really trying to be. If anyone was a bit buff, it was Jem, who worked out enough to lift patients when needed.

I sigh and stuff the hem into my skirt and grab my jacket and school bag.I reach the door only to turn around to grab my bottle filled with tea. I hid my nausea as best as I could, I rarely threw up but the nausea was constantly present. Instead, I drank large amounts of ginger peach tea. Munched on rice crackers to get me through the mornings at school. 

The school was awfully normal, maybe too normal? School gossip ran up and down the halls. Who was dating who? Who was sleeping with somebody else, who had an eating disorder, who decided to be an idiot in carpentry class and almost get suspended? I don’t see Ellie or Rena very often since they graduated the past year being a year old than me.It was almost a relief in actuality.

By the second period, I was already bored, really Of Mice and Men? The book needed to be burned in my mind. Between this book and Lord of the Flies, I was going to struggle through English this semester. 

“Hey, do you have a spare pen?” A girl with long brown hair asked me. “Mine just ran out,” she said showing the scratched-up piece of paper. 

“Oh sure, here,” I say as I grabbed two from my pencil case. “Blue or black?” 

“Blue please,” she said whispering. “I’m Olivia.” 

“Rilla,” I say back. 

“Don’t let me forget to give it back to you,” She said as the teacher looked at us.

“It’s fine keep it,” I say before turning back towards the blackboard by the time class is over with I can feel my stomach growl for food. 

“You’re new here aren’t you?” I ask her. 

“I am I started last week, we just moved here from New Brunswick,” She told me. 

“Well, welcome to Glen High,” I say with a small smile. “Do you want to hang out at lunch?” I ask her. 

“Sure,” Olivia nodded her head shyly. “Where’s your locker?

“Up in the math wing,” Rilla tells her. “Yours?”

“Oh over in the art wing,” she responds. “Let's go to yours first and then mine since it closer to the cafe?” 

I nod my head and we turn towards the section that the math classes were in so I could grab my lunch and then to hers. 

I open my container of salad and fruit as I see her watching me. “I’m a dancer,” I explain. “I don’t eat much meat or dairy.” 

“As long as you’re not allergic to peanut butter, you can eat whatever you want,” Olivia said with a grin. 

“No allergies here,” I shake my head.

“What sort of dance do you do?” 

“Mostly ballet these days, but I was in tap as a child,” I reply in-between my mouthfuls of salad. 

“I did figure skating as a kid but that's about it,” Olivia told me. “I hated it though, it was more of my mother's thing for a long while.” 

“My mother reads a lot,” I say. “I don’t enjoy it enough to keep up with it either,” I say smirking. Leaving out that my mother was also the principal of this very school that we went to. 

For a brief moment, I forgot about all my problems as we talked about our interests in school and what we wanted to do after graduation. I fake a smile and slip an arm under the table as sit on the edge of the bench. Half of my mind remembering exactly what I was hiding from everyone still. 

We got our separate ways, having different classes after lunch. History for myself, while she had French class. I struggle my way through my classes before going back towards my locked and grabbing my bags so I could go to dance. I do my homework on the bus when I go to ballet. On weekend I helped in the dance ship and helping with kindergarten dance classes. 

The studio and dance shop was in Charlottetown, the only one on the island. 

I changed quickly for class in the small change room and quickly tied my pointe shoes before tackling my hair. Smoothing it back the best I could without brushing it and twirling it up into a bun. Then millions of pins and a hair net and more pins until I was ready, as the other girls departed. 

I looking the empty change room for the moment and turn sideways and run my hand over my stomach. Still rather flat, but of course it was I still could manage to hide for a few more weeks. 

“Blythe, come on!” A classmate called out. “Stop thinking you’re fat you’re slim as ever!” The Ballet Mistress tried to install some sort of positive thinking in her studio. No one was allowed to utter the words 

‘I’m fat, ugly’ in her presence. Dance was about strength and fitness, not just being a willowy fairy on the stage. 

“Coming,” I call out turn towards the door. 

I fall into line at the barre and begin my warm-up. Getting into my dance mind frame, getting into the zone for whatever she had planned for the class that day. 

I could tell that my dance teacher was watching me. Noticing that I wasn’t completely in the mindset to dance mentally. How each movement felt harder, more difficult to execute. I was more acutely aware of my shoes that were slowly breaking down, I forgot to jet glue them to make them last longer. 

“Focus Rilla!” Tess called out to me in class. I wasn’t on my game, my body wasn’t cooperating. I wanted to give up and throw up all at the same time. 

“Hands Rilla!” 

“You know how to do this Rilla, focus,” She called again. Some of the other kids were snickering. She rarely corrected me this much in one class. 

“Focus,” I say to myself as I finish the variation with wobbling legs. 

As soon as I was done I was slumped in a corner, wiping sweat away from my forehead. I carefully drank some water as I pick at my pointe shoes. 

I had two pairs a month. Eighty dollars a pair, plus ribbons and elastic. This year it was expected that I would help cover the cost of them. Which ate up most of my merger paycheque I got from helping classes and the dance shop. We had settled for me paying for half of the 200 dollars a month. Which included a small staff discount as I was working there now. While my parents paid for the other half. If I needed a third pair for a performance or exam, if I could justify the cost they would allow me a third pair. 

Ballet was expensive, and when you have numerous kids in college. Student lines of credit were still very much a thing for our family. It didn’t matter both of my parents had good jobs, my father was a doctor after all. Money still had to be watched and spent carefully. 

Their favourite saying was ‘Money doesn’t grow on tree’s children.’

I panted as my heart rate returned to normal. I wanted crackers, I needed something to settle my stomach but there was no food in the studio. My vision was swarming as I stood up and exited the classroom without permission. 

“I shove some crackers into my mouth and chew when I made it into the small change room. 

“Rilla?” I hear the ballet mistress call out. “Are you all right?” 

“I’ll be fine, I guess I’m a little under the weather,” I tell her and she frowns looking me over. I instantly feel like she knows and is going to say something about it. How could she know anyway? 

“You can sit out the rest of the class today, you shouldn’t dance if you are sick.” She told me. “Last thing I need you fainting on pointe and breaking something.” 

“I know I’m sorry, I thought after lunch I was better,” I said nodding my head compliantly with her suggestion. “I guess I wasn’t?”

“Just sit and watch, or call and see if your ride can come earlier?” 

I shake my head. “Joy is finished up work and is picking me up afterwards,” I said explaining it was my sister tonight. 

I change into my leggings and tee-shirt I brought with me, so I wouldn't have to wear my uniform again.I sit in the hall of the dance school as I waited for Joy to come to pick me up from dance. We usually stop and get a drink of some sort, sometimes we get dinner at my favourite vegan taco place. 

We’re fairly close despite the differences in our ages, which is a full sixteen years. I never understood what prompted my parents to have seven children. But they did. I had only been a toddler when she left home for the first time, but she always made time for us younger siblings. When she was around I stuck to her like glue. She never seemed to resent us for having a different upbringing than herself.

When she met Matt, I was the first of the siblings to meet him. Mostly since I was there when they had met. It was an awkward moment for him when he assumed I was her daughter. We both burst out laughing and explain that we were sisters, and he bought us our drinks in apology. I had come out from using the washroom when I saw them exchange numbers. Joy’s smile brightened at the prospect of a date, I thought it was weird. Who asked out girls they didn’t know out at coffee shops? Then again I was barely ten at the time.

I didn’t hear of him for the next few months, not until he showed up with Joy for our bi-weekly family dinner. He had given me a handshake and promptly asked me if I was in dance. Considering I was twirling around in a tutu I gave him a sassy ‘of course’ response. We learned for the first time that night he also had a set of twins from a previous relationship. The rest was history it seemed, as in the next two years I would be Junior Bridesmaid at her wedding. Nan and Di, the twins being actual bridesmaids which made me jealous. But I was only twelve, too old to be a flower girl, too young for a bridesmaid.

I must have been in my own head as I heard her honk the horn. I quickly grabbed my things and ran toward her car. Still upset about the situation, missing half of dance class. 

I muttered a hello as I sank into my seat. She smiles at me and pulls away.

“How was school?” She asked as she always does.

“Same as usual,” I said with indifference. She sees through me instantly. She knows me too well. 

“Rilla?” Joy asked as she looked over to me, the radio playing in the background. “Everything all right lately? You’ve been awfully quiet?” She pauses not satisfied with her assumption. “You don’t seem yourself lately.” 

“Has mom put you up to that?” I ask her. 

“Of course not, you just seem different, quiet?” Joy explained as she stopped at the stop sign and hit her signal. “You’re not on one of your crazy health kicks again are you?” 

I knew Matt warned Joy from time to time to try and make sure I wasn’t going overboard with my training or my diet. He understood what I was trying to achieve but he also knew how competitive sports could be.Joy always shook her head at us but was glad that we all treated him like another brother. 

“I’m fine, and no,” I reply. “Just peachy,” I added as I lean over and turn up the radio. The familiar sound of an old One Direction song started. 

_Going out tonight_

_Changes into something red_

_Her mother doesn't like that kind of dress_

_Everything she never had she's showing off_

I blink as my heartbeat rapidly. That red sundress flashed in my mind.My mother had given me a look as I bounded down the stairs that night as Ellie honked the horn of her sister Irene's car. 

I waved her off. I lied through my teeth.

_Moving too fast_

_Moon is lighting up her skin_

_She's falling, doesn't even know it yet_

_Having no regrets is all that she really wants_

I let out a sob unexpectedly. The lyrics hitting home with each passing phrase. The glimpse of Ken across the bonfire, the cigarette in his hand, how did I not know? 

I startle Joy so much she pulls over the car as soon as she can. 

“Rilla? What’s wrong?” She asks me suddenly going into big sister mode. 

“I’m in so much trouble,” I sob, breaking down as she undoes her seat belt and wraps her arms around me trying to comfort me. 

“Oh darling, I’m sure you aren’t” She responds stroking my hair.

“But I am Joy, I don’t know how to face them, I don’t know what to do at all,” I blubber. 

“Rilla, honey what’s going on?” Her voice clear with empathy. 

The words tumble out of my mouth. 

“I’m pregnant, I didn't mean for it to happen but I'm pregnant!” Her face drops for a moment before it goes into older sister mode. The sympathetic, kind sister mode, which is extremely close to mom mode for her. 

“Oh darling,” she kisses my hair. Her arms wrapping around me as I sobbed. She held me until I hiccuped and handed me a Kleenex. We drive to her condo as she parks she looks over towards me. 

“Matt is picking up the boys from their mother so we have the place to ourselves for another hour. You can tell me all about it.” She tells me gently as she walks me into the building, the elevator ride was quiet as I sniffled.


	4. Ten weeks

Joy makes me tea when we get inside. I sit down on the couch curled up in a blanket as I sip the tea slowly. Joy is still processing my confession but she keeps looking at me before she finally asks. 

“Who’s the father? Does he know?” She asked which I don’t respond to. “Do you know?” She adds.  
  
I don’t respond as my thoughts go towards Ken.

“Rilla if you were assaulted,” she starts hesitantly. I can see her mind work as she tries to picture a horror story. 

“No,” I shake my head. “It wasn’t like that, I was a party. We were drunk. It just happened. I’ve tried to tell him, but he hasn’t gotten back to me. I know who he is, but he doesn’t live around here.” I let it pour out. 

“No one can know who he is until he knows,” I stress. 

“Rilla if you’re protecting him if he asked you to protect him.” Joy says carefully obviously trying to make sense of my situation.

“It’s not like that!” I exclaimed. “I made a stupid mistake, I was angry, I was drinking at a bonfire, he was drinking. We danced, made out enough that I went back to his tent. We went our separate ways, end of the story.” 

“Rilla just how often do you go out drinking?” Joy suddenly was peaked with interest in my statement. I shrug in response. 

"Are these the people who call you Marnie?” She asks me.

“It’s a better nickname than Rilla.” I shrug once more. Wrapping myself up further in the old quilt that Joy had on the couch.

Drinking our tea slowly, she slowly drags more answers from me. How far along was I? Have I been to a doctor? When I told her the truth she shook her head and told me that she wasn’t letting me hide this any longer.

We sit in silence until we hear the keys in the lock of the door. Matt who has known me for years nodded to me and gave Joy a quick questioning look at my bloodshot eyes. “Sorry I’m late, she was being difficult.” He speaks quietly when the boys are out of earshot.

“It’s all right, you can tell me about it later,” Joy frowned. “Will you be all right for dinner by yourself? I need to run Rilla home and get her to talk to mom and dad about something?” Joy told him and I tried not to pay attention to them.  
  
“Of course,” Matt reassured her. “Everything all right?”

“It will be, I’ll explain later when I get home,” Joy told him and went to go say hello and goodbye to the twins in their room. Letting them know she will be back in a little bit and would come to check on them if they were already in bed. They were sweet boys, little terrors at times being eight years old now, but sweet.  
Matt looks at me.

“The last time I saw you this upset was, well it was after you were told the going ballet school wasn’t feasible.”

I find myself snorting. “I’m sure they wish they sent me after this,” I say sarcastically.

“It can’t be that bad,” Matt tries to reassure me.

“I committed the number one sin of the household,” I say deadpanned as Joy came back out with her coat on.

“Come on,” She told me with a look as she kissed her husband and promised to explain when she got home.  
  
“I don’t think I can do this,” I say in the car.  
  
“You need to tell them Rilla, you need to go to the doctors.”Joy tells me as we get back into her car. “I know it frightening, I know it’s scary for you. If you told me, you can tell them.”

“How would you know what this is like?” I ask her.

“Hey, I know you think I am perfect but I have had my moments.” Joys gave me a no-nonsense look. “I had a few scares in my life. Maybe not at sixteen, but I had more than one to make me realize that I didn’t want kids until I was ready. The boys I love of course, but even they haven't made me want one of my own just yet.”  
I merely shrug in indifference to her.

“This didn’t happen on your first time did it?” Joy asks me. 

“God no, why does everyone assume that?” I express with a whine.

“Hit a nerve have I?” Joy cocks an eyebrow before looking back at the road.

“He said the same thing, we knew each other, he isn’t some stranger. It’s complicated, but I had to tell him I wasn’t some virgin who wasn’t going to cry rape. I remember wanting it.” I tell her. Trying my best to keep my secret about Ken at the same time.

“Well, thank goodness for that,” Joy says sarcastically. “I can revel in the fact that you lost your virginity sober?”

“I was very much sober,” I tell her curtly, annoyed at this conversation. “It wasn’t even anything spectacular. He still smiled like hockey practice, it was rather gross and uneventful, then he was like. ‘Shouldn’t it have hurt you a bit?’ And I was like ‘like dude, I do the splits stretching every day this isn’t the 19th century." I roll my eyes at the memory.

“That doesn’t sound very nice of him,” Joy says. “Don’t get me wrong sex is never like the movies, but Rilla it can be meaningful and that just sounds…” she said

“Sad?” I offer with a shrug.

“You telling them when we get you home.” Joy tells me, not giving me no for an answer. “I can’t let you hide this from them and no butts about it. I will stay with you while you do it. But it’s coming out tonight.”

“They’ll be angry,” I object.

“Well, they can’t say much,” Joy said reminding me. “They will ask you what your plans are, have you ever thought of it?”

“I don’t even know what I want to do after high school, considering they don’t even consider dance a valid career choice. How am I supposed to know what to do with this?”

“Well you technically have three options,” Joy told me. “No one will judge for choosing the easy way out,” she told me carefully.

I would be lying if the ‘Big A’ hasn’t run across my mind, but yet every time I tried to say it out loud or approach the subject. To try and tell my parents who could help me. I clammed up, I couldn’t do it. Not without him knowing, what he if was against it?  
Which was silly to think why would he care? He didn’t even care enough to reply. Still, I had to be approaching the deadline to think of such things. Thinking about

"I can’t,” I say shaking her head.  
  


* * *

  
The dining room was completely silent as I sat in the chair looking down at my hands. My pregnancy test in the baggie on the table. It was the only way I could manage to tell them, my mother took it first and look at it passed it to my father. It was complete utter silence as they sat down. Resting their heads in their hands as if they didn’t want to believe what just unfolded in front of them. It was like they were in shock, in disbelief that they hadn’t seen what was right in front of their faces.  
I glanced behind them where Joy stood in the doorway.

“How far?” My father finally asks. I give him a confused look, though the reality I wasn’t even sure. “How many weeks? Months? Do you have an idea of when it happened?”  
  
“Ohh, Ummm” I stumble over my words. I pull out my phone to check the date. “October 4th,” I mumbled under my breath as I count backwards to August 11th. “8 weeks?” I answer still unsure of my answer.

“And your last period,” Dad is in full doctor mode apparently.

“Late July, early August?” I hesitate before answering.

“Ten weeks,” he says under his breath like it all clicking together in his head. My body changes, the constant fatigue. I look towards mom who is still pale as a sheet of paper.

“I’m sorry—,” My voice is small.

“The father?” My father speaks up once more.

“It’s complicated?” I tell them. Letting them think about what they want for the moment.

“Complicated how?” My father asked. “Complicated you don’t know who? Complicated he’s not sure if he wants to be part of this? Or complicated that someone took?” he couldn’t even finish his thought. As a doctor he was used to asking difficult questions, seeing difficult situations. Still, he never wanted to think such a thing would and could happen to his daughters.

“It’s just complicated all right, but this happened out of my own fault. I wanted it, I went with him, there was never a time I told him no.” I stress that nothing happened violent happened to me. 

“I’ll book you an appointment at the office." my father says as he stands up leaving the room without saying another word to me. I look towards my mother who was still silent and staring at me.

“Mom?” I speak hesitantly. Trying to keep to onset tears at bay. She wants to say how disappointed she is, how stupid I’ve been. She can’t. Not with Joy in the room, because that would be hypocritical. Joy knew she hadn’t been planned, but they always made sure she knew was loved.

“What done is done,” My mother says shaking her head. The same words that Aunt Marilla had spoken to her when she finally admitted her own pregnancy. “I thought if we raised you better, kept open communication. Make sure that you knew that unsafe sex is not advisable until you are ready for the consequences. That you know and trust the person you are with.”

“We were safe!” I try to defend myself, tears still threatening in my anger. “Something must have happened?” I have a hazy memory of him rifling through the bags, before grinning when he found down at me. “We were at a party—,” I stop myself.

“You were drunk,” My mother states like she should have known at the start of this conversation. “Was he? Do you know for sure? Do you even know who the father is?”

“Yes, I am sure, and yes I know who he is,” I snap at her questions. “My God, you make me sound like some slut. Of course, I know who the father is. It was an accident, we never meant for this happen.” 

“Does he know?” My mother looked me in the eye. “Do you have any way to even tell him?”

“Not yet, I’ve been trying, he’s hard to get in touch with. He goes to school in another district,” I lie again.  
How many lies have a told since this all begin?

“I’m gonna get going home, I’ll be over this weekend,” Joy speaks up to mom. “Text me later,” She says more to me than mom. Which I know Mom doesn’t appreciate, but Joy always knows my deepest darkest secrets.  
My resolve finally cracks under the pressure as Joy leaves. Tears poured down my face as I rock in my chair.

“What I am going to do?” I whimper, wrapping my hands around my still flat stomach. I watch my mother finally crack as she slides from her seat and walks around the table to set next to me.

“Only you can answer that question?” She said like it was a question and not an actual answer.  


* * *

  
They leave me alone for the rest of the night, still clearly shocked by the news. I could hear them talking to themselves in disbelief of the situation. Unsure of what to do or say, should they wait until after Thanksgiving to break the news to the family. Dad was kept muttering the effectiveness, or the potential of false positive. Then he would mutter that it was all right in front of him this entire time.

Shirley came home bewildered about what was exactly going on. 

“Should I ask why there is a positive pregnancy test on the dining room table?” He asks from my doorway. “I mean it can’t be Moms, she got her tubes tied after having you.”

“I don’t know you’re supposed to be one of the smart ones?” I retort bitterly as wipe the tear from my face.  
Shirley stands there rather stunned for a moment. “Well, I guess that answered my question of if I should tell mom and dad that I think you’re becoming bulimic. Who is the father? I know you‘re not dating that Fred kid anymore thank god because he was a douche. I also doubt that any of those ballet boys would be straight enough for this to happen?”

“There are plenty of straight ballet dancers,” I glare at him. “It doesn’t matter who the father is.”

“Pretty sure that it does,” He said with a shake of his head. “I mean it can’t be that bad? Granted your track record isn’t the greatest.”

“Well, you should be happy that you have a girlfriend at all,” I throw back at him. “ Really what does whats her face even see in you?”

“I’m kind, caring, tall, dark hair, I have a job and apparently good at wooing?” Shirley grinned at me. “Look, I know I’m not Walter, but I if you need someone to talk to? I mean I can even beat someone up for you, thats something Walter would never do. Jem maybe he’s a bit hot-headed at times.”

“Shirley,” I say out loud and he stops his rambling.

“I really just want to be alone right now,” I tell him quietly.

“Move over,” he said not heading my words. "I won’t have Walter telling me I wasn’t doing my job as your older brother if I didn’t at least let you cry on me once.” He said. "Just no boogers please."

I sigh and move over. He settles beside me and I let him hug me. He knows he’s only Walter's replacement, but it’s comforting all the same. I’m not even sure how Walter would or will react. Given just who the father is after all.

I was still in bed when Dad knocked on my door. Standing there awkwardly as a father did when they found out their daughter was having sex with boys. Add to the fast fact that she got herself pregnant from it.

Shirley had left over an hour ago. With the words, ‘If it came down to it, I’d rather you be pregnant them bulimic.’ As if it was some sort of contest to him.  
I stood awkwardly in front of him, waiting for him to say something.

“You’re mother and I don’t think less of you for this happening,” he states. He holds out a bottle to me, I almost wonder where he got it, but I heard him leave and come back.

“You look like you do.” I retort as I look at the bottle.

“Well, your news brought back some very frightening moments for us,” He said clearing his throat.

“Better to take them while you decide what to do,” he told me. “Once a day, they can be heavy on the stomach so eat a meal beforehand.” He said clearing his throat before he stood there awkwardly once more. “You weren’t at a sleepover that night,” he said. “That morning Ken found you walking home?”

It was like in his mind that all possibilities of Ken being there that morning were nothing more than coincidence. Part of me is terrified that he might put to and to together. To look back and take note of our body language that morning. To see Ken’s guilty eyes and my attitude towards him. 

“We were out of the lighthouse, Ellie’s uncle has a beach house near there,” I tell him quietly.

“How often?” Dad asks me.

“How often?” I asked back confused about what he wanted to know. How often I drank and partied? How often I had sex?

“The parties, the drinking, should I be worried about drugs as well now?” He asked.

“A few parties, a few drinks, the occasional hit from a joint,” I say quietly as I sit on my bed.

“God damn it Rilla,” He cracks as his hand runs through his hair. He’s trying to understand, trying to piece this puzzle of pieces of my changing behaviour from the past year. “You severely abused our trust in you. We thought your dropping grades were just merely not being interested in school.”

“They are! I hate school the only thing I wanted to do was cruelly ripped away from me,” I explode. “You tell us to chase our dreams but if that dream isn’t academic enough you shoot it down.”

“Whatever choice you make, I can only hope you grow from it,” he said stepping back from my outburst. “Take the vitamins,” he said before he turned around.

* * *

It's a rather hard thing to write, trying to achieve this balance of disappointment, anger and frustration. 

How I see Anne and Gilbert's reactions, just because they had a kid at 18-20 doesn't mean they would be gung-ho about Rilla having one at 16. They'll support her, but it is frustrating that they wanted more for their children and now their youngest apparently headed nothing of their warning. Then again Rilla wouldn't have been raised in the environment of struggling young parents. She's never known that life, most of her older siblings might have known. 

Hope everyone is enjoying this! Leave me a comment if you are!


	5. A Family Thanksgiving

“So I hear you outdid your mother,” A voice I  instantly  recognized makes me look up from my homework. Of course, she would be here, it was Thanksgiving after all which means everyone will be home. Except for Walter of course.

Aunt Marilla, though she wasn’t blood-related.

She had taken in my mother when she was eleven.  Grandpa Walter died when mom was  just  a baby in a car accident, leaving Grandma Bertha to raise their daughter alone. Until she got sick, which is something mom doesn’t talk about it much. She gets a sad look in her eyes when she sees a photo of her mother, and we all know she remembers watching her mother die. Being told there was no cure, that if she is lucky she would see her daughter graduate elementary school. Help  was needed, which is where Aunt Marilla came in. A semi-retired nurse who lived next down the street from them with her elder brother

She  was hired  to help with housework in the beginning and later offered her services as a caretaker.  For three years, she walked to Shirley’s house. Helping my grandmother and comforting my mother when things  gradually  got worse.  When my grandmother died, Aunt Marilla took my mother in at twelve years old at the request of my grandmother.

“Well, it’s not like I was trying to,” I tell her going back to my English essay. Hoping she would leave me alone, but instead, she comes and sits on my bed.

“I would  certainly  hope not,” She replied matter of  factly  and looked at me. “But I thank you for your reassurance.”

“So, did Mom call you in to try and get more information from me?” I ask her.  At seventy-five she spent her days at her senior living community, but she was still very much enjoying life and playing bingo.

“Is there more information? You’re expecting, at sixteen from what you say was a drunken shenanigans. When you shouldn’t have been drinking, to begin with?” Aunt Marilla rattled off the story I told my parents. “And hid it for two months?”

“I suppose thats the most of it,” I say  simply. Was she not going to ask who the father was? If she wasn’t I wasn’t going to complain.

Aunt Marilla makes me come downstairs, keeping a firm around my shoulder like I was going to run away. Nan and Di’s voice drifted from the living room, talking about their friends and projects. They were both pretty, but as twins, they look nothing alike.  Nan had dad’s chocolate brown hair that was  fairly  straight for our family, she had brown eyes and was  fairly  short compared to everyone. She was studying the education of information or Library sciences at Dalhousie University. Di,  on the other hand, inherited our mother's vibrant red hair and grey eyes. She studies fashion design, wearing more out-there clothing choices than her twin.

They both turn to look at me when they hear the stairs creak.

“Hi,” I say  tiredly  as I sit down in one of the empty chairs in the living room. “How was the drive?”

“The usual,” Nan replied to me, “How are school and dance?” She asked me as she sat down on the couch.

“It’s fine, I’m working in the shop as well as the little ones this year to make a bit of money,” I tell her  simply. “How’s school?” I asked knowing I had to say something.

“It’s good, it’s school,” Nan said smiling, I smile back and turn to Di.

“My teacher is a right bitch about fabric choices, but it’s good. I have some good sketches for the project this year.” Di said  happily  as she grabs her ever-present sketch pad from her bag. “This will be hell, yet so much fun to make,” she said flipping it open to show me.

I curl up and twist my legs in underneath what used to be Walters hoodie. Hiding my feet and keeping them warm.

“You  really  need to take care of those feet,” Shirley tells me, for the millionth time. He knows I hate it when he mentions them.

“Anyone who comes anywhere near with a callous file will  be fought,” I tell him as I twist my leg and move my foot around his face. They aren’t pretty, ballet feet are never pretty but I did have my toes nails painted a bright pink.

“Ugh you’re so gross,” he made a face that had everyone laughed. “Though remember I know you’re secrets,” he told me.

“What secrets?” Di  suddenly  grins. She loves a good secret, or a mystery to figure out. 

“Nothing,  absolutely  nothing,” I kick Shirley for good measure. “Don’t you have a girlfriend to torture? I thought I heard an invitation since she’s not going home for thanksgiving?”

“She is,” Shirley nodded as he checked his phone.

“Wait Shirley has a girlfriend!” Di exclaimed so  loudly  that I grimaced at the sounds.

“I’ve had one all summer, not my fault you don’t pay attention to things.” Shirley shrugged.

“Wait that little pixie of a thing!”

“Her name is Arwyn, though she generally goes by Wynnie,” Shirley said blushing  slightly.

“My god, little brother was hooking up all summer and we thought she friend-zoned you!” Di said raising a hand too high five him.

Shirley went red and  slightly  uncomfortable. “I am not high-fiving you, because of that.”

“Still can’t even say it,” Teased him. “Although remember no glove-no love.”

“As if anyone would be stupid enough to do such a thing,” Shirley said as he looked at me. I glare at him. Wanting to protest that I wasn’t that stupid, that we did use protection. That we tried, and it  obviously failed.

“What about you two?” I ask changing the subject. “Anyone special?”

“Nan had a date with Jerry, Faith’s stepbrother,” Di said for her sister who blushed.

“It wasn’t a date,” Nan replied  quietly. “He  just  rescued me from a date gone wrong.”

“And proceeded to spend the rest of the night with you, bought you ice cream and walked down the boardwalk with you?” Di told gave her twin a look. “If that is not a date, tell me what is?”

“Di dated a girl,” Nan said trying to get back at her sister.

“You make it sound sordid,” Di gave her twin a look. “So what I dated a chick? She was pretty and nice.”

“I didn’t realize you were gay,” I said out loud.

“I’m not,” Di said clarifying. “I  just  don’t see the point in denying myself a chance at love based on sex or gender. “How about you dear little sister anyone we should know about?”

I shrugged. “Ballet takes up most of my life,” I tell them and I hear Shirley snort.

“Oh our baby sister has turned this house upside down,” he said with a grin.

The twins look at me with questions in their eyes. “I’m sure you’ll hear about it later,” I say as I pick up my phone trying to play it off like it was nothing major. It seems to work, if I was  truly  looked worried they would pick up on it.

Then again I  was saved by  Joy coming through the front door with her husband and two step-sons.

“Little twins!” Di shrieked as she got up to greet the boys. Joy smiled at me as she takes off her shoes.

“Auntie Di!” The boys exclaimed. I look around the room to see that Nan was analyzing me with her curious gaze. I took further into myself and hide my face in my phone. The only person who would be missing today would be Walter.

Joy comes to set down beside me as she greets Nan and Di. Asking them about school and life in general.  I fade away into the background ignoring the conversations around me until Joy nudges me and smiles.

I shrug at her and go back to my phone. Browsing random apps, until I hit messenger I sigh as I see the old message as I scroll down. I’m tempted for a moment to try again, but then I don’t. I can’t  be rejected  again.

I see Joy studying my face and I give a hesitant smile. Joy goes into the kitchen to where the other adults are cooking. Matt gives a look that tells me that Joy had told him. He smiles  sympathetically  at me settles down the twins and tells them to go say hello to my parents.

It was near dinner time when Jem finally showed up, with his girlfriend Faith West both lived together in Halifax. Jem working his way through medical school. While Faith is working through midwifery training. I  was worried  that she would be able to see through me. Notice all the small details everyone else would have missed.

I get up to hug Jem as he approached. He attempted to muse my hair and I duck away.  He should know better than to mess with my hair, after all, we have almost the same hair with the exception he was  possibly  a touch lighter than mine. Jem was tall with curly red hair, more like moms than anyone else’s in the family colour wise. Copper stubble outlined his jawline in a way that made him seem older than twenty-five at times.

“Spider,” Jem grinned at me. “Growing up are we?” He said unsure if I had been this tall at Easter when he had come home. I had been.

“Oh hush Jem, she’s the same as last time,” Faith scold him and then smiles at me and steps forward for a hug. “It’s nice to see you again Rilla.”

Faith was pretty with light golden brown hair and light golden eyes. She came up to Jem’s shoulder and had the most delightful laugh I have ever heard. A laugh that I see Jem smile at whenever he hears it. They had met in high school, though Jem was a year older.

“You too,” I reply as we hug. “How was the drive?”

“Oh it was fine, Jerry and Una drove in with us, we dropped them off at my parent's place. They’ll be by later with Mom and John,” Faith explained. “You must see Carl around the school?”

“Yeah, once in a while,” I tell her. “Different grades though, so no classes together.”

“Right! He’s a year ahead of you in school,” Faith remembers.

The Merediths were a blended family.  Faith and Carl were siblings, their father left years before and their mother Rosemary was a single parent. Then one day a New Reverend came to town, his wife had passed away and he had two children. Jerry and Una, both had dark brown hair and striking blue eyes.  Rosemary had offered to watch the children for him and as children they became inseparable  . They had lived a few streets over from us, and we had run into the West's  fairly  often. Soon the Merediths joined the neighbourhood patrol of crazy kids. It came rather as a shock with the Reverend and Rosemary announced that they were going to  be married. Joining the families giving up family another parental figure in their life.

“Rilla, you are not wearing that to dinner,” I have Aunt Marilla say from the doorway of the kitchen.

I look down at my oversized hoodie and leggings, I was but I knew Aunt Marilla would not agree with my choices. “I was planning on changing later,” I tell her.

“Yes, but we have company now,” She said with her hands on her hips. “Let’s go find you something nice to wear  shall  we?”

“What about the twins?” I object.

“They are not wearing leggings or hoodies,” she tells me. I wanted to complain that it wasn’t even Thanksgiving yet, but the big dinner was to be tonight. As Dad was on call Sunday and Monday. The house was full of people, it reminded me of when I was young when the majority of us were home. It was always loud and noisy. I look over their skinny jeans and nice sweaters and sigh. I follow Aunt Marilla up the stairs into my room as I watch her go through my closet. Which has more leotards than anything else in it, uniforms my life is about uniforms it seems.

Aunt Marilla flipped through my closet and choose a dress that was dark green with yellow flowers on it.

“Wear this,” she said passing it to me before leaving me to change. I sigh as I did through my underwear drawer for a different style of bra and changed into the dress. Luckily the back had a panel of shirred elastic. Otherwise, there was a good chance it would never fit.

I wasn’t even sure at this point how I was going to survive dinner. The smell of turkey cooking was already turning my sensitive stomach.

“Your father got you an appointment for Wednesday.” I hear my mother say. “It’s at 2:45 pm. Once you finish the third period, we’ll head out.”

I nod my head  slowly  as I sit down on my bed. “You aren’t going to tell them are you?”

“Teen pregnancy is generally not a Thanksgiving dinner conversation,” Mom tells me, her voice tense like she still doesn’t want to talk about it at all. “Tell them if you wish to tonight, but it’s your news to tell.” With that, she leaves my room.

I sigh as I fluff up my hair and try to put on a fake him but it only makes me look sadder. Resting bitch face it is for today, I tell myself  sarcastically.

I find myself back downstairs hiding away on my phone. In my own little corner away from the commotion of others playing video games. Away from the trays of treats that called out to me but I kept reframing from having. I load the Facebook app, I find myself more and more curious about Facebook. I wouldn’t call it stalking, but there was only one person I ever crept.

There, connected to Walter’s on my timeline was Ken. Grinning like a Cheshire Cat, in a group photo where some girl had her arms around him kissing his cheek.

Bile rose into my throat and tears burned behind my eyes.

“Excuse me,” I gasp as I push myself out of the chair back racing for the nearest washroom which was at the back of the house.

Di follows me without a word as she hands me a glass of water. “Are you not feeling well?” She asked.

I sigh and sit down on the side of the tub taking a moment to collect myself before Jem popped his head in.

“You don’t seem to have a fever,” he said feeling my forehead.

“I’m fine,” I brush him off trying to stand up and get away from their crowding. My quick movements made my head spin as my stomach still churned as I stumbled. Jem’s hand shot out to steady me. I sat down on the edge of the tub, my shoulders slumped forward, my arm wrapping around my stomach.

“You’re not fine,” Faith spoke in a quiet voice as she steadied me.

“Please,” I say  weakly. “It was the smell of the turkey, nothing more. Smells get to me lately.” I try to explain. Faith watches me and takes a step back and nods her head, Faiths known me for ages. I can feel her gaze she takes in my appearance. She’s worked in the maternity ward, she sees pregnant women every day. My arm wrapped around my midsection almost  protectively.

“Rilla,” Faith says  calmly  as she gripped Jem’s forearm. “Are you pregnant?”

My answer is to only cry for the second time this weekend.

My siblings beyond Shirley  are stunned. Beyond stunned as they  quietly  all sat at the dinner table for dinner a little while later. Each wanting to ask something, know something. They don't as mom gives them a look of 'now is not the time'.

“Oh heavens sake it’s not the end of the world,” Aunt Marilla says breaking the silence. “Rilla is pregnant, now can we all  just  say it out loud and let the girl have  relatively  normal Thanksgiving dinner ?” Aunt Marilla said out loud.

"She's doesn't even eat turkey," Shirley said. "How is her Thanksgiving dinner normal?"

"Oh hush you," she shakes her head at him.

* * *

I spent some time crying before I heard footsteps come up to my door. It was Nan which surprised me enough.

“How are you doing?” She asked as she sat on my bed.

“As well I can be at the moment,” I told her wiping my nose on the pillow. “I’m an idiot I suppose,” I say shrugging.

“Your not an idiot,” said shakes her head. “A touch naive, spoiled and  clearly  mom and dad relaxed with you.”

“I’m not naive, I knew exactly what I was doing,” I say crossing my arms. “I  just  thought—I had  been assured  that we had been safe about it.”

“If it was in his wallet, it’s never safe,” Nan told me looking around my small room. “So we going to lose our room?"

“I don’t know, thats up to mom and dad I suppose?” I tell her  honestly. “They found out on Wednesday so it not there has been much discussion about it?”

“So it’s still fresh,” Nan said. “How far along are you?” She asks me.

“Ten weeks? According to dad anyway when he asked when it happened?” I say  quietly. “It was back in August, it was a stupid silly mistake.”

“You were at the lighthouse party this summer weren’t you?” Nan asked  cautiously. I look up  suddenly. “I had some friends there this summer.  They kept talking about this purple-haired girl getting so drunk and making out with this dark-haired fellow. Enough to disappear with him for the night.”

She reached out to touch my faded purple hair that was almost all the way washed out. My heart was racing thinking she was going to say his name out loud to tell mom and dad  just  what happened that night.

“They don’t have photos do they?” I ask  hesitantly.

Nan shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

I sigh and nod my head. The last thing I needed was photographers suddenly popping up with Ken and me together. 

* * *

If you enjoy this, please let me know! I love to hear your thoughts about what's going on, and what going on with Ken haha! 

Tina. 


	6. Big Decisions

The doctor's office is awkward as I imagine it to be. It’s not my usual family doctor I had since I was a child but a new lady. Given the reason for this appointment, it made sense to see a new doctor. 

“Definitely pregnant,” she said as my lab results came in from the test she had me take. “But we already knew that didn’t we?”

I nod my head shyly.

“Look it’s just us right now, Marilla” she tried to make me feel more comfortable. “How far along do you think you are?”

“It’s Rilla, about eight or nine weeks give or take?” I tell her. “Dad said ten weeks when I told them.”

“Rilla, that is a nice short form of your name,” She said smiling. “Why did you wait so long to admit it to them?” She asked kindly looking at me. I shrug my shoulders.

“I grew up in a household that had one rule, don’t get pregnant before graduating high school. Don’t be like them, don’t have a baby senior year of high school and struggle? I missed some memo’s along the way and well here I am?”

The doctor nodded. “Where is the father?”

“Not around here,” I say. “I tried to message him, telling him to call me but it looks like he ignored it.”

The doctor nods sympathetically. “Was he your first time?”

“No, that happened last spring,” I tell her honestly.

“So two sexual partners? What sort of protection did you use?” I nod my head blushing at the partner's question.

“Condoms? I know Fred used a condom for sure. The other guy said we did but who really knows considering. We were drunk in a tent on a foam mattress topper.?” I wave my hands up in the air for extra flair.

I sigh sobering slightly.

“Well, it could have been faulty, or it tore during intercourse. I’ll have to do a general pap test. With all pregnancy’s we generally screen for any STI’s which will be good for you as well to know about. Have you ever had a pap test before?”

I only shook my head, I knew about them but not had the honour of one yet.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of, really it’s smaller than your average penis,” she told me holding up the clear plastic device that was for show only. “We put some lube on it for ease of insertion, take two different swabs and you’re good to go.”

I nod my head shyly.

“Do you know about the options available to you?” She asked me as she got things ready.

I nod my head. “I’m keeping it,” I told her. “I mean I know they wouldn’t care if I took the easy way out, hell they even would drive me happily, I am sure. Dad just gave me some prenatal’s and told me that I had a choice to make and I had to make it soon?” I say. I can barely admit and say the words pregnant. Saying abortion out loud was just as hard for me.

“Of course,” She said. “You’re Doctor Blythes, daughter,” she came into realization of my last name. “Hop up on the scale for me?” She asked. I kicked off my shoes and took a deep breath and stepped on. I waited for it to balance and she looked me over for a split second.

“Do you do any sports?” She asked.

“I dance ballet,” I say quietly.

“Tell me about your diet?” She asked me.

“I don’t eat meat, dairy here and there but it’s rare. I like salad and fresh fruit and vegetables. Dad likes to keep tracking of my iron and b-12 levels for me.” I explain quietly. “I eat a fair bit,” I stress to her, which is most definitely a lie in itself.

“This isn’t going to be easy on you is it?” She said looking at me. “Gaining baby weight? What was your pre-pregnancy weight?”

“115 pounds,” I tell her quietly. I weighed in at 117 today.

She nodded her head. “We’re going to have to get you at least up to 130,” she tells me. “I go by the rule of the less you weigh the more a mother should gain. 15-20 pounds is what I would say the minimum for a girl your height and weight, 25 would be preferable. If you can bear it, I will suggest drinking, eating more dairy if possible. Cheese is good for protein, milk for calcium. You may find yourself craving things you might have no wanted before.”

I sigh and nod my head, 

“Are you still dancing?” The doctor asked me next.

“I don’t know?” I tell her. “We’re going to figure out that next, and I suppose it depends on what you say as well.”

“Light exercise is fine. For athletes and dancers, I always stress to continue at a reduced rate as long as you feel comfortable. Or to which your teacher or trainer feel comfortable in you doing as well. It would do a person like you worse stopping cold turkey then slowly reducing your hours.” She explained and I let out a breath of relief.

“I will do an ultrasound, for an accurate measurement today as well.” She said moving on with the appointment. “Do you want your mom to come in for that part?”

Mom was waiting outside for me but I still shook my head. I was not naive to be excited about this, but I still didn’t want her ruining this memory. 

“I got myself into this, I can do this by myself,” I say bravely.

“That’s where you’re wrong Rilla, you’re never going to be alone in this,” The doctor said shaking her head. “Put on this gown, panties off but you can leave your bra on and I’ll come back in a moment.”

I nod my head and take the paper gown and wiggle out of the tights that I wore with my uniform skirt. I fold my underwear hiding them in my skirt that I placed on a chair. I hop on to the papered table and I wait.

* * *

“Do you know what you want to do?” My mother asks me when I leave the clinic with her. My one arm was being favoured as it seemed to take forever to find a vein good enough to draw blood from when the doctor sends me over to the lab with a form for bloodwork. “You don’t have much time to decide and if we need to drive to Halifax we will need to clear some time.”

“I already told the doctor thats not an option,” I tell her, repeating myself for what seemed like the third time.

“You barely have thought about it,” My mom tells me.

“How do you know how much time I have spent thinking about it! Do you think I just crossed it off? Do you think I didn’t consider that it would be the easiest option? The option that won’t change my life forever? But then I think, what would he want? Does it matter? What’s worse, him never knowing, or him finding out there’s a baby? Trust me I have thought about it all!” I let my voice raise.

“Well, apparently you haven’t!” She snaps at me and ignores her and stares out the window. The small photos that was still clutched in my hand. A little blob that was inside of me, my baby, my child. Ken’s child, the one he had no idea existed.

I ignore her for the rest of the ride home and have my seatbelt off by the time she has the car in park. I grab my bag and race inside. Joy’s car was in the driveway, at least I had her to comfort me.

“This isn’t over Rilla!” I hear Mom call out to me.

“Why are you being such a hypocrite!” I find myself shouting at my mother, letting the screen door slam in her face.

“Marilla Nadine! Don’t you dare slam the door in my face!” She yells at me using my middle name, which was how my nickname Marnie came about from Ellie had come from. Nadine was one of the names of my maternal grandmother who passed away when mom was thirteen. I counted myself lucky that she had gone by her middle name and not Bertha as what her first name had been. Bertha Marilla did not quite have the same ring as Marilla Nadine into the 21st century.

“Why can’t we just drop the subject. I’m not changing my mind.” I cry and shout, you could hear the stairs from the basement creak. Shirley was home and from the extra pair of shoes by the door. His girlfriend was over as well.

“My apologies for offering you a drive to Halifax, I’m sorry to inform you that you have options worth considering.” Mom waves her hands in the air, her voice laced in angry sarcasm.

“You had Joy, you didn’t have an abortion, I already said no, yet you keep bringing it up” I exclaimed. I can see Joy wince in the corner of my eye.

“Apparently you retained nothing from those health classes.” My mother says sarcastically. “If you actually listened or paid attention you would know that I had Joy in 1985, three full years before abortion was decriminalized in 1988. Before that it was case by case and if the mother's life in danger. So, my dear, I had no choice, I was having a baby whether I wanted to or not. You though, you have a choice, you have all the choices in the world!”

“And I told you no! I told you that I was not going to do anything until I managed to inform the father,” I fire back at her. 

“Yes, and how is that going?” She gives me a look. I still refuse to tell them who it was.

“I’m trying!” I cry. “I’m sorry that I made a mistake, I’m sorry I royally fucked up. But the answer is no thank you.”

“You have no idea what you are heading towards.” Mom shakes her head at me. “You have no idea how much your father and I struggled. What life was like back then, so is it that hypocritical of us to want you to experience life? Is it so wrong that we don’t want you to make the same mistakes that we did?” 

I can see Joy wince from her spot. She knows the truth but hearing such angry words from our mother must have hurt. I stalk out of the room though I still hear my mother sigh.

“I’m sorry Joy, I—,” Our mother says wincing at her own words.

“It's fine Mom, I know.” Joy waves her off like it meant nothing to her. “But maybe we should just leave the subject alone?” 

I can only hear my mother sigh and apologize again. My pregnancy was bringing a lot of arguments into the house. It was hard for them after all.

I walk up to my room, wanting nothing more than to bury myself in blankets and forget the world. Which I do rather carelessly as I flop on my twin bed and pull the comforter around me. Mentally counting in my head, waiting for someone to disturb my pity party I had going for myself? I realize that I am still holding the photos and I stare at them once again.

Too early to tell if it's a boy or girl. Too early to tell who it will take after.

“Rilla?” Joy knocks on my door. “Can I come in?”

“I don’t know? Are you planning to try and persuade me to get rid of it too?” I answer sarcastically through the closed door.

“No,” she answered simply. “I just wanted to make sure that you were okay.” She sits down on my bed. “But mom is right, you have no idea what it was like for them back then. I was little, but I remember bits and pieces back then. I remember small apartments and second-hand clothing as they tried to make it through University. Working multiple jobs to meet ends meet, student loans only covered so much. I still think I remember mom skipping lunch most days, just to make the peanut butter last longer.”

I frown, trying to imagine my successful parents who always made sure to have the refrigerator and pantry stocked for us children. I couldn’t imagine them ever not being who they are.

“They did it though,” I stress with a frown.

“Yes, with plenty of sacrifices but they had each to lean on.” Joy corrected her. “When mom got her teaching degree, things began to look up. Dad was in his residency when we finally moved into a nicer place. It felt so big, so nice, I was young but I felt the difference. How our lives were changing. Mom got her first teaching job and then Jem came along in our crowded two-bedroom apartment. Dad finished medical school we moved back to the Island. Mom taught for two years then Walter was born. We rented this little house is probably not the greatest area of Charlottetown. Dad worked to pay off student loans, Mom taught another year and then they found out about the twins.”

“I’m starting to wonder if any of us were planned,” I say rather bitterly. 

“I think a lot of you were all at least partially planned,” Joy smiled kindly. “It was after the Twins were born when we got this house, I was almost twelve” Joy reminded me. “This was my room before Jem took over it when I left.” She told me looking around her old room. “You keep it much cleaner.”

“Anyone is cleaner than Jem,” I said into my pillow.

“Can you not just give us some sort of hint to who the father is?” Joy asked. “We don’t understand why you are so secretive. It can’t be that bad considering you swear it was all consensual and nothing illegal?”

I shake my head.

“Mom knows everyone, it would take one call to another person to get to him. If he doesn’t want to talk to me if he wants to continue to date around, be with other girls. That’s his choice,” I say refusing to say Ken's name out loud to him.

“Is that what made you sick on thanksgiving?” Joy asked, “You saw him with another girl?”

“No, it was the turkey,” I lie. I already had Nan giving me strange looks since Thanksgiving, between looking up from her phone to study me before pretending not to. She wasn’t asking and I wasn’t going to ask. “Does this matter, they haven’t thrown me out yet?” I say off-handedly.

“No, and Aunt Marilla would never allow such a thing from them.” Joy said with a straight face. “They may not like the situation, they may be baffled, disappointed by your choices but they will never make you go through this alone.”

“Great, so I’m stuck in a house of disappointment then,” I respond sarcastically and finally relinquish the photos and place them on my nightstand.

“Is that?”

I merely nod my head and watch her take one. “Baby Blob,” I say weakly.

“Surely you can’t think of a better nickname than Blob?” Joy raises an eyebrow at me. I shrug my shoulder.

“They say thats the head, and the legs are over there,” I told her moving my finger over the photo.

“It makes things very real does it not?” Joy asked me quietly, in her daze of seeing her niece or nephew.

“It’s been real since I peed on the stick, but yes it adds another dimension to it all,” I tell her as I flop down on my pillow.

* * *

It was a small saving grace of my situation but the subject was dropped when I passed my 13th week. I soon learned that support meant awkward talks about planning where and how a baby will affect my life the most. How will I manage school, work? The cost of nursery furniture and what to do about rooms landed mainly on my parents as they work out a new allowance for me. Of course, I would qualify for the child benefit once the baby was born. That would cover a fair amount of the expenses the baby would occur with diapers, clothing and possibly formula. Breastfeeding was cheaper, but if I was in school would it be possible? Could they get a spot in the daycare near the school for me and how was daycare these days? If daycare wasn't an option, do I transfer over to remote learning and stay at home? 

Most of these were posed to me, yet they didn't wait for an answer as they decided them for me. As even the simplest of conversations often lead to temper’s flaring when I tried to tell them what I wanted. Still, every day had a small reminder to take the prenatal vitamin that sat on the counter in the kitchen in my father's messy script, and mom reminded me to eat more at every meal. 

Just the same school went on, I didn’t dare tell anymore and my friends had yet to clue in.

“Marnie!” I turn at my nickname as I pull my cardigan around me more.

“Ellie! What are you doing here?” I asked. 

“Nothing, looking for you, you went MIA. Anyway, there is an epic party this weekend. We should go, it will be like the summer. You can find some hot piece of a hunk to disappear with and leave me all alone.” Ellie tells me with a grin.

“Uhh I think we have family coming this weekend,” I lie knowing that while my parent hadn't officially grounded me. I was still pretty much on house arrest until my 18th birthday.

“Oh come on, ditch them,” She elbows me playfully. “With those new boobs of yours, I’m sure you’ll be the hit of the party. Really what did you do finally eat something of substance?” 

I realized at that moment that I would never get her off my back about the party.

“Ellie I can’t,” I tell her. “I just can’t all right, all those parties have got me in so much trouble that I just can’t.” I didn’t care I hurt her feeling as I grabbed my bag and walked away from her.

Mother was waiting for me outside, she gave a worried look when I wiped the tears off my face as I walked past her to the car.We had to inform the dance studio this week, she had to figure out about the tuition or if I could still dance. Dad agreed with the lady doctor that light classes might be beneficial to me, but that also depended on rules and possibly other parents. The drive was quiet as I looked out the window, my dance bag in the bag seat. I could only hope and pray that Tessa would let me dance, a had doctor's note saying it was all right as long as I was conscious of my condition and my abilities. 

I sat quietly as mom explained the situation, and Tessa nodded her head.

“I had noticed the change in your body and dance, but I wasn’t sure. You lose your muscle strength rather quickly pregnant. While your technique is still there, I noticed that you were working harder on execution. I can’t say that other parents won’t complain, but you paid for lessons and you are entitled to them. Dance is exercise, it will do you more harm to stop suddenly than to continue on a lighter dance schedule.” Tessa told her truthfully.

“What about pointe?” I ask her, speaking for the first time since my mother broke the news. 

“Ballerinas have danced on pointe well into their pregnancies in companies around the world. If they felt strong and stable enough of course. For now, if you wish to continue you can, aslong as you feel comfortable and take it easy. Just as well you will be regulated to the barre work once you are showing, your centre of balance will shift and I can’t chance you falling. If needed we can work on a schedule of private classes. You are a gifted and talented dancer it would be a shame to see you give it up.” She spoke kindly to me.

“What about helping with the little ones? The shop?” I ask her. Wondering if my job was still available to me.

“It’s illegal to fire someone because they are pregnant so the shop is yours for a job for as long as you wish it to be. Helping with the littles may ruffle some feathers, and you won’t be able to wrangle them in as safely as before. But working the desk and taking attendance and tuition payments for me is something they have no say in,” She explained to me, politely as she could. No parent wants a pregnant teenager near their four-year-old after all. “Ultimately, you need a job if you wish to support yourself and your child and I can offer that for you. If any harasses or comments about your pregnancy, tell me and I will set them straight.'

I nodded my head, and she was right. A job was the first thing I would need if I wanted any freedom from my parents financially. My mom is about to say something as her cellphone rings

"Sorry excuse me," she says to Tessa and leaves the room quietly.

“What about after I have the baby?” I asked even though I knew that ballet would be out of the question next year.

“After the child is born and you’re given the okay to get back into regular exercise. We can arrange something for you again” She tells me with a knowing smile. “If you work a few hours and finish closing up and organizing early and the studio is free. I don’t think anyone will say anything about your dancing,” she says as if she knows what I am worried about and I nod my head understanding what she was saying.“If you work hard, and try your best you can still achieve your dreams. Now go get changed for class,” she tells me.

I nod my head.

* * *

Thank you all for the lovely comments last chapter. 

Yes, there is a line up to punch Ken....please get in line if you wish to do the same. haha! I gather by chapter 10 we should see him make his appearance. 

I look forward to your musing on this Chapter.

Tina


	7. Quilt the art of betrayal

Early November 

I walk into the familiar building, I wave shyly to the desk attendant who waves back at me as I make my way to the sunroom. I had gotten a message from Aunt Marilla the night before asking me to come for tea after I finished my dance class that morning. Which was also code for come have tea and pierce a quilt with a bunch of old ladies. Something I used to do a fair bit before the last year. I feel rather guilty about how many I had skipped since I decided to hang out with Rena or Ellie. Hoping that maybe if I acted out, or sought out attention that my parents would reconsider ballet school. It didn’t work, all it did was get me pregnant.

“Rilla!” I hear Mrs. Lynde called out. She was Aunt Marilla’s best friend. “Why look at you, a sight for sore eyes.” 

“Hi, Mrs. Lynde,” I say quietly. “How are you?” 

“Oh I’m still kicking around the gossip of this place, how is school? Marilla was overjoyed that you decided to come today. We have a new project starting today.” 

“Oh,” I managed to say as I spot Aunt Marilla, who is more like a grandmother than an Aunt. I never understood why she refused the term though.

“Rilla, you are here,” she said with a smile. “Come take off the sweater you’ll be sweltering in no time.” 

“I’m okay,” I replied shaking my head. I follow her to her chair and she points to beside her. She hands me a needle and spool of thread. I fish out the little sewing skit that I use on my pointe shoes for my snips. 

I’ve done this for so long that it comes naturally to me. Small even stitches, I always prided myself in my stitching. My pointe shoes were always so exact, while some girls sewed ribbons on with dental floss. I used heavy upholstery thread, making sure my stitches were sturdy and lasting yet pretty to look at. I strived to have pretty shoes up close and from afar. 

“So what grade are you in now Rilla?” Mrs. Allan asked I look up for a brief moment. 

“Grade 11,” I tell her. 

“Are you going to be Clara again in the nutcracker?” Another one asks. “You are always as wonderful as Clara. 

“No, I am a little too old for Clara this year,” I say quietly. 

“Graduating to the sugar plum fairy, are we? You must be so excited!” 

“I won’t be in this year's showcase at all this year,” I tell her honestly looking down at my work.

“Rilla isn’t dancing full time this year,” I heard Aunt Marilla tell them. “She takes after her mother in more ways than her looks.” Her smile was playful as she looked at me from the corner of her eyes. 

“Right, you said,” Another older lady nodded suddenly realizing what she had missed out on hearing. 

“Your mother was an absolute terror when Marilla took her in at times. Always going on, running off,” Mrs. Lynde told me breaking the ice. “Really if this the one you do that has you walking in her shoes, well praise be! It’s one that didn’t leave her almost drowning or what was the other one Marilla?” 

“Oh, that girl dyed her hair green, had a tea party the resulted in four intoxicated girls by mistake. Anise flavoured cakes and broken ankles. Then there was the time she broke porcelain plaque over Gilbert's head. It was the first day of summer camp where they were both working as cabin junior counsellors.”

“Mom did all that?” I looked at the two older ladies who chuckled. 

“Your mother tried every nerve, the day she finally admitted she was pregnant. I wasn’t even mad,” Aunt Marilla smiled knowingly at me. 

“She barely talks to me,” I admit quietly. “When she does it’s just her going off once again at me for something. Usually at my reluctance to tell her who is the father.” 

“Well, thankfully I knew right away who’s Joy’s father was,” Marilla nodded her head. “But really, people think all we old folk has never seen a teenage pregnancy. They’ve been around since the dawn of time.” 

“It was consensual?” Another lady asked. “Wasn’t it just a few years ago when Loretta Young’s children opened up about their mother and Clark Gable that cad of a man. What did they call it again.” 

“They call it date rape,” Aunt Marilla says authoritatively. 

“Right, of course. Gosh to think they have names for those instances finally. I wonder how many girls fell victim to such things back in the day and never said a thing. That’s not your case is it not?” Mrs. Barry said. 

“Oh, No!” I hurriedly say. “It was just a stupid night with a bunch drunken stupidity on my part, and his I suppose.” I blush. 

“Yet you won’t give him a name? Is he older?” 

“I promise, it was all consensual and legal I am sixteen after all,” I stress to them. I see Aunt Marilla give me a look. I bow my head looking down at my work and continue to my long stretch of short stitches. 

“Well, you will have to let us know when you have a baby shower, you will need all the help you can get,” Rachel spoke up. 

“I don’t think I’ll be having one,” I tell them honestly.

“Oh piss-posh of course you will,” Aunt Marilla told me. “Even your mother had one.” 

“She did?” I look up my eyes wide as I was shocked because I was fairly certain she said she never had one. 

“Of course she did, we didn’t tell her about it of course. It was a surprise after all, but she had one. She and your father needed all the help they could get.” Aunt Marilla told me. I was beginning to think she may just call up mom and give her an earful about her reaction to my pregnancy.

“Your mother is much too proud to admit how much help she had during those days,” Aunt Marilla said quietly. “Plus it gives us old ladies something to do and plan, we do enjoy a good party.” 

“Well, you can talk to mum about it,” I tell her quietly. 

“You’ll manage Rilla just as your mother and father did.” Aunt Marilla says quietly. “It's not the end of the world even if they think it is.” 

“I’m glad you came today,”

“I’m glad I came,” I say quietly. “It’s nice to get out of the house.” 

“Did I ever tell you that you are my favourite sudo-grandchild?” Aunt Marilla tells me as we pack up sewing kits. 

“I thought that was nonnegotiable since I am your name's sake,” I say with a smile. 

“Are you going to Joys?” She asked me. 

I nod my head. “She’s going to drive me back later tonight.” 

“Very good,” she said nodding her head. “You best leave before it gets too dark,” she said looking at her watch. “It was good to see you.” 

“Thank you,” I say quietly nodding my head as I give her a small hug. 

The walk to Joys wasn’t long, but the weather was chilly as I tugged my hat further to cover my ears. Headphone in my ears as I go over mental dance steps, as I do small footwork every once in a while as I walk. 

I wait for the comm to ring Joy’s phone as I bounce on her heels. 

“Hello?” 

“It’s me,” I tell her and hear the door automatically buzz open for me. 

Joy is waiting for me at the door. 

“How was the quilting bee?” She asked hugging me. 

“We gossiped, we sewed, I found out mom was a terror and had a baby shower for you,” I said as I slip inside and kick off my shoes. I peel off my layers until I was just wearing my yoga leggings and tunic. 

“Shouldn’t you be at least almost showing at this point?” She asked looking me over. I look down over my body. 

“There's a slight curve,” I object. “I’m only sixteen weeks,” I tell like it makes any difference to her. 

“Come on, Matt had dinner waiting for us, I’m going to use the bathroom.” She told me as she went down the hallway. 

“Rilla,” Matt says looking up from his cutting board. “Nice to see you,” 

“You as well,” I say quietly as he hands me a bowl of some sort of salad and dressing on it. I know him enough to trust him to not try and feed me anything he knows I wouldn’t like. He offers me a bag of shredded cheese and I nod my head as he sprinkles some on for me. 

“There a perfectly balanced salad for you,” he said.

Joy and I go take our plates to the kitchen table. 

“Why is this so good?” I ask as much on my salad, the taste of the mixture like fireworks in my mind. 

“You’re the only person I know that gets excited about salad.” Joy teases me as she shakes her head.

I shrug and munch loudly to annoy her on purpose. “I can’t help it if even blob likes it,” I tell her. 

“Or you just like eating cheese again?” Joy said with a knowing smile as she takes a bit of her salad that had chicken in it as well. 

“I need some protein and fats,” I shrug. “Matt says it’s a perfectly balanced salad for me.” 

“Matthias also likes Brussel sprouts,” Joy responded calling Matt by his full name and I make a face as well. “In my book, that means he can’t be trusted.” 

“You know there are shredded Brussel sprouts in the salad,” Matthias says coming up behind the sofa. I can hear his smirk as he says it.

He already helped me learn some new stretches when I mentioned tight muscles, from not dancing as much as I used to. He works in the fitness department at the local college, with a degree in kinesiology part-time while managing a small gym. 

I had been out with Joy when I complaining about the size of my new leotard when he met us for lunch one day. I didn’t want the ballerina who looked like an elephant in it. While I was no means fat, I was never lanky like the rest of my siblings. As often enough I had referred to as ropy poly as a child by my siblings. 

With my parent's permission and with Joy accompanying us much to her own dislike. I began child-friendly yoga classes and eventually they even took me running. It felt like he understands my need to have control over my body. Trying to teach me how to be healthy but not obsessive at the same time. Every other weekend, when they didn’t have the boys. To this day he still ran with me in the park on weekends in the morning.

“Darling, don’t ruin a good thing for you,” Joy warns him before she lets out a laugh and pokes me with her foot. “How are you doing?”

“All right,” I say shrugging my shoulders. “Life goes on, I’m officially out of the first trimester. Still pretty easy to hide from everyone. Not that I have many friends, to begin with?” 

“What happened to the girls you used to hang out with in elementary school, or from ballet?” Joy frowns. She didn’t like hearing that I had no friends. 

“The girls at ballet go to school all over, as for Alice and Emily. Emily moved last Christmas to Ontario. While Alice transferred over to French immersion because her parents thought it was better for her.” 

“You never said anything,” Joy frowned. 

I merely shrug. “Tis life?” 

“You must talk to some classmates?” Joy asked me concerned about my lack of friends. 

“There’s a new girl, we eat lunch together sometimes, her name's Olivia,” I tell her to settle her nerves. “ We don’t really have time to hang out. Though I doubt I would be able to go anywhere or do anything so what’s the point of having friends?”

“So you can have someone to talk to? Eventually, mom and dad will ease up. They’ll see that there is no reason to stop you from going out with a friend or having someone over. You can only hide this baby for so long, at some point, the school will know. It might be good for someone to know before that happens who will have your back?” Joy explains as she sets down her plate. 

“It doesn’t feel like it. Even spending the afternoon and the quilting circle with Aunt Marilla was pulling teeth with her.” I say quietly as I lay my head on her shoulder. “Do you still have the coconut ice cream?” 

I feel Joy’s laughter rumble in her chest before I hear. “Of course.” She said. “You’re brave,” she told me quietly. 

“No, just stupid,” I correct her as I lay my hand over my stomach. It’s strange to feel how different the hardness feels, but also how pronounced it gets after I eat a meal or as I throughout the day. 

“Can I?” Joy asked watching me. I nod my head slowly. 

“It’s mostly a food baby right now.” I try to explain it to her. She doesn’t care though, to her it’s the baby. “I can’t feel anything yet either,” I tell her before she can ask. 

Joy looks at me a look crosses her face and it worries for a moment. She sobers as she pulls her hand away and I’m silently waiting for whatever she has planned to say to be said. I watch her get up and walk to the kitchen. Opening the freezer as she looked at the ice cream while Matt gave her a quick kiss before he joined sat down in the chair near us in the living room. 

“Rilla,” She starts. “I know you choose this, we just want you to know that if you ever. If you ever decide that you don’t think you can manage, or realize that you’re out of your depth.” Joy stops for a moment. Gathering her words in her head, I know exactly where this going and my stomach flips as I stare down at the ice cream that is slowly melting. 

“If you change your mind, Matt and I can take the child for you,” she finishes. “It can be an open adoption, there doesn’t have to be any secrets.” She stresses. 

My heart sinks, even Joy thinks I can’t do this? That I wouldn’t be able to be a good mother. She was supposed to be on my side and yet here she was proposing an arrangement that I never said I wanted. 

I get up, placing the ice cream on the coffee table. 

“I wanna go home,” I tell her quietly. 

“Rilla,” Joy tries to stop me.

“No, I want to go home,” I shake my head I grab my sweater and my jacket and my bag searching for my bus pass in my bag. 

“Rilla, I’m just trying to give you an option,” Joy tried once more. 

“Did mom and dad put you up to this?” I ask bitterly as I try to keep myself from crying as I shove my feet in my shoes. 

“Of course not!” Joy exclaimed. “Rilla please I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Well, you did,” I say pointedly while sniffling. 

“At least let us drive you back home,” Joy sighs. “If not myself, at least let Matt?” She says tells me. 

“I’ll take the bus,” I tell her with a shake of my head. I pull on my toque and don’t look back as I shut the door. I check my phone, I had 20 minutes to get to the main bus station that would bring me home. It was a ten-minute walk from Joy’s place, I grasp my bag under my arm and walk quickly trying to avoid the ice on the sidewalk. 

I get there with a few minutes to spare as I take a few calming breaths as check my cell phone. 

**Joy- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.**

**Dad- Joy says you walked out and are catching the bus home?**

I got back to my home screen and hit messenger, scrolling down until I see it. I will myself not to cry in public. 

I see the bus pull into the terminal and I make my way to the line up of people. I tap my card and find myself a seat as I wipe my eyes of stray tears. I far people look at me, so I pull up my hood to hide my face. 

**On the bus, I’ll be home soon.** I reply to my father to let him know. 

**Dad-Is everything all right?**

**I rather not talk about it**. I type back and hit send and shut off my phone letting my music calm my nerves. 

The song Clarity comes into play as look out the window as we drive down out of the city. People come and go from the bus at various stops and I finally pull the wire to alert the driver to stop at the next stop. 

I got off by the back door and saw my father waiting for me at the stop. 

“You didn’t need to wait for me,” I say quietly. 

“You seemed upset,” He said after a moment. “It’s not often you and Joy fight,” Dad said taking my dance bag from my shoulder. 

“I rather not talk about it,” I tell him as I wrap my arms myself as we walk. 

“How are you doing otherwise then?” He asks me. I shrug in response, he knows all about the appointment already. “Look if you don’t talk about things, we can’t help you. You aren’t making it exactly easy for your mother and me. All were trying to do is help you and you just sit there like you not even listening to us. If you need someone to talk to, we can work that out for you if you having troubling processing things.” He tells me. 

“Then maybe don’t act like I know nothing when I do speak up, or try to make all the decisions for me,” I look up at him. “I don’t bother telling you what I want because I constantly get told that I don’t know what I need or want. Maybe I don’t, but how else am I going to learn and figure this out?” 

I hear him sigh. He knows I am right, that he and mother have been making all the decisions thinking it was best. 

“Joy told me if I changed my mind before,” I motion to myself. “That she and Matt would step up, that I can still be part of their life but as their aunt,” I explain. 

“Thats very kind of them,” My dads says quietly. “But it was another person to you that thinks you are in over your head?”

“She was supposed to be on my side,” I say bitterly.

“She is Rilla, she just sees another side to the story,” My father reminds me as he opens the side door of the house for me. “Your mother and I will try and be conscious of letting you make your own decisions.” 

I nod my head and step through the doorway and take off my shoes. Mom looks up at me from her spot at the kitchen table. I can see my father shake his head to keep her from saying something to me. 

Instead, she pushes me a piece of cake my way that she must have gotten from the bakery earlier today. 

“How was Aunt Marilla?” She asks me. 

I sit down, picking up the fork I nibble on the cake. Already mentally adding up the calories in my head to write in my journal when I got to my room. “She sends her love,” I say deciding that even the small sliver of the cake was too much for me when I half-finished it. I pushed it back towards her. “I’m full,” I tell her lying, but I know I had a banana floating around somewhere in my dance bag I could eat alone in my room. 

I don’t wait for a response as I rush out of the kitchen, ignoring the pointed gaze that was settled on my stomach. 

* * *

Thank you all for the lovely responses they really do make my day! 

I had fun with this one, and I do enjoy Joy and Gilbert in this chapter. 

As always I'm always open to your comments. 

Tina


	8. When you Need a Friend

“Rilla!” I hear my name being called as I have my head in my locker so I turn closing the door I lock my lock.

“Oh! Hey,” I say brightly as I see Olivia. “What's up?” I ask her with a smile. 

“Well, I was wondering the new Thor is playing, since Chris Hemsworth is a total babe? Do you want to head into the city and see it tonight since it's a cheap night?” She asked me wringing her hands as if she was nervous.

“Uhh, I’ll see what my parents say,” I tell her and watching her instantly regret asking me to hang out. “I’m not sure if I have money for the movies, but I might be able to come to your place. Or you can come to mine to watch a movie if you want?”

“Oh okay,” Olivia said her face brighten up that I wasn’t rejecting her. “Let me know what your parents say,” she says. “I finally got a new phone, what's your number?” 

“Oh, thats good!” I said and rattled off the number, and heard it ping in my backpack. “I’ll ask my mom before the next period. You do realize that I am the principal's daughter?” 

“I guessed somewhat, same last name, hair?” Olivia grinned. “It’s fine, as long you are fine my mom who will most likely want to paint you being an artist that she is”

“My dad is a doctor,” I tell her. “He’s a general practitioner and surgeon at the hospital in Charlottetown.” 

“Sounds fancy,” Olivia said in awe. I merely shrug. 

“They are still normal parents,” I shrug, “If anything I can’t hide anything from them.” 

“Oh good point there,” Olivia nodded her head. “Hey! Do you have a spare tampon?” 

“Let me see?” I say turning back to my still open locker and dug around my backpack. I was pretty sure I put some in when school started, of course, I ended not needing them. I find the small bag and let her take what she wants from it. 

“Thanks,” she said pocketing it. “Isn’t it the worst when it comes out of nowhere?” 

“Try getting it in the middle of dance class in a white leotard?” I tell her. “Though I do hear the only thing worse than getting it is not getting it at all,” I add one trying to gauge what her reaction might be one day when my secret is out in the open. 

“I suppose that can be true,” Olivia said as we finally headed to class. “Not that I have much to worry about that. Completely single, though my ex and I got to third base once.” She said quietly giggling. I laugh with her but don’t offer any of my own experience as we rush to get to our classes. 

I stop by the office before I head home, I point to my mother's office and the secretary nods to me and I knock politely on the door waiting to be called in. 

“Rilla,” Mom looked up. “I’m working late today.” 

“I know,” I say. “Olivia wants to hang out, is it all right if she comes over after dinner for a few hours?” I’m quietly pleading with her request. “She’s new and all, it would be nice to make her feel welcome?” 

“Rilla,” my mother starts, unsure of what to say to my request. 

“Please, we’ll just hang out in the basement and watch a movie? Don’t you always tell us to be nice to the new kids?” I tell her. 

“Fine, as long as long as her parents say it is all right.” My mom gives in. “Does she know?” 

I find myself shaking my head. 

“You might want to tell her before, well before she finds out from someone else?” She told me as if she knew from the experience of what it was like. Then again she most likely did, she didn’t talk about her senior year of high school much. The only person who gave us any sight was Aunt Diana whenever she came to visit often teased my mother about the good old high school days. She was my mother's oldest friend and had three children who were between the ages of Joy and Jem. 

I only nod my head. “I need to stop by the library for a book for my English project that due in a few weeks,” I explain and she waves me off. 

“I’ll see you at five then,” she tells me as her phone rings. 

When I reached home I found a note taped to the fridge. 

‘Got called in for an emergency. Dad/Gil’ 

He always signed his name as such, just encase Mom read the not first. I opened the fridge and grabbed the container of carrots.

“How little sister today?” I heard Shirley speak before I saw him. His curly brown hair pushed back what I can only assume is his girlfriend's glittery cat-eared headband. He was shirtless and wearing a pair of grey sweatpants. I almost half expected his girlfriend to pop up randomly. 

“Still pregnant,” I tell him sarcastically. “Can’t you latest put on a shirt, I’m not Arwyn,” I tell him. 

“She prefers Wynnie,” Shirley said gruffly as he grabbed the peanut butter and loaf of sourdough. “You know you don’t have to leave the room whenever she’s around. She thinks you don’t like her?”

“I’m nice to her!” I exclaim. “It’s not my fault that I don’t like whatever the book series you both seem to like when she’s around?” I object.

“Game of Thrones Rilla,” My brother tells me as if he’s chastising me. “It’s not that hard to remember. Unless that pregnancy of yours already is affecting your brain.” 

“You know I would expect a joke like that from Jem,” I tell him. “Maybe even Di, but it’s not like I went out expecting this to happen,” I tell him crossing my arms. 

“Well, when you come clean about who the father is. Maybe them I’ll give you a break,” Shirley said smirking as he bit into his sandwich he had been making. “Want a bite?” He asked offering me his sandwich.

“No, Thank you,” I tell him as I bite on my baby carrot. 

“You sure because carrots aren’t going to be your friend forever,” Shirley told me with an eye roll. 

“I just don’t see the point of eating empty calories when dinner is soon enough,” I tell him justifying my snack to him. “Plus I have my soy milk.” I hold up my jukebox sized beverage.

“Because I’m hungry, and I thought Dad wanted you drinking more dairy?” Shirley told me with a look. I make a face at Shirley, him calling me out of my avoidance of actual milk. “I see you scribble what you eat in that journal. I’m not blind like mom or dad.” 

“There is nothing wrong with keeping a food journal,” I stress to him. 

“If you say so,” Shirley said sarcastically to me. His phone went off and he looked at it and smiled as he shoved his sandwich into his mouth. “I have a date tonight,” he said grinning. 

I made a face, wondering how any girl could date him. 

I make time pass by tidying the basement and my room for Olivia to come over before dinner. My phone pings every once in a while and I sink on my bed in my room just as Walter pops up to say hello, and not a moment FaceTime goes off. Walter doesn’t know yet I didn’t want to ruin his trip and mom and dad hadn’t mentioned it to him. At the same time, the chances of seeing Ken around him was too much a possibility and if Ken asks questions or comes clean to Walter. It isn't a good thought. 

I answer trying to school my face when it been long enough. 

“Walter!” I exclaim plastering a smile on my face as his face graces my screen. It tan and his grey eyes are vivid. His hair is longer than I have ever seen it. He looks happy. 

“Rilla-my-Rilla!” he says back to me. “Your face is a sight to behold,” he said. 

“I can’t wait to see you,” I say quietly. 

“I am looking forward to being home as well for the holidays, and then back to Kingsport of course,” he says. “The nutcracker must be in rehearsals by now,” he says. "I can't wait to see you in it."

“Actually, I’m not in it this year,” I tell him quietly. 

“What do you mean did you get hurt?” He frowned before I hear someone call him and it sounds an awful lot like Ken. “Sorry but apparently supposed to go out for a drink, can I call you tomorrow?” He asked. 

I sigh, my face falling, I shake my head. “I’m at work tomorrow,” I tell him. “Go have fun, love you,” I tell him. 

“Love you to Sis,” he says and I toss my phone aside. I sigh as I rub my hand over my stomach. 

“I really don’t know what I’m doing,” I say quietly out loud. “But I promise to at least try my best little one, no matter what happens after you’re born.” I grab my phone once more, and I see that Walter's call hadn't closed properly. I have a moment of panic wondering if Walter had heard me but it didn’t seem like it as if he had. If he had, he would be calling back for clarification. I don't have time to think of it as Mom is calling me for dinner.

* * *

Olivia rings the doorbell at 6:30 as we were just finishing loading the dishwasher. “I got it,” I tell them. Olivia is standing there with a bag that appears to be movie candy.

“Welcome to my home,” I say let her in, watching her kick off her shoes and place them nicely next to all the others.

“It’s big,” She says which I don’t really agree with, but with seven kids space always seemed limited. There were larger houses on our street though.

“Well, at one point there were seven of us kids at home,” I explain simply pointing to the last family photo that contained all of us kids. “That Joy she’s the oldest, then there is Jem. Walter is the one with dark hair. Di and Nan are twins, Di is the redhead of the two. Shirley is next and then me, the youngest.” I tell her as I lead her into the Kitchen where mom and dad were going on about their schedule for that week. 

“Uhh, this is Olivia,” I introduce my friend. “We’ll be down in the basement watching a movie if thats okay?”

“Of course, It’s nice to see you Olivia,” Mom steps closers to us. 

“You as well Principal Blythe,” Olivia said quietly as she looks around the kitchen. The fridge full of magnetics and photos, in those, was one solo ultrasound photo that Joy had stuck to the fridge. Her way of trying to not let us ignore the situation. 

“Oh just call me Anne, everyone does at home,” She told Olivia with a wave of her hand and looked at the bag of snacks. “Do you need any bowls, drinks?” My mom asks, 

“I think we’ll be okay,” Olivia told her. “It’s mostly some chocolate chip cookies, and meringue clouds and a few things of chocolate.” She explained. “I know Rilla doesn’t eat much candy.” 

I watched my father take in Olivia or the fact that I actually had a friend over. Or maybe it was the fact that she thinks I will eat anything other than vegetables. “Well, don’t make yourselves sick,” he said. “Nice to meet you, Olivia.” He said. 

“You as well Dr. Blythe. Thank you for allowing me to come over.,” Olivia says politely. I nudge her towards the basement staircase wanting to escape my parents. 

We settle down on the old sectional and ended up choosing one of the old barbie princess movies from my old collection. Nostalgia at its finest, as we both laughed at our old fascination with Barbie. 

I watched it as I nibbled on a meringue, it was soft and pillowy in the middle, swirled with some raspberry sauce. Olivia was eating the chocolate chip cookies with a look a bliss on her face. I watched her rather jealous of how she seemed to never regret eating something if it gave her some sort of joy. 

“How long have you been dancing?” She asked me curiously when the movie finished. 

“I think I started when I was about three?” I answer thinking about it. “I had so much energy that it just gave me an outlet. I started taking it seriously when I turned about ten. All I wanted was to be on pointe to be like all the dancers I saw on stage.” I explained and motioned for her to follow me to another portion of the rec room. “My own little studio,” I explain to her. 

“Do you go through a lot of point shoes?” She asked looking at my pile of dead shoes in the corner.

“About two or three a month depending on how much I dance, I don’t think this year will be many,” I tell her honestly. 

“Are you injured?” A look of horror as the thought of an injured dancer crossed her mind. 

“No,” I shake my head and motion to sit down on the floor with me. 

“It’s a bit more complicated than that,” I tell her to with a sigh. “This may change your mind about being my friend.”

“I doubt that,” Olivia brow furrows trying to understand why I was worried. I shrug off my oversized sweater so I am just wearing my t-shirt. 

“The school uniform hides it fairly well,” I said as I turned in and looked in the mirror. 

“You had too many tacos for dinner?” She asked making a joke still not understanding. 

“I got drunk at a party this summer,” I start, watching her expression change. “I met this guy and ended up,” I tell her, motioning the word sex to her in the air.

“You think I will stop being your friend if you’re pregnant?” She asked me with a strange look on her face. 

“I’m preparing for it to happen. Who wants to be friends with the laughing stock of the school?” I tell her quietly. 

“The photo on the fridge?” Olivia asked piecing it together. 

“My sister Joy put that there,” I tell her. “I am not my parent's favourite child at the moment. It’s her way of trying to make them remember and well, not ignore the situation. It’s not everyone's favourite topic here. The fact that you’re allowed to be here right now is well an achievement.” 

“Your parents must have been young when they started having children?” Olivia asked thinking back to Joy’s picture. 

“Mom had Joy at eighteen,” I reply. “They gave us one rule growing up.”

“To not get pregnant in high school?” Olivia said with a small knowing smile. It felt nice to talk about it. “I think most homes have that rule actually, maybe not to an extreme that your parents may have enforced it.” 

“Apparently it didn’t do much, or they just got so used to compliant kids that they just thought it wouldn’t happen. I was the good kid who only wanted to dance, rarely dated.” I tell her as I laid down on the floor. 

“What do you plan on doing?” Olivia asked me quietly. 

“Well, much to my parent's dismay, keep it,” I respond. “Which is insane since I don’t know anything about babies, but I just couldn’t, I couldn’t fathom doing anything else?” I say even more quietly. 

“What about the father?” 

“It’s complicated, he’s not from around here. I know who he is, of course, I tried reaching out and well, got nothing back so I’m not entirely sure what to do. I’m obviously someone he regrets but he deserves to know.” I explain to the best of my ability without mention Ken at all. Suddenly my all my resolved crack as I feel a sob bubble up in my chest as tears burned my eyes. 

I barely noticed Olivia scooting closer and pulled me into a hug, as I cried. I spent so much time pretending to be fine, to be okay with everything happening that I even forgot how much it wasn’t. 

It was my dad who came down the stairs when I cried for more than five minutes. “Everything all right down here?” He asked. 

Olivia looked up at him as I hiccuped and only nodded to him. We sat quietly as he headed back up the stairs. I can hear him say something to mom quietly. 

“Would you teach me some dance?” Olivia asked trying to make me feel better. As I wiped my face with my nearby sweater. 

“What size are your feet?” I ask her. 

“Size 8,” She said and I look through a pile of flat shoes. 

“These should fit you,” I tell her. “They are new,” I add on as I grab a pair of beat-up split soles and pull them on. 

I go through a simple child-friendly warm-up not to overwork her. I correct her when needed. 

“You still do this every day?” Olivia asked wiping sweat from her forehead. 

“I need to,” I nod my head. “Dance class isn’t as it was. Some of the girls are catching on since I’m regulated mostly to the barre and I'm not in the Christmas showcase. But they are nice about it I suppose. I think they know something is going on since I’ve been wearing baggy sweaters over my leotard.” 

Olivia nods her head at me. “Are you worried about them or school?” 

“School more than ballet,” I say honestly. “Though I should be able to hide it for a while yet from school.” 

“What's it like to be on pointe?” She asked curiously. 

"Painful at first, but you get used to it," I tell her honestly.

I sit back down and grab a pair that seemed to have a bit of life still left in them. I fit myself with spacers and my toe pads before I slip my feet into the shoes and tie them quickly. 

I stand up and grasping the barre, I roll up on to pointe. I pose for her, before some poses before going to bourrees( tiny steps taken on pointe with feet close together) travelling back and forth on the floor. My arms moving to imaginary music, I finish with a pirouette before bowing to her. 

“It’s magical,” Olivia said in amazement. 

“It’s just practice,” I flush brushing her off, I sit back down and tug off my point shoes. “Want to head upstairs to my room?” 

“Sure,” Olivia says as she slips on her socks once more. We gather up the sweets that I had only nibbled on. She walked up the stairs, and I showed her more of the house as we went up to the second floor. 

“When are you due?” She asks as she brings out her phone. 

“May 6th, ” I tell her as we sit on my bed. “I’m sixteen weeks, in my second trimester.” She spends another minute on google. 

“Well, the baby is as big as an avocado, which I know you love,” She said. “It can also suck its thumb now,” she told me. “Though I’m sure you know that.” 

I shake my head. “I didn’t, I haven’t allowed myself to really think much about it. Let alone try and be excited about anything,” I tell her honestly. 

Her face sobers slightly as she nods her head understanding. “Which is understandable, you never set out for this after all?” 

“Sometimes I wonder if I had been allowed to go to ballet school, or if I hadn’t been some intent of trying to be cool if this still would have happened? If I hadn’t dated Fred Arnold last spring, yeah I dated him.” I admit to her. “The complete idiot who only talks about sports the year above us. But he was popular and he decided he liked me and I thought I liked him, loved him even. In the end, it was just a ploy to get me into his bed and it worked.” 

“What happened?” Olivia frowned. 

“He got jealous when I spent more time dancing than with him. Then when I told him I was going to summer intensive for dance he got angry. Clearly, dance was subpar to his summer party schedule,” I shrug. “We fought, we broke up and I went to summer intensive. Besides this one's father, he’s the only other one and it’s not like he tried to make it worth my while.” I tell her. “The first time he was sweaty from hockey practice,” I make a grossed out face which Olivia copies. “I was going to ask my mom to go on the pill after the third time, but we broke up before I did.”

“Doesn’t seem like you look back fondly on the experience?” My friend asked carefully. I shrug in response thinking quietly for a moment. 

“I suppose I could have told him to shove it when he kept asking, bugging me about it. I guess he just wore me down? I don’t think anything bad happened, it’s not like he raped me anything. I said yes and we were safe, though apparently, that didn’t matter with this one.” I sigh poking my stomach. “I mean I can wonder at all the scenarios, what if I never did it, would I still have allowed myself to follow him to the tent?” I say with a sigh. 

"Sometimes things just happen," Olivia says in a way that I can hear Aunt Marilla saying the same thing but adding God into the mix.

“Girls, it’s nine o’clock,” Mom says from the bottom of the stairs. 

“Do you need a ride?” I look to Olivia who shook her head, checking her phone. 

“My brother is on his way,” She told me. “This was fun, and Rilla your secret is safe with me but if you ever need to talk. Just text me.” She tells me and I nod my head and she hugs me. 

I walk her to the door, watching her get into her brother's car, waving before pulling away. I wave back before deciding to go take a shower. I hum to myself as I wash my hair, detangling the curls with a wide-tooth comb as the conditioner soaks in. Stepping out I wrap a towel around my body before I get to work on styling my hair. Which was a process of creams and scrunching out the moisture with one of Jem’s old tee-shirts. I pull on my pyjamas before heading back to my room. 

I grab my phone from the charger, frowning as I see an unknown number as a missed call. There was no voicemail either so I shrugged deciding it was most likely a wrong number. 

“Olivia seems nice,” Mom says as she comes up to check on me as I am writing in my journal. 

“She is,” I say looking up. 

“Well, don’t stay up too late.” She says, part of her looks like she wants to tuck me in like old times or curl up on my bed to read together as we used to. Instead, she lingers in the doorway, unsure how to approach me since I admitted I was pregnant to them. 

“I won’t,” I tell her. 

She nods her head before closing my door halfway and going back downstairs. I sigh and look down at my journal. Pencilling in my evening snacks, deciding I would need a good workout and a healthy eating day. I could do some stretches at the dance shop tomorrow I decided before closing it. 

I shut off my lamp as I hug my large body pillow before I grab my phone once more. Out of lack of self-control as I type Ken's name into Facebook. 

‘In a relationship with Maggie McCallum’ 

I toss the phone aside, wishing I had never seen what he had been tagged in. 


	9. Please Say Something?

Early December 

It was a cold day when I stepped out of the car. Winter, I never did enjoy it. I shivered as I tossed my backpack over my shoulder. I headed towards the doors when I saw Olivia waiting for me, she opened the door despite the cold and ran to me. 

“They know,” Olivia said as she had come early for basketball practice. “They were all talking about in the locker room. Someone saw you at the clinic, or maybe when you were having lunch out after your appointment. They had this taped to your locker,” she said handing over the piece of paper to my mother and not me but I could see a large W and another S on it.

Whore and Slut

Kids were as cruel as they back in the ’80s, maybe worse now that we had social media. I hadn’t checked my social breakfast. I was scared to even look at my phone now. 

“If anyone bugs her?” My mom looked at Olivia who had proven over the past two weeks that she was sticking around. She spent the evenings I wasn’t working or trying to dance with me watching movies. Occasionally chatting about the baby as she pulled up various facts, something that impressed dad when he heard her. 

“Of course Mrs. Blythe,” Olivia said with a sharp nod of her head. Mom left us, and I took a deep breath before I allowed myself into the school. It wasn’t as bad as what I had thought out in my mind it would be. Yes, people starred, yes people whispered as I passed them in the hallway but no one said anything to my face. But it wasn’t like how they portray it in the movies or t.v shows. No-one turned around and pointed and laughed at me. 

Still, Olivia waited as I put away my things watching my back, literally for me. Before she walked me to my first class. 

The teacher looked me over, as I took my seat, wrapping my sweater tighter around me. The morning announcements and Oh Canada came on and the school day had begun, except this time it ended up with a final message. 

A reminder that social and online bullying was still not tolerated in school. I groan I know my mother is only trying to keep the school calm and think twice but in reality, it would only make it work. The teacher seems sympathetic as she gives me a look as I curl up in a ball wanting to hideaway. She thankfully leaves me be, as I begin my morning math class.

My phone is on fire as it continues to light up. Instagram messages that I could only imagine what they said.

Shirley pops up in a text message as I pull out my phone to use my calculator. 

_**I wouldn’t look at Snapchat right now, actually don’t look at anything. Do you want me to turn things to private?** _

I sigh. Only Shirley could manage to know my passwords and even then I didn’t want to know-how. Then again most of them were sadly dance-related. 

_**Sure—**_ I reply simply. Instagram was already private but I can only assume that he would block anyone sending me comments. 

**_On it!—_** Was the reply I got. 

I was halfway through class when one of the secretaries knocks on the door and hands my teacher a note. She nods her head and continues teaching, during her rounds to check how we were doing she slips me the piece of paper before moving on. 

I open it and see that the guidance counsellor wishes to see me at my earliest convenience. I look at her and she nods her head while helping another student. I pack up my things and quietly live the room as she shushes the snickers that began to wise. 

I head to the library, going through the hall, down the stairs to the first floor. The librarian looks at me and I show her my note to which she nods and allows me entry. I turn the corner with the guidance counsellor was and knocks. 

“You wanted to see me?” I asked 

Mrs. Dawson looks up and motions for me to come in. I shut the door and sit down in the chair. 

“Yes, yes, thank you for coming,” She says with a smile. 

“Didn’t have much of a choice,” I remind her, which she frowns at. “What do you wish to talk about?” I play it off like I don’t know why I was called. Why make it easy for her? 

“Rilla,” she gives me an empathetic look. “I’ve heard some rumours in the halls this morning.” 

“Isn’t that a common thing?” I say still not admitting anything to her. 

“Do your parents know?” She asks me. She can’t go ask my mother I realize, it would be too awkward.

“Know what?” I ask her back. I’m being insolent and I’m far from caring. She gives me a look as she looks me over. Making her self-consciously wrap my arms around my midriff. “My fathers a doctor, of course, they know.” 

She let out a sigh of relief. “Are you planning on keeping the child?” 

“Thats the plan,” I said looking up at the ceiling. “I don’t see how it’s any of your business though,”

“When it comes to your education how you will finish the school years it does,” Mrs. Dawson tells gently. “I’m not here to judge you, just guide you so you can graduate on time. When are you due?” 

“May 6th,” I tell her quietly. 

“So we should either see if you can take exams early or do some extra credit. That way you can take the last few weeks of school off,” She said clicking on her keyboard. 

“Mom said something about homeschool possibly if it was easier,” I tell her and she looks up. 

“I’m sure your mother is looking down every avenue,” she agreed. “Does the father plan of taking any time from school? Does he go here?” 

“No, he doesn’t, and I don’t know,” I said quietly, making her look over me over more.

“You broke up?” 

“There was never an us, to begin with, it was just a stupid one-night thing,” I say to explain, she nods her head again. 

“Well, his loss then,” she said which surprised me. Most people ask more questions, try to get more answers. Maybe she’s seen enough teen pregnancies to know when to stop asking, maybe she realizes it wasn’t her concern. 

“I’ll look over your schedule and talk to your teachers. We can put together a few plans for you, if you need to pull out of school earlier we should have a plan put in place for such events,” she tells me. “I’ll do everything I can to help you graduate on time and college when it comes down to it.” 

I nod my head. Everyone is kind and helpful it rather surprises me.

“If you ever need to talk, vent my door is always open to you,” she tells me. 

“I'll try to remember that,” I tell her. “Can I go now?” I ask her. 

“Of course,” Mrs. Dawson said. I hold my books and stand up and she hands me a note to explain I was speaking to her which caused me to be late. 

I go to the washroom before I head back upstairs to the English wing. I hand the note to my teacher who nods his head and I slip into my seat next to Olivia. 

“What happened?” She asked as she spotted me. 

“Guidance counsellor wanted to have a chat about how I’m going to finish school,” I explain quietly. “Did I miss anything?” 

“Nah, just people making fun of Shakespeare,” Olivia tells me with a smile. I nod my head and open my English binder and look up at the board. It was a class of reading out loud and discussions about Macbeth. By the time the bell rang my stomach was growling. 

“Come on, I brought some brownies I made last night,” Olivia tells me as she hears it. I obediently follow her to my locker to get my lunch before heading towards the cafeteria. I grab my lunch from my bag and my bullet journal. We walk down to the cafeteria after stopping at her locker to grab her lunch bag and find a table to hide at. People whispered around us, some shouted names at me.”

“So you’re what eighteen weeks now?” Olivia says as she brings up something on her phone. 

“Really we're at school?” I try to get her to close the app. “I don’t even follow that sort of thing.” I object. 

“But it’s fun!” Olivia grinned. “The baby is the size of an artichoke, its ears are almost formed and has fingertips.” 

“Really,” I say grabbing her phone. 

“No! I thought you didn’t care about this sort of thing,” Olivia teases me. 

“I don’t,” I huff as I open my container of salad, my mom had snuck a few mini bocconcini cheese then I had originally put. I sigh and push them aside with my fork, squeezing my lemon wedge over my salad mixed it lightly. 

“I still can’t get over the whole lack of salad dressing,” Olivia said shaking her head. 

“I just don’t like dressing,” I shrug taking a bite of my salad. She had a sandwich and container with two brownies in it along with some grapes, cheese and crackers. 

“You do have more lunch don’t you?” She asked me in a motherly tone. 

I pull another divided out container full of strawberries on one side and cottage cheese on the other. “Happy?” 

“I’m just looking out for the godchild,” Olivia told me with a smile. 

“I’m presbyterian, we don’t have baptisms, christenings or godchildren,” I tell her. 

“Yet I am catholic and I am anointing myself honorary godmother of your child.” Olivia grinned. “That way I can be Auntie Olivia.” 

“Because they won’t have four Aunties already, along with their four Uncles?” I say as I include Faith and Matt into the count. 

“You can never have too many,” Olivia smiled and shrugged at me. “I think everyone is almost bored of the new already,” she said looking around. 

“I doubt it,” I said sighing. I spy my ex-boyfriend at another table, laughing with his friends. 

“The kid is not mine!” He shouts from the tabletop. A nearby teacher pulling him down, scolding him for acting in such a way. 

“Just ignore him,” Olivia told me. “You’re much better off without him being the father anyway. Whatever did you see in him?” 

“He was the captain of the hockey team?” I say with a shrug. “Can’t say much about the sex, not much to compare it to,” I admit. “The only other person I’ve been with I don’t necessarily remember much of.” 

“Yet you have forever gift,” Olivia said as she bit into her sandwich. 

“So it seems,” I said with a sigh. My phone buzzes once more, I glance at it seeing it was Joy. I click it off. I hadn’t spoken to her since early November. The night I left her place in tears, feeling like she betrayed me. At this point I know I'm being childish holding my grudge but I still hold it anyway.

“You ever going to answer her?” Olivia asks me. She knows all about Joy and why I had been avoiding my older sister. Taking the bus home whenever I could or waiting for Dad to pick me up for a walk. I was one avoided call away from her showing up at work at this point I gathered. 

“Maybe at Christmas?” I say with a sigh. “I know I’m being childish but what she said asked, said really hurt,” I say as I push my eat eaten lunch away. 

“My aunt according to my mom was given two choices when she had her daughter when just graduated high school,” Olivia tells me. “If she wanted to keep it, she was on her own. If she wanted support she had to give it up and they told her older brother and wife would take the child. She hated the thought of watching someone raise her baby with her in the background, the sidelines. Still, they pressured her into it. It only made things worse for her.” 

“What happened to her?” I ask curiously. 

“She went away to college and did some stupid things,” Olivia says quietly. “It didn’t end well for her.” 

I nod my head somehow knowing what Olivia had meant. 

“What about the baby?” I ask. 

“She grew up loved, but never truly understanding the situation. Then she got married ad had a little girl named Olivia,” Olivia said with a small half-smile. “My mom wants you to know that she thinks you’re brave, and if you want another perspective that doesn’t always advocate for the other A word. She’d be willing to talk to you about her own experience.” 

I nod my head. “I’ll think about it,” I tell her honestly as we both stand up and grab our trays to bring over to the garbage bins. 

We were just about done at my locker when I was approached. 

“So who is the father?” Fred cornered me later in the hall. 

“I don’t see how it’s any of your business,” I shut my locker and walk around him. 

“He’s not around, is he? Runaway from your crazy tendencies, or maybe it was the fact that you couldn’t stop thinking about dance enough to enjoy yourself?” Fred said out loud. 

“Or you were all about yourself and didn’t care enough about the other person?” I snap at him. 

I can hear a few students around him snicker at my insult.

“Actually better yet, at least I didn’t have to worry about him trying to fuck me while I was asleep even if I was drunk?” I tell him, reminding him about the time I woke up to his down my pants. 

I see the girl he was dating at the moment look at him in shock, or disgust I wasn’t entirely sure. The rest of the crowd all making burn and sizzle comments. I escape Olivia, catching up to me. 

“Rilla please don’t—,” she said out of breath. “That didn’t happen?” 

I shrug. “I dumped him afterwards. I don’t really wish to talk about it right now.” I tell her. “I’ll see you after class?” 

“Sure,” I see her sigh and nod her head as she spilt into our separate directions. 

* * *

I was hungry, I could eat anything given to me at this point. I was that hungry and I had never experienced such a feeling until now. I run down the stairs, not caring about ankle injuries or even the baby. It didn’t matter I had picked at my dinner as I usually did. I wanted food and I was going to eat it. 

I stop short of the kitchen when I hear my mother's voice. 

“Leslie! What a surprise!” She exclaims as she picks up her ringing phone. “How's Owen? The Kids?” She asked talking quickly. “Oh wait let me put you on speaker, I'm just cleaning up the kitchen." 

“We’re all good, Owen is in his office, and Persis is should be home a few days from Japan,” Leslie’s voice filters into the room. “How is Walter?” 

“Oh he’s good, he’ll drive from Kingsport tomorrow sometime,” my mother replies. “How’s Ken doing?’

“Actually Ken is the reason I’m calling,” Leslie says with a strange catch to her voice. “I was filling him in on all the gossip that afternoon and I mentioned in passing about Rilla. Her predicament and refusing to say who the father is. Well, Ken suddenly went quiet and he asked how many months she was. When I said around eighteen weeks, so about four and a half? He just nodded and walked out of the room saying he had to go check something. 

“Well, that is strange,” Mom hummed clearly not seeing why Leslie was calling.

“I found him packing a bag a half-hour later saying he had to go,” Leslie said to my mom in a queer voice. “I asked him where he had to go, and he looked at me and said, ’I have to talk to Rilla’. Anne…I don’t know what to say or think. I mean this is impossible, he’s twenty-two. Rilla only just turned sixteen. It’s impossible, right? He can’t be the father to Rilla’s baby?” Leslie spoke sounding hopeless and terrified. 

I watch my mother turn as she heard the floor squeak under my feet. I had told them the truth, I told them I tried to tell him, but I haven’t heard from him. It was true, Ken read and ignored my message that day. 

“I will look out for Ken, Leslie. I need to go have a conversation with my daughter.” My mother says looking at the phone. Hanging up after Leslie said a quick goodbye.

“Mom?” I say quietly. Her gaze dropping to the small swell of my stomach. 

“Rilla—?” She began. “Please, tell me. Tell me that Leslie Ford is just being paranoid.” 

I look down at my miss-matched sock, unable to look her in the eyes. 

“How is this even possible?” She asked me suddenly rubbing her temples.

“We met at a party, I suppose we were too drunk to care who we were,” I found myself explaining. “It was a mistake, he hated himself for it. He drove me home and we spoke briefly about it.” 

“You were that drunk you didn’t recognize the boy that you idolized when you was ten?” My mother gave me a look. “How could he not recognize you Rilla, he’s known you all his life!”

“Oh! Don’t even go there! Don’t go insinuating that he knew it was me. He hadn’t seen me for three years, and the purple hair didn’t probably help much” I object to her questioning. “We thought we had been safe—,” 

“Not safe enough,” Mum says sarcastically for what seems like the millionth time. “All you needed to do was take Plan B, Rilla. My god, you have sex in a tent! Where did that condom even materialize from? His wallet?” 

“I don’t know! He had a duffle bag with him! He could have had a box of them! I don’t even remember much of the night, I vaguely remember the sex!.” I exclaimed. “He said it was fine and either way but I’m an idiot for thinking I could at least trust him! Though I would think given the circumstances that if he was worried. He would have at least offered to go to take me to the drugstore himself!”

Mom just stood there, I could tell she didn’t want to admit that sounded like something that Ken Ford would have done. Though in her mind you can never be too safe. 

“God, I don’t even know what your father is going to say about this. I didn’t think this could get any worse, but apparently, you're going for a full trifecta of stupid decisions.” 

My pregnancy is still a touchy subject, neither parent was happy with my current situation. Dad was sympathetic as he could be but still, we rarely spoke about the baby since he met me from the bus stop. Of course, there was the never-ending reminder to take my vitamins, to eat an additional snack. He would pick me up from work at the studio when he could, even those car rides were rather silent. The radio playing his music from the late ’70s and 80’s, I knew when he was had something on his mind by what he listened to. I knew that he played Bowie for me often as it was the one few I could appreciate with him. 

“At the very least, at least we tried to be safe!” I snap at her. It was a low blow to remind her that Joy only came into existence because mom and dad thought they were invincible.

“Marilla Nadine Blythe,” Mom’s voice drops down low. “Go to your room and stay there until your father comes home. 

“I’m hungry,” I object. 

“Then grab a banana and get upstairs before I say things I regret,” Mom warns me. 

I heed her warning mostly since I had a headache and didn’t want it to get worse. Though I grab a container of yogurt, a banana, a mix of muesli and a carton of almond milk. She looks at me in disbelief, then it was like she understands. This hunger was happening against my own will as I grab a handful of string cheese and stalk upstairs. 

I eat my feast slowly before crawling into bed. Imagining what my father would say when he got home in the morning. It would an awkward breakfast. The reality is I didn't even make it downstairs before he was in my doorway as I still laid in bed.

“Kenneth Ford?” Dad utters in disbelief. “This has to be a joke? This can’t be real.” Mom is coming up behind him trying to what appears to calm him down, Shirley trailing behind them not totally understanding what was going on. 

“Pretty sure it’s real,” I say underneath my breath. Mom glares at me but I am past the point of caring. 

“Kenneth Ford?” Dad repeats looking at me, it’s all clicking in his mind. Why Ken was there that morning, the more he thought about it the redder in the face he got. 

“According to Leslie he left around noon yesterday and sent a message that he stopped in Quebec City for the night.” Mom told him before turning towards me. “Have you heard from him?” 

I shake my head too confused over what was happening. If he ignored my message back then why was he racing here? 

“I wasn’t lying when I said I tried to tell him. I don’t know what he’s doing or why he’s coming he didn’t care before,” I breakdown. Mom softens a little when she sees me cry. 

“We’ll figure this out,” She tries to reassure me. 

“I need to do this,” I say quietly shaking my head. “I need to know why now." 

"It's your right to," She says with a sigh before dragging dad away. Shirley lingers longer. 

"Ken Ford?" he says. "At least I understand the secrecy behind it all now. Though if it was just an accident, why hide it?" he asked me. 

"You wanted me to tell them I slept with Walters best friend? Someone six years older, when they know his parents? I didn't want him to find out like this, he wasn't supposed to find out like this." I sob hitting the bed with my hand rather hysterically. "I didn't want them to think bad of him, I went to a party I shouldn't have, it just happened." 

"You said he ignored you?" Shirley said giving me a moment to compose myself and I just nodded my head. 

"Don't hurt him, it's not like I said, hey I'm pregnant, I just asked if we could talk," I told Shirley and he shrugged as if he was saying no promises. "I need to get ready for school," I say motioning to my bed head and pyjama's I was still wearing. Dad was muttering and pacing around the house when I come downstairs. He doesn't want to believe it, Kenneth Ford he would mumble. The boy who played in hour back yard. The boy who was Walters best friend. How were they going to break it to Walter!

My eyes were still puffy from all my crying as I walked out of the house in my school uniform. It only took one look before Olivia pulled me into a hug as her mother looked back at us in the mirror frowning. 

“Is everything all right?” She asked me sympathetically.

“Just your average every morning,” I tell her with a shaky smile, but Olivia gives me a look of wanting more information. “Daddy has entered the picture or will be. I’m sure it will be a surprise of a lifetime that came second hand from his mother.” I sighed. "This is exactly what I didn't want to happen, I didn't want him to hear it second hand, and still it happened."

I could see Mrs. Bertrand's eyebrows raise as she drove but she said nothing. It was no secret I had yet to come out and say who the father of my child was.

“Well, will you just tell me who it is? I know I don’t know him but give me a name at least?” She asked me. 

“His name is Ken and he’s a family friend, Walters friend,” I say quietly and offer no other information. She looks at me as she trying to place Walter in my family, and just how old he was. 

“Isn’t Walter is like what 22?” She whispered. 

“Yeah,” I nod my head, “Not, the brightest moment of my life, obviously.” Suddenly my phone pings and I feel my heart racing at messenger is telling me I have a new message from Kenneth Ford on Instagram of all places. 

_**‘God I hope you see this…So yeah,**_ (I can see him run his hand through his hair in my mind after typing that.) _**I’m not exactly sure what to say right now but I’m about to drive into New Brunswick. I have a feeling that we need to talk?**_

I swallow my saliva. As my hands shake, I wanted to talk months ago and was ignored. I didn’t know what to say, so I left it on read. It was spiteful, but it hurt four months ago that day. 

Olivia looked at me and I mustered up a fake smile. 

“Maybe the message got intercepted?” She offered to try to show me another perspective. “We don’t know what happened, but at least be the bigger person at this moment?” 

I sigh and pick up my phone once more as it buzzes

_**Please just say something?** _

I take a deep breath and hit the message bar and all I write back is 

_**Yes.** _

* * *

As I approach Ken coming into this story I will be basing much of his reaction on my boyfriend who at twenty-two found out his girlfriend of two months was pregnant. Much of the story is based on similar experiences. From my stepbrother and girlfriend having a baby at 16. To my career working in a ballet company and seeing the dancers and students do amazing things. While I don't dance, I see their lifestyle and how they live and breathe dance. 

Thank you all for the lovely reviews...and I am sorry where I left this chapter off....but I had to!


	10. Don't think, just Jump

Well, here we are, the grand moment. It's a lot of talking and I hope I did it justice!

* * *

Early December

The rest of the day was long and tiring, Olivia had stuck by me whenever she could, but all I wanted to do was go home. Hideaway from the inevitable that was soon to happen. I cried in the girl's washroom at lunchtime, I cried during history class to the point the teacher had excused me to go down to the school nurse. Mom had come in to check on me at one point. The rumours were running rampant around the hall, it was even worse than yesterday at this point. Kids had taken to once she was called Grandma in the halls, to which prompted detentions. What seemed like a lifetime, I finally picked up my backpack, as Olivia glared at anyone who tried to say a word to me. 

My phone buzzes and I see his message. 

_**I’m in the parking near the front door.** _

I look to Olivia for support, as I take a deep breath. My hormones threatening to make me cry once more. She hugs me, something I didn’t know I needed until that moment. 

“He wouldn’t have driven all this way if he didn’t mean to do right by this,” Olivia reminds me. 

I exhale as I grab my backpack and lifted my chin. I see him there waiting for me, leaning against his car despite the cold day. He was looking at his phone, but then he looks up, it takes him a minute to spot me. We walk slowly toward him, as I grasp Olivia's hand for support. I stop a few feet in front of him and I turn to Olivia who gave me a big hug and whispering she would stay if I didn’t feel safe. I shake my head, I knew Ken, he would never hurt me. 

“Text me when you can,” She said and glanced at Ken with a bit of a grin. “At least you’ll have a good looking baby. 

My mouth drops and I flush, as I’m sure that he heard her. She skips away leaving me as I fiddle with my backpack over my shoulder and walk up to him. 

“Hey,” I say quietly.

"Your hair is back to red," He observes as if he was still expecting it to be purple.

“So you really came here?” I ask him, thankful that my large jacket covered me at this moment. 

“I had too,” He states. “Come on, let’s go to Tim Hortons and talk.”

“I asked to talk to you months ago and you ignored me,” I respond under my breath not wanting to get in the car just yet. 

“What do you mean?” Ken turned to look at me as he unlocked his car. “Come on, I’m not letting you walk home in this weather.” 

“It’s not even minus ten.” I give him a look, which he returns as he points to the passenger side of the car. “I sent you a message when I found out and you never replied. It said you read it though.” 

“Do you really think I would ignore a message from you?” Ken asked me, giving me a look before I sigh and slide into the car. Not wanting to admit it was warmer than outside. He starts the car and pulls out, I find it strange he still knows his way around this place. 

“I don’t know! But you did!” I exclaim to him. “All I knew was I had no other form of contact.”

“You could have asked Walter?” He turns to look at me before looking back at the road. 

“Yes, because that would have been extremely strange. Hey Walter I need to talk to Kenneth Ford to let him know he’s about to be a daddy.” I roll my eyes. “Mom and Dad still haven’t even told him. I haven’t told, or I think I haven’t I really don’t know.” 

“He overheard you say something,” Ken says a moment later. “We were well into our pints when he admitted what he thought he heard.” 

“Fair enough.” I sigh and then we sat in silence until he pulled into the Tim Hortons, pulling through the drive-through. He looked at me asking silently what I wanted. 

“Chai tea,” I tell him. I listen to him order his own tea and roll my eyes as he orders a cookie. He pays with a tap of his card and in another moment he pulled into an empty spot. He left the car running as he turned to look at me. 

It takes him a moment, a piece of a cookie which he offers and I shake my head at. A sip of his milky tea before he managed to piece together some form of words. 

“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I want to understand why didn’t you go to Halifax?” 

I knew this was coming. It was the first question out of people's mouths. I glare at him anyway, I know I’m being unfair but I didn’t care. 

“I thought about it, but I realized I couldn’t go through with it. Not knowing your convictions about such things, it seemed wrong. Mom offered to drive me when they first found out and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t just get rid of it and never tell you. Though Di said randomly finding out you were expecting a child would be worse. So really there was no right answer. I just couldn’t.” I explain awkwardly. 

I watch him nod his head as if he somewhat understands my reasoning.

“Look you can be involved as you much as you want to be. I know you’re most likely in shock, I’m still in shock.” I tell him quietly. 

“I’m not going to leave you to go through this alone,” He said after a moment. 

“But you don’t live here,” I remind him. 

“Then I’ll move here, I can look into the Charlottetown Museum for a job,” Ken said after another pause.

“I don’t want you to uproot your life because of me,” I whisper, my emotions getting the better of me at this moment. 

“Rilla this isn’t just your fault, I am at fault for this as well. We don’t have to figure everything out right away. I will have to go back to Toronto and grab more than a duffle bag, among other things,” he tells me. 

I watched him for a moment. He was so calm about everything I wondered if he was mentally freaking out. Surely you don’t find out you’re about to be a father and be this calm? How did he not question her on paternity? Then again he did have a sixteen hours drive to think about such things. 

“Why haven’t you asked me if I was sure it was yours?” I asked him quietly. 

“Because I know you’re not that type of girl,” Ken responded so simply I was shocked. 

“But how do you know that?” I asked him. 

“Because you were all too surprised to wake up next to me, and while you mentioned I wasn’t your first that morning. It was oddly defensive as if you were trying to make the situation better than it was. Also, Walter talks about you a fair bit, I know you only just got home from your summer dance not long before the party. It just made sense to me that it was mine. Ever since Walter randomly blurted out in a bar that he thought you were pregnant. I wondered to the point I may have actually borrowed Walters phone to get your number that night. Unless I called some other random person while drunk." He admits.

"You didn't leave a message," I say quietly.

"My drunk self talked myself out of it believing it and I got distracted. It wasn't until mom confirmed you were actually pregnant and how you refused to say who the father was. How your mom told her it happened up near the lighthouse of all places. I just knew and then I wondered why you hadn’t tried to contact me.” Ken said quietly. “Yet you say that you did,” He adds one with a sigh. 

“I did,” I nod my head. 

“So, anything else I should know about?” He asks cautiously. 

“My parents think I am a failure. I’m the town slut, the twins try to be nice by texting me every day, but really it's just annoying. Shirley is mostly annoying about it.” 

“I meant about well, the baby,” He said shaking his head at my ramblings.

“Well, Olivia told me it’s the size of an artichoke? The doctor says things are looking good. Olivia is my friend, she likes to track things for me since I don’t.” I say not knowing what to really tell him. “I have some photo’s at home, I think I have one on my phone.” 

“Actually, I should probably get your number, properly." He says as he grabs his old beat-up iPhone and unlocks it and passes it to me. I add my contact information and my name and hit save, at the same time I send myself a text. 

“Do you ever use Facebook?” I asked him not to see the app on his home screen.

“Not really, I think the last time I actively signed in was maybe two years?” He spoke while driving. “Why?”

“I looked you up, Persis liked some photos from Canada day. It made me curious about the whole night. How we didn’t realize, recognize each other. But if you don’t do Facebook or much social media I suppose that makes some sense. I mean Facebook is really more for Joy and Jem and Persis.” I tell him. “I barely use Facebook, I just have it for the sake of having it.”

“I have the messenger app to keep in touch with people, but thats mainly it,” Ken said after a moment. 

“I messaged you, on there,” I say quietly. 

He sighs and fiddles with it for a moment, opening up messenger and scrolled through. “Nothing is there, I even tried the whole hidden or request folder. Actually, I tried to find you on messenger but I couldn’t find you, which is why I went the Instagram route. One social media I had installed.” 

“I think my Facebook is still technically under Marnie Blythe,” I say with a blush. 

“Where does that even come from?” He asked remembering the name I went by. 

“Marilla Nadine,” I tell him. “Its a mash of my names, I thought it sounded cooler than Rilla last year?” Ken nods as if he makes little sense to him but sees some logic in it. 

“I should get you home,” he says looking at the clock on the dashboard. “Are you okay?” Ken asks me out of concern when I groan home was the last place I wanted to go to.

“If I tell you, home is the last place I want to be would it make a difference?” I sigh. He sat there in silence telling me he couldn’t. 

“Just drive to the house,” I sigh as I sip my tea with both of my hands. Ken pulls out of the parking lot and I look out the window not knowing what to say or do. 

“Do you want me to come in?” Ken asked as he pulled into my driveway. 

“Do you want to enter world war three your first day?” I gave him a look while looking at the number of cars around us. 

“I have to face them at some point,” he points out to me. “I rather go in now than have them hunt me down.”

“It’s your funeral.” I shrug and undo my seat belt and slide out of the car wrapping my scarf around me as I make my way up the stairs. Ken trailing behind me, waiting as I paused outside the front door. Allowing us a moment to collect ourselves before I opened it and we quietly took off our shoes

The first person who came around the corner was Walter and by the look on his face. Mom and Dad had told him, his jaw was set in determination, which was so unlike him. Walter was handsome, tall, slender. Wore vests and tweed whenever he had a chance too. His black hair was often carefully styled, while he always enjoyed a touch of eyeliner around his grey eyes, he was cosmetic free today. Depending on the month, sometimes he sported dark stubble or was cleanly shaven. 

“You fucking asshole!” He shouted, and before Ken could react he found himself being knocked against the wall. Walter holding his first that was red from the blow he just used against Ken. Ken grimaced as he gingerly rubbed the side of his face that had Walter had miraculously made contact with. 

“Walter!” I scream at him. 

“Walter!” My mother comes running. “Violence will not fix things.” She scolds him before looking towards Ken and myself. “Dining room both of you.” She instructs us. It's always the dining room, the room of punishment in this house. I see Ken for the first time looking me over as I took off my winter jacket. Oddly confused since my uniform hid my small bump fairly well. He probably thought I would be rounder possibly?

“Can I change first?” I asked motioning to my skirt and tights.

“Fine, but hurry up,” she said waving me off. Ken stands there, awkwardly standing as my dad's hands him and Walter an ice pack. Quiet as he is when he silently fuming, only made you more nervous. 

I hurry up and change rushing back downstairs. Walter is still scowling and Shirley now joined the group. Dad holding him back as he struggles while spattering threats as dad looks like he’s trying to prevent a mutiny. Which I’m sure he would be gladly apart of as Ken sits there on the couch awkwardly.

“I get it, you want to protect your sister, but for god sake violence never fixes anything!” My dad warns his two sons. 

“Walter got to hit him!” Shirley growled. 

“For god's sake Shirley it was an accident!” I shout. “You want to blame someone, blame me for drinking enough that I couldn’t even recognize him!” Shirley struggles for another moment. I was rather thankful that Jem wasn't here. 

Ken looks up at me as I stand in front of Shirley. His eyes sweeping over me and going wide as he hits the small swell of my stomach that my tee shirt and leggings didn’t hide. 

It hits him right there and then as he leans into his hands, elbow on his knees as he tries not to freak out. He looks like he’s ready to have some sort of panic attack like it all suddenly became real to him. That this wasn’t some dream he was going to wake up from. 

Dad's hands let Shirley go, who I block before he can try anything else. 

“Just breathe through it,” Dad tells him. “Seeing it is a far different, just imagining it,” he said as if he was recalling his memories. He looks at me standing there awkwardly and motions for me to sit down. Apparently, this was a living room conversation, and not a dining room one? 

It takes Ken a minute to collect himself, his hand running through his hair. My parents seem to have softened they didn’t expect such a reaction. Still, my mom is pacing back and forth wanting to get the full story of what happened that landed us in this situation. 

“If we ask a question we want an answer.” She tells us in her principal voice.

“A truthful answer,” Dad told us sternly, with little expression on his face. 

“Of course,” Ken nodded. 

“Well, how about we start with how the hell did this happen?” My dad starts off. 

“I told you I was sleeping over of Ellie's, but really we all snuck out to the lighthouse. I was already drunk when we arrived and we were dancing. Suddenly he was there, I don’t remember much according to Ken I spent the night calling him Ben. We danced, we kissed, we found our way to his tent.” I said blushing.

“You didn’t once recognize each other at all?” Dad looks at us. “Not once?”

“No! When’s the last time we saw each other?” I find myself exclaimed. “Three-four years ago? He thought my name was Marnie, and Marnie had purple hair that month.” I try to explain as I play with my hair. 

“I didn’t realize who Rilla was until I woke up the next morning. I’m not proud of the moment, or the fact. I was so out of it that I assumed she was at least eighteen. She didn’t talk about school, and the party was full of college kids in University of Charlottetown swag. I tried to make things right, make sure she got home safe. Hell, I tried to make sure that I had at least used protection.” I hear Ken explain quietly every so often running his hand through his hair. 

“So the morning I came home from my run,” I watch my father spoke carefully. I merely nod at his assumption that the tension in the kitchen that morning was from exactly what he thought it was. 

“And what are your plans upon this revelation?” My father asks him. 

“There is a lot of figure out sir, but if you think for one moment I will leave Rilla to do this alone. You are wrong. I’ll be whatever she needs me to be, or there when she needs me. There are obstacles and the age difference of course will raise some eyebrows. But nothing untoward has ever happened on purpose. Ultimately this isn’t about us, and the baby is it not?”

“How can I trust you?” Gilbert raised an eyebrow. “How do I know you won’t run for the hills the moment things turn rough? Fatherhood isn’t easy, and I was younger than you when I had Joy.” 

“Because frankly speaking sir, I am scared, but I am here, aren’t I? I think my parents raised me better than running away when something unexpected happens?” Ken told him honestly before looking at me. “My father fought tooth and nail for everything when it came to older sister Thea, but he never once let her believe that he didn’t want her around. Even when her mother was trying to tell her otherwise. I refuse to let my child think I didn’t care. Rilla and I will work it out, we will figure out how to do this and be good parents.” 

We all sat in silence, the clock on the wall ticking around. My stomach rumbling causing my mother to look at me and then Ken. “Where are you staying?” 

“I was going to crash at my cousin's place, ” Ken told them. "I called them along the way."

“Well, I can’t send you back out tonight without dinner,” My mother told him which left my mouth hanging. Even my father was shocked “Has Rilla told you that she has her midterm scan coming up? You can freshen up as well if you want before dinner.” 

Ken turns and looks at me I just shrug. “I was going too, I just wanted to give you a bit of time before springing on appointments and everything else on you,” I tell him quietly. “Come upstairs I have some photos and things and find you a towel,” I tell him and I can see Dad's eyes bulge a bit as I motion for Ken to follow along.

"I'll just go get my bag," Ken said standing up. I nod my head and wait for him to run outside. When he comes back I bring him upstairs, passing the large number of family photos he glances at. Joys weddings and how in one random one there was us dancing when I was thirteen to some silly song. To think four and half years later we would be here?

“I’ll get you some clean towels,” I tell him as I opened the linen closet and found two guest towels. 

“Bathroom is in the same spot.”

I watched Ken nod, depositing his bag near the side of the bed of the spare room he could change in. We both stood awkwardly in our spot. I go to my room and hand him the spare photos I had and he looks at them with wide-eyed amazement or terror it was hard to tell. 

“Is there anything else I should know about?” He asked. 

I shrug. “Unless you have more questions?” 

“Your eighteen weeks, but the party was technically sixteen?” He asks me quietly trying to piece it together. “Google said that things are calculated differently.” 

“Technically sixteen, but they count it as eighteen weeks,” I tell him. “They go from my last period, and not the day of the party,” I say as we sit next to each other on the bed. 

“That makes sense I suppose,” he said awkwardly. “If I knew something had happened,” he started. 

“You would have said something, I know,” I finish for him. “It, not just your fault, I should have found some Plan B or something,” I tell him quietly as I rub my stomach.

“Can you feel it move yet?” He asked changing the subject. 

“Not really,” I tell him shaking my head. “Or I don’t think I can, it hard to know,” I ramble. “I’m sorry you had to find out as you did,” I tell him quietly. “I really didn’t want you to find out as such.” 

“Why didn’t you try reaching me again?” He asked curiously. 

I find myself shrugging. “Every time I tried it felt like a slap in the face that you never replied the first time. I stared at it daily, I crept you on Facebook.” I tell him. “I’m sorry if this causes problems with your relationship,” I say very quietly. 

“I don’t have a girlfriend?” Ken says with an eyebrow raised.

“What about Maggie?” I ask him. 

“Maggies a friend,” He settles with before sighing. “It's just casual,” He tells me honestly. 

I quietly nod my head. “It's not any of my business anyway, and I should let you shower,” I say standing up. 

“We parted ways at the beginning of the summer.” He told me, trying to tell me that whatever happened that night between us wasn’t an issue with them. I look back at him as I reach the door frame. 

“It wouldn’t matter anyway,” I tell him with a sad smile getting up. “You can keep that,” I tell him. 

Ken nods and watches me leave the room so he could shower and freshen up from the drive. 

“So,” Walter said from the doorway of my room when I opened my door to him. “So you and Ken?” 

“It’s not all his fault,” I try to explain. “It’s mine as well, so if you're going to be mad at him, you have to be mad at me as well.” 

“No, I can be mad at whoever I wish,” Walter said with a shake of his head. “He should have known better, it’s the cardinal rule of parties. Always year check the chick or in my case guy.” 

“Either way it happens, and we can’t take it back,” I tell him as we both sit down on my bed. 

“So it seems.” Walter agreed with a frown. “Do you know what it is yet?” He asked me. 

“Not yet, soon though,” I tell him not really sure myself. I don’t know much about anything that my body is going through. I just know that my doctor scolds me every time about the lack of weight I have gained so far. 

“I don’t think I’ll forgive him,” Walter tells me. 

“Don’t punish him,” I ask him quietly. “Would you be this angry if it was Nan or Di?” 

“This more about your age, you’re my little sister and sometimes there are things you don’t do when it comes to sisters,” Walter tells me. “Or sibling in general,” he adds in all seriousness.

“We were drunk, high Walter. I didn’t even recognize him, how was he supposed to realize it was me? I’ve seen his Facebook page, it hasn’t been used for like two years. He doesn’t even have the app on his phone,” I try to defend Ken for some odd reason. “I’m not a total idiot, I know he was seeing someone or something while on the trip,” I say quietly. “You can’t be angry at him for that either, there is no Us. We’re just two people having a baby together in fucked up circumstances.” 

“I wouldn’t call Maggie his girlfriend,” Walter said under his breath and I catch a small trace of jealousy in his voice. We both wait as the shower still runs down the hall with the fan running. 

“You liked him at one point?” I say piecing it together. “But he obviously was not interested.” 

“It was a long time ago, trust me I have gotten over it,” Walter said quietly after a moment. “I suppose I thought I couldn’t have him, that no one in this family would?” 

“I don’t have him, we’ll be friends nothing more,” I shake my head. 

Walter laughs almost bitterly. “I somehow doubt that. That baby will join you together forever. Given how this came about, there’s an obvious attraction on both sides whether you both try to deny it or not. Being drunk doesn’t mean that attraction didn’t exist, it did. It just means you just need to grow up a bit.”

I don’t like what Walter implies as I shift uncomfortably on my bed. 

“We don’t even know each other,” I remind him. “Not really, sure he knows me through you, and I from old childhood memories, but that is it, Walt. We’ll be friends for the sake of this baby and nothing more.” I shake my head.

* * *

Two siblings down....three to go!

The next few chapters are very much getting to know each other, making plans and Ken's parents arrive as well! The message thing still has its story arc, but that will come at a later chapter, Ken will figure it out don't worry! 

Let me know what you think so far! I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever you celebrate! 

Tina!


	11. The art of learning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluttering Fresnels Playlist in order of chapters. I am constantly writing and listening to music that inspires chapters and stories. If anyone is curious about what songs go with this story. Here they are, I don't have Spotify, but I do have Apple music that I can publish a playlist there as well! 
> 
> I will be adding to the list as chapters are added. 
> 
> Cruel Summer-Taylor Swift  
> Night Changes-One Direction  
> Love Me Like You Do-Ellie Goulding  
> When It All Falls Apart- The Veronicas  
> Shoulda Been Simple-Marie Digby  
> Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince-Taylor Swift  
> Style-Taylor Swift.

Ken is suddenly present, all to present as he spends what spare time I have between school, dance and work with me. He offered to pick me up after school and take me to dance. I was more surprised my parents agreed to such a suggestion. Dad barely said a word all dinner, and mom talked about everything but the elephant in the room. Ken and I just awkwardly looked at each other, as Walter and Shirley made thinly veiled threats towards Ken.

I could only imagine what the Twins, Jem and Joy would say when they heard the truth.

Ken is there when I finish school once more, waiting in his car. I can feel people watch us this time. I wasn’t sure who many people would know him, but clearly, he was out of high school and would spread like wildfire.

“Olivia this is Ken,” I say introducing my friend to Ken.

“Nice to meet you,” Olivia said with a smile.

“You as well,” Ken said. “Thank you for being there for Rilla.”

“Thank you for actually getting back to her.” Olivia makes a small jab at the situation.

“Probably deserved that, but really I don’t know what happened,” Ken said running his hand through his hair. Something he does when he’s nervous I can safely say by now.

“Well, I say figure out what day it was and check your camera roll for leads,” Olivia tells him. “My mom’s here, I’ll see you tomorrow Rilla,” She said hugging me quickly before skipping off.

“I’m sorry she’s,” I start. Olivia is Olivia at the end of the day. “Passionate?” I say as we get into the car

“She’s right though,” Ken said. “I should figure out what happened.”

“September 13th,” I tell him before I blush. “I found out on September 13th, It was a PA day at school. I hadn’t been feeling well, for quite a few weeks. It wasn’t I heard some girls complaining about her period during dance class when I realized that it had been a while. So I bought a pregnancy test before going home, I didn’t think. I didn’t think it would turn positive.” I say quietly. “I cried, got sick, and cried some more. You weren’t in the same country, you were with Walter of all people. I messaged you in the afternoon, then took a nap. I don’t know what time it was where you were. Probably the middle of the night, I was helping with dinner when I saw that you read and never responded.” I say it quietly as if the hurt from the rejection was still all too real. Probably because it was.

He sighs to himself, his head hitting the steering wheel. “You must have been terrified?” He finally asks. His grey eyes are electric as he turns to look at me.

Would our child have them?

“I didn’t tell anyone for another three weeks,” I tell him. “They found out a few days before Thanksgiving. I was in the car with Joy and a song came on and it just hit me. I cried and admitted the truth for the first time. She sat with me and talked to me, she forced me to tell mom and dad.” I tell him going over the details in my mind. “Everyone kept asking who you were, but I just couldn't. I didn’t want to say your name and have my dad call your dad, have Walter find out.”

“I feel like such an asshole,” he says with a sigh as he pulls out of the parking lot.

“You’re not, you drove sixteen hours the moment you heard not even knowing if it was yours or not. You could have called the house, you could just message me, but you came to me.”

“You mentioned your oldest sister?” I find myself asking.

“Thea?” Ken says looking at me for a split second before turning his gaze back to the road. “What about her?”

“Well, you said your dad to having to fight for her?”

“Thea’s mom wasn’t nice toward their relationship. Dad did nothing wrong but she just constantly tried to kick him out of Thea’s life. She moved to other provinces, refused to answer the telephone. The courts only ever awarded joint custody, visitation which she always tried to sabotage. Then of course as Dad moved up and got his coveted spot on the CBC and began to make a name for himself. She got worse. She tried to split up mom and dad by randomly showing up, or calling as if he has forgotten a weekend with Thea when they first started dating. To try and get mom to think he was a loser. Mom saw through it all though, she saw how much it hurt him, how much and tried. When she got older Thea was angry at him, even when she would visit us she was just so angry. It wasn’t until a special on child custody where he was interviewing fathers and advocating to have more parental rights as a father. Did she began to see a larger picture of what exactly happened during her childhood?” Ken explains. “Dad was my age when Thea was born. He most likely isn’t going to be relaxed about this.”

I nod my head quietly. “I would have plucked up the courage to tell you at some point now that you were home. I wasn’t going to just not tell you.” I tell him hoping that he understands. “I wouldn’t ever dream about keeping you from your child,” I tell him.

He doesn’t say anything as he drives the familiar road, neither of us is sure what else to say to each other.

“I’m surprised you're still dancing.” He settles with.

“I wouldn’t call it so much as dance these days,” I tell a touch sarcastically. “I’m mostly keeping in shape so I don’t lose everything that I’ve worked for the past four years.”

“Then what do you do?” He asks obviously confused.

“I stretch mostly, simple routines and choreography. Pointe is only allowed at the barre now,” I find myself explain.

“No crazy whip around?” He asks me with a smile on his face. I look at him puzzled, I know most people don’t know ballet terminology but crazy whip around? “Those spins you were doing, when we ran into each other in the basement you were in your bouncy skirt?”

“My tutu?” I say with raised eyebrows. “Fouettés, I was practicing my fouettés that day.”

“Fouettés, and tutus,” he repeats as if he is recording them to memory. “Do your dance mates know?” He asked after a pregnant pause.

“I haven’t officially said it, but given my restrictions, I’m sure they know in their own way,” I tell him. “I tend to wear cover-ups or large sweaters at the studio,” I explain. “Hide the ever-growing stomach.”

“You seem rather small?” He said it so carefully as if he didn't want to get it wrong.

“I have good core muscles,” I shrug as I dig through my bag for my contain of baby carrots. “Carrot?” I ask him.

He shakes his head. “I’m good thank you.” He tells me. “So what does the doctor say?” He asks.

“The last appointment was pretty simple. They just check my blood pressure, weight, ask how I am feeling, hear the heartbeat. Next week's appointment is just the ultrasound they do between 18-20 weeks. Which tells us how the baby is dealing developmentally, at least that is what I was told. Though we should be able to tell what it is.” I tell him. I leave out the part where I get scolded for my very slight weight gain to this point. “You’ll be able to watch and hear the heartbeat as well,” I tell him.

We make small talk for the rest of the drive into the city when we reach the dance studio he pulls into the parking lot. “There’s a waiting room,” I tell him as he also offered to drive me back an hour or so later. “I’m sure it’s not that interesting but it’s there or you can come back for 5:15,” I tell him.

“There’s a book store across the street I might check out.” He tells me and I nod my head.

“Have fun,” I tell him before getting out of the car.

Some of the girls corner me in the change room, seeing Ken drop me off sent them into a frenzy.

“Is he the father?” One asks me, which tells me they all know yet never had said anything.

“Yeah,” I say quietly as I pull on my leotard over my sports bra and tights.

“He’s totally hot,” a few of them giggle, no one has time for my questions as we rush to get to class.

Tessa claps her hands to bring us together at the barre, I clear my head letting dance take over, step by step. I see him in the corner of my eye, watching the class sometime later. My feet know the steps as my mind clouds over, lost in the music. I float, twirl, swish around, I may not be in pointe shoes these days, but I still feel the connection to the floor. I can feel tears burn behind my eyes from the scene I see in my head of the story I am dancing to. My muscles protest near the end as I struggle to find my breath, but yet the exhilaration I get from the dance makes me feel complete. I look up to see him watching me, a mix of guilt and amazement in his dark grey eyes.

This dream of mine, this need to get off this island by any means possible was slipping away with each day from me. I wither myself like a wilting flower, carefully curling myself up into a ball on the floor. My heart beating rapidly as I lay on the floor as the other girls dance around me, before also falling away like petals falling one by one around me.

Tessa comes over to me. “You might want to wave a hand to the boy of yours because it looks like he’s ready to run into here.” She tells. “Also improvised or modified safe falling is still not permitted.”

I sit up and wave over to Ken who had a look of panic across his face. I smile at him as I see him calm down.

When I finally meet him after dance he has a guilty look in his eyes once more.

“Do you mind if I run to the store? One of the girls needs to order some shoes which I know how to do?” I ask him.

“Of course,” he nods his head. “I’ll be in the car.”

I nod my head and Julia was looking him over before I pull her away towards the dance store. I quickly order the shoes as she tries to ask me about Ken which I give vague answers about until I lock up the store and head out of the car.

“You have a job?” He asks me when I get into the car.

“Yeah, few hours on Monday after dance I work at the shop. Tuesday 4-8 is just the shop. Wednesday I dance, Thursday is the shop. Friday, I dance and Saturday afternoon I help with attendance and shop and office work,” I explain. “Tessa is really generous with me. Some of the mothers are getting more and more opinionated since it’s been apparent that I’m pregnant, but she puts them in their place. But she lets me still take classes and encourages me not to give up. Next year though I’m sure it will be much different. Moms only allowing me to continue because classes were already paid for.”

Ken nodded, still looking like he stole my dream away from me.

* * *

He buys me lunch before my afternoon appointment I got out of school for. We have fallen into a familiarity with each other. Friends, I suppose we could be called. Still, there is enough of a difference that makes our ages ever so apparent to each other. He tries his best to give me space and remain what I jokingly call an honourable regency gentleman.

Joy finds us that afternoon. She knows Ken, she used to baby-sit Ken and Persis for extra money when she was twelve. She slaps him across the head not once but twice with a warning, mom must have told her.

“Seriously you couldn’t keep it in your pants?” She said so quietly that even I am afraid of her. “Do you know much trouble you caused, how many times she cried since? I wracked my brain trying to understand what she was so secretive, low and behold it's fucking Kenneth Ford! The kid I babysit, hell I even changed your diaper at one point.”

“Joy please,” I plead quietly. “This is the reason why I didn’t tell anyone. We didn’t mean for anything of this happen, but it happened.”

“You also have been avoiding me,” Joy turns to me and I shrink back in my seat, now that her wrath was focused on me. Ken looks at me and I give him a look of I’ll explain later look.

“What you said hurt,” I say quietly as I pick at my salad.

“I know and I have apologized fifty times but I was just trying to look out for you,” Joy says with a sigh. “What you doing here anyway, shouldn’t you be in school?” Joy asked checking her watch.

“We have my appointment this afternoon,” I tell her.

“Oh right, Mom mentions it was the big one,” Joy tells me which surprises me. Mom barely talks about my pregnancy with me, yet she talking to Joy about it?

Ken is still rubbing the side of his head as we talk. Watching us with interest as he picks at his French fries.

“Look, I am sorry,” Joy says to me. “I truly didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Let's just pretend it didn’t happen,” I say quietly, I didn’t want to talk about it.

“Sounds good,” she says, squeezing my shoulder. She turns back to Ken who automatically straightens, bracing himself for another slap. “I’m watching you,” she tells him in a similar stern voice she uses on the twins. “She cries, the boys will be the least of your worries.” She told him while leaning across the table before swiping a fry from his plate.

“Duly noted,” Ken said with a nod of his head.

“Good boy,” she pats his head for good measure before leaving.

“So three siblings left to deal with?” He sighs looking at me.

“I don’t think Nan will do much, Di might though,” I told him sympathetically. “Jem, well, killing you will offer no help to the situation so you’re off the hook there.”

“Persis yelled at me, partly in Japanese of all languages,” he admits with a sigh.

“Do you still understand it?” I ask, knowing he spent some time with his family there when I had been a child. Something journalist job his father had landed with the CBC as they made a documentary. I pick at my salad popping a cherry tomato into my mouth.

“Enough to pick out words,” he tells me. “So this is just a scan?”

“Yeah, I had my eighteenth-week appointment last Thursday. Technically yesterday was my nineteenth week.” I tell him. “This is just an ultrasound, and we should get a chance to know what the baby is.”

Ken nods his head. Still absorbing all the information of how his life changed overnight.

“Any guesses?” He asks me and I shake my head and shrug.

“Haven’t really allowed myself to be that excited,” I tell him honestly. “I suppose part of me hopes it’s a girl since it is less frightening in a way?”

* * *

I was already in the room when Ken knocked on the door, being led in by a friendly nurse. Looking guilty that he was running late. “Sorry, parking took forever,” he said.

“It’s fine,” I tell him.

“So as this is a twentieth-week ultrasound. I generally have you wait outside, and then we will invite you in when everything is finished. But Rilla asked if you can stay since it is your first time here. Right now we are just making sure that everything is forming correctly and measuring up to where it is supposed to be. Of course, this is also the appointment where we can generally tell the sex of the baby. Have you talked about it you want to know yet?”

I look at Ken, who nodded. “Rilla explained things, we both agree it would be easier to know now if we have the choice to.”

“Very well, let us do our work, then at the end of it, we will go through everything with you two. The screen is up on the wall if you wish to watch.” The doctor instructed him. I watched him fidget in his chair. It didn’t help that his parents were supposed to be flying in today.

“Well, let’s see what happening in there,” She smiled and adjusted the blanket that left my stomach bare. Ken stared at it, seeing the small bare bump for the first time.

“You know the drill, it will feel warm,” Doctor told me as she squirted the gel on my stomach.

I watched Ken as he watched the picture come to life, and with a click of the button. The steady fast rhythm of the heartbeat filled the room. I watched him, wondering, praying that he wouldn’t change his mind.

We watch the screen, occasionally the technician would smile or say something like thats a foot, an arm. Oh look they are waving at you. At one point I find myself watching Ken more than the baby. His face is full of trepidation one moment then he would see something that would make him smile.

“All right, you can now go to the bathroom,” The doctor told me as she wiped off the gel. “I know you must be uncomfortable.”

I nod my head and sat up and fixed my shirt. I look over at Ken who was still stunned. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Ken shook his head still in a daze, he stood up. “Do you need help?” I shook my head stood up slowly.

“Give him a moment, you’ve done this before,” the doctor laughed. “Bathroom is across the hall. The doctor will call you into the office when we’re done reviewing.”

I nod my head. I sit for a moment willing myself to finally go pee, a torturous yet glorious moment as I held it for so long. I wash my hands and fix my teeth shirt.

I make my way to the waiting room, as Ken sat looking around and sit down in the other chair next to him. It was quiet thankfully as we waited, it took almost an hour before we called back into an office.

My doctor looked up rather surprised when Ken followed in tow. “This is Ken, he’s the father,” I say quietly.

She nods her head. “Well, everything is looking good as far as I can tell,” she turned her computer screen. “This is the head, the spine and then the butt.” She pointed out. “Everything seems to be good size and length. These are the legs, and that is an arm, as you can see it is sucking its thumb already.” She smiled as she ran through the photos.

“So do we know?” I ask her.

“I can’t say I’m 100% positive, but I’m about 98% sure that you are having a little girl,” The doctor told me. “See no penis,” she laughs at the next photo. I can’t help but laugh with her.

“Nothing seems out of the ordinary, or overly concerning. However, I would like to weigh you while you are here,” She told me with a knowing look I wouldn’t like that. “She’s on the smaller side of measurements and it means two things. She dainty like yourself, or we have to reevaluate your nutritional plan sooner rather than later.”

I sigh, refusing to look at Ken who was taking the information in. Until now he didn’t know any better. I kick off my boots, and take off my sweater and step up onto the scale. Part of me wanting the doctor to be happy, while the other half was already planning on how to combat the extra calories.

“120,” She says. “Better, I still want another two or three pounds for your next appointment. You should be gaining a pound a week in your second trimester.” She tells me before turning to Ken.

“Daddy, I want you to fill these out for the next appointment if you can. It’s just general basic information, about family history and if we should look out for anything. You can ask your mother and father for help if needed.” She said passing a file fold to Ken who nods.

“Of course,” Ken said, still in a daze. We left the hospital, walking back to the car an envelope of pictures in my hand, his papers in his own. He opened the car door of his car for me and I slid into the car, he leaves the hospital parking lot with.

“A daughter,” Ken says still in a daze. He runs his fingers through his hair, tapping rhythmically against the steering wheel.

“Did you want a boy?”

“I didn’t know what I would have preferred,” Ken said letting his headrest on the steering wheel at a stop sign for a moment. “A daughter,” he repeats.

“Ken you don’t,” I start wanting to tell him that I would be fine on my own.

“Don’t finish that sentence. I may be temporarily losing my mind, but if you think I can just walk away after seeing her. Hearing all of that…you are mistaken.” He stammers as he struggles to keep relatively calm. It was strange seeing him struggle, so far it seemed like he had it together. Until today seeing the baby, hearing the heartbeat made him experience something I already went through. It blew your mind, it made you realize how real the baby was. How real everything was and how it was going to change. “I just need to process everything, and my parents are coming today, and I can just imagine how that is going to go with your parents.”

“I still don’t understand why they are coming?” I frown.

“Neither do I. I mean I get it, we messed up, but I’m twenty-two. I can figure things out for myself.” He sighed and I frown as he mentions his age.

“Can we not got back to my place just yet?” I ask him looking at the clock.

“Where do you want to go?” He asks looking at his phone. “My parents don’t get in until seven,” he says happy to oblige.

“Can we drive out to the coastline?” I ask him unsure if he would go or not.

“Sure,” he says as he quickly calculates which route to take. The sun is setting as we reach the coastline, the red dunes and cliffs fill our vision. I pull on my gloves and hat, meaning to breathe in the salty fresh air as I step out of the car. There is nowhere to sit, so we stand. Shivering slightly from the gust of wind that hits us, every other minute.

“I hoped one day, that I would get off this island,” I say quietly.

“Nothing is saying you can’t or won’t,” Ken replied a moment later, his voice laced with uncertainty.

I turn and look towards the old lighthouse, wrapping my arms around myself. “We’re having a daughter,” I say not knowing what to say. That lighthouse was filled with memories of both happy and bittersweet moments for both of us. Maybe one day I might tell her how she came to be, but for now, this place would rest in my dreams.

“So we are,” he says quietly beside him his hand shoved into the pockets of his jacket. We huddle back into the car as the sun sets on us. As the car warms up the radio plays. We just pulled away as the familiar sound of Taylor Swift coming through the speakers. He doesn’t move to change it as I quietly sing along to it.

_Fade into view, It's been a while since I have even heard from you_

_And I should just tell you to leave 'cause I Know exactly where it leads but I_

_Watch it go round and round each time_

“Thank you,” I tell him quietly.

“For what?” He looks at him before looking back to the road.

“For everything, I guess,” I respond. “For showing up? For not brushing it off as you could have. For being there with me today?”

“I’ll always be there for you,” he said with a smile. “I’ll always try to be that friend you can depend on, a father she can depend on,” he says. “I don’t think I could turn away after seeing what I saw today.”

I nod my head understanding.

_So it goes, he can't keep his wild eyes on the road. Takes me home, lights are off he's taking off his coat._

_I say "I've heard that you've been out and about with some other girl,’_

_He says "What you've heard is true but I_

_Can't stop thinking about you" and I_

_I said "I've been there too a few times"_

“I will most likely meet up with Maggie while I’m back in Toronto.” He tells me breaking the silence. “I owe her an explanation of what's happening and why I am moving. That whatever we had going on between us, the back and forth isn't going to work for me anymore."

“Sounds reasonable, but don’t stop yourself from dating because of me,” I tell him looking down at my hands.

“Dating will just complicate things. We need to figure out how this will work before anyone else comes into the picture.” He further explains his reasoning. Part of me wonders if he doesn’t want to make me potentially jealous of another woman being in our daughter's life.

Our daughter...

Knowing what she was, how Ken was here, it makes my mind run a mile a minute.

“Well, it’s not like anyone is going to want to date me right now. So that easy enough for me to do,” I remind him. “Actually I haven’t been with anyone since our night,” I tell him honestly and I watch him straighten his back, his fingers flexing on the wheel.

* * *

Thank you For all the lovely comments last week and the messages! It's officially Sunday here.....so I am allowed to post this haha! 

I hope I continue to do this story justice. Ken and Rilla are in this awkward, they know each other from years of hearing about each other, childhood memories, but really they are still very much strangers. 

Also, it's a girl! 

The lyrics on the Radio were Taylor Swifts Style! 

Hope everyone had a lovely New Years!

Tina. 


	12. The Past, Present and to the Future

Leslie and Owen Ford were already at my house when Ken pulled us into the driveway. We sat there for a moment not wanting to go in and face another set of parents. 

“What if I show them the photo’s, do you think it will soften their mood?” I ask trying to think of a way to break the ice. 

“Look, my dad, he’s going to be…well intense,” Ken tells me trying to prepare me. I almost think he's more afraid of his father's reaction than my family's.

“Because of Thea?” I ask him and he nods. “I want you to feel secure about your place in her life,” I tell him quietly. 

“I know, but he’s just going to throw out demands and we don’t have to listen to them,” Ken told me. “We can figure this out on our own?” I only nod my head before unbuckling my seatbelt. 

They were in the living having coffee when we came through the door. The four of them looked up at us. 

“Rilla darling,” Leslie said getting up to greet me. Hugging and kissing my cheek, “Let me look at you!” She asked stepping back, frowning at my large hoodie that covered everything that there was to see I had thrown on after the appointment. 

Leslie looked like I remembered her as, with long pale blonde hair that was hung down past her shoulders. She was in her 50’s still only looked to be much younger. She wasn’t tall and kept a relatively slim figure. Owen Ford was the opposite of his wife. Tall in his polo shirt and casual dress pants, with more salt than pepper running through his hair. He was still a striking man to look at with defined features, ones that intrigued me as a child. Ken, along with the vague memories I had a Thea coming on vacation to the island once or twice before looked like him a fair bit. While his older sister Persis looked much like Leslie her mother. 

I stood for a moment before I went over and sat down in one of the vacant love seats, pulling my feet up and under me as I sit. Ken sits down next to me and I pull myself more into a ball. 

“How was the appointment?” My father asks first. 

“Same as usual,” I tell him. Not wanting to tell them the news. “Everything thing looks good, on track,” I told him. 

“Do you have any pictures?” Leslie asked me trying to not appear too excited at the prospect of a grandchild, but you could tell that despite the circumstances she was. 

I nod my head and unball myself before reaching for my purse to dig out the envelope they gave me and passed them along. 

“What are your plans?” Owen speaks up looking at me. 

“What do you mean?” I ask him unsure of what he was asking me. 

“Dad, do we have to have an interrogation right off the bat? Do we need to figure everything out right now?” Ken said after me, almost growling his answer. 

“The fast things are set, the easier expectations are to manage. Talk is fine and dandy until emotions get in the way you find yourself in a situation you didn’t think would happen. A solid custody and visitation agreement will work both in your favour. You can rest easy about not having to worry, and Rilla can know she can rely on you. Of course, there are other factors, child support and where everyone will live.” 

“All we know is that we’ll do our best that we can for her,” I speak up quietly “I think that is the best we can do isn’t it?” 

“Which is perfectly acceptable right now,” Leslie says to me while giving her husband a look. Telling him to cool it, and not get ahead of the situation.

“Did you say her?” My mother speaks up. 

“Uhh, yeah,” I shrugged. “Apparently it’s a girl,” I say simply as if it doesn’t affect how I feel about it. I watch my mom take one of the photos that Leslie hands her. 

Why is it whenever talking to other people, she almost appears at ease? Possibly even eager to meet her grandchild, yet when it comes to actually talk to me about the baby it like she has her walls up?

“I got to hear the heartbeat,” Ken chipped in with a big smile. “I don’t think I will ever forget that sound.” 

“Well, if you make up an Amazon, or BabiesRUs registry send it along,” Leslie told me. “With the date of your baby shower.” 

“Aunt Marilla is apparently planning one, but I don’t know much about it, really I don’t look forward to it. I don’t want to spend an afternoon that will just be full of thinly veiled pity by the way of gifts when I know I let everyone down.” I say rather quietly with bitterness running through my voice. 

“Rilla!” My mother chides me, even though I know she feels the same way. “No one feels that way, yes this was all a shock and your father and I didn’t have the best reactions but we are trying our best. Also, you don’t necessarily allow us many graces for us to try and make things right.” She tells me. 

“I don’t even know why there needs to be a discussion. Ken and I will figure things out for ourselves, but right now it’s all too fresh and fucked up to figure out anything. We obviously didn’t mean for this to happen. If we realized just who we were to each other I am sure that he would drop me like a hot potato and probably called someone to pick me up. However, that didn’t happen obviously. Since here we are and before you go off thinking Ken robbed the cradle, he didn’t. Some dickhead I dated last spring did that.” I tell them, mostly looking at Ken's parents. “I’m sorry he had to find out as he did, but really I did try to tell him earlier.” 

“Okay, okay let’s just all calm down,” my father steps in. “Rilla is right, while we are all concerned. We can’t make choices for them, they must learn to figure out how to co-parents for themselves. It’s not like we are expecting them to get married this isn’t 1917, today isn’t even thirty-two years ago.” He says looking at mom. 

Mom and dad got married because of Joy, it had been the thing to do back then after all. It was an afternoon affair at the courthouse when mom turned eighteen, six months pregnant with Joy. They didn’t have a proper wedding until Mom told him she was pregnant with Jem. She just finished her first year of teaching, they had thrown a backyard wedding. Joy being the flower girl and gracing all the photos that they had hanging up on the wall.

“However I do agree that a custody agreement will be needed for practicality's sake. But we have twenty-some weeks to discuss and figure out a schedule that is fair but works best for the baby. Of course, Rilla will reside here until she is eighteen, and remain in school so she can graduate.” 

I could tell Owen didn’t like that answer but nodded reluctantly. I found it so strange the one person who seemed to be on my side was my father. It was backwards, how our parents reacted to the news. Leslie was excited, while my mother struggled. Dad was somewhat on my side when it came to decisions, where Owen wanted everything hammered out right away. 

“I need to lie down,” I say out loud the pressure of today becoming all too much. Ken looks between me and his parents. Wanting to escape with me, but at the same time, he had no way to escape. I sigh and motion to him to follow me, which he does with a grateful look on his face. 

We leave my door open as he sits in my desk chair and I lay across my bed. We can hear our parents discuss the situation, all the what-ifs and situations that needed to be dealt with. Parts of us are relieved that they both agreed that the whole ‘do the right thing’ was archaic. Still, it felt very much like being in a flashback episode of Gilmore girls as they talked it out. 

“Are you all right?” He asked as I rubbed my stomach. 

“I’m fine, just stretching skin, muscles, organs being displaced,” I tell him. I watch him raise his eyebrows as he looks at the pinned ultrasound photos on my corkboard above my small desk. He takes one of the ones he in hand somehow from downstairs and pins it up on my collage. 

“So do you read?” He asked trying to make conversation. 

“Do I look like I read?” I asked giving him a look, motioning to the lack of books I had in my room but had a teasing smile on my face. 

He laughs softly and shook his head. “Walter always said that you hated English class.” 

“Because the books they make us read are boring. I have read The Lord of the Rings though, which he approves of, of course. Then there is the famous Harry Potter, the Hunger Games, but nothing he calls real substance.” I explain. “I think my favourite was always the secret garden as a child,” I tell him. 

“I read most of the Lemony Snicket books,” he replies. " I liked the Percy Jackson books they have a good grasp on Greek Mythology.” He says. “Most of what I read are history books now.” 

“I would have never guessed,” I said. “You were a history major with Walter.”

“Fair enough,” He says. 

“I never noticed before,” I say out loud, my voice oddly small. 

“Never noticed what before?” He looks over to me confused. 

“Your parents,” I say quietly. “Your dad he’s older than your mom?” 

I watch him laugh under his breath and run his hand through his hair. 

“Yeah, I guess I sometimes forget about that. I don’t notice it as much as other people do these days,” Ken says as he looks at the other photos on my walls. Joy and I out at the beach, dance photos, pictures of Walter and I dress up as Rocky Horror characters. Old selfies and Christmas photos, a life I had before all of this mess. A life he never saw me have, where I was smiling happily at cameras, where my eyes sparkled. 

“Dad is eleven years older than mom, when they met she was teaching her first year. She was friends with your mother, actually, it’s how they all knew each other. “Ken started the story. “Dad was already working for the CBC and was doing some show on something or another. I was told once that she came onto set introducing herself as a media studies teacher and she really wanted to give her students a chance to see a film set. Dad told me once that he was thirty-four when suddenly this freshly graduated teacher was up in his personal space and it intrigued him. He brought her over to set management and they managed to work out a day the students could come and see things in action.” Ken stopped for a moment with a shake of his head. 

“A few days later she found him eating dinner alone in a restaurant down at the harbour. She thanked him for being nice to the kids. He invited her to sit with him and eat her dinner she was getting as take out. Apparently, it caused an uproar here, she had been in a relationship previously. Her fiancé died in a motorcycle accident barely a year before. She doesn’t talk about it much, but I get the sense he wasn’t the best guy out there but the two families were still up in arms when she and dad spent time together as he filmed.”

“It seems like it was very much a whirlwind romance?” I say thinking over my words carefully. 

“They did long distance and she finished out her school year contract, she had just turned twenty-three when she met him in 1990. She learned about Thea right off the bat and she just didn’t think much about it. She moved out to Toronto to be with him when she twenty-four years old, and they just decided that Christmas to get married. She applied for teaching jobs and media jobs. She didn’t tell the CBC who she was when she applied but with a degree in mixed media, they hired her. They had kept their relationship under wraps for the most part. Of course, when mom got pregnant with Persis and things came out about their relationship. Dad was uncertain about his job for a while, but they were already married when she started working there and she didn’t work with him of course.” Ken went on further. “I suppose the older I got the more I questioned the story, but it was the early 90’s and while there was some talk. It was never a huge thing.” 

“But you said you remember Thea being angry?” I asked trying to piece together his family's story. Thea would be almost 40 if he is in his 60s? 

“Dad originally kept moms age rather quiet around Thea, the few times they met it was never spoken about. The last thing he wanted was her mother to find out and of course, she did anyway. Thea suddenly thought it was gross that her stepmother was only twelve years older than her. Persis arriving didn’t help much either. She was angry and jealous for a while, thinking Dad replaced her with Persis. Ken stopped for a moment looking over at me. “Eventually she realized that mom only wanted to be her friend, and Persis and I were just cool little people and that Dad loved us all the same. Things got better over the years, she and Dad still have issues here and there but she tries.” 

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you lived here for a while? I swear I remember you living here” I say more confused than before. 

“We spent summers with Mom’s family, we did spend a few years out here as a family. Dad took a sabbatical for health reasons at one point and we moved out here. It’s how Walter and I really got to be friends.” He said ended it in a rather sad tone. 

I only nod my head to him as I pick at my blanket, still feeling guilty that this whole situation ruined their relationship.

“Saying all that and putting everything to side about our night. Just because it worked out for my parents,” Ken stated.

I shake my head, looking at him with wide eyes. “You don’t have to explain, The 90s were a different time and circumstances are different. I’m under no illusion, it would make things weirder than they are. I didn't ask about your parents because I thought,” I tell him hurriedly.

“So friends for now?” Ken said with a smile that flips my stomach. I smile wryly and nod my head. A part of me knowing that this was just a foolish thought to be just friends as Walter's words still run through my head. It also didn't help that his smile already sent me into a pile a mush. “Good,” he says with a nod of his head. Pleased that we agreed that anything else would be foolish right now. 

* * *

The Fords stayed for a few days to help Ken who had managed to set up an apartment viewing from himself. He was leaving soon to go back, he was debating on leaving his car and flying back or just do the drive twice over. At the end of the day he needed more than a duffle bag, he needed things for his apartment. It was still awkward between us but things were settling down. He spent most of his time with me when I wasn’t working or at school.

We were in some awkward stage of knowing each other, but not truly knowing each other. Family acquaintances where we heard anecdotes of each other all our lives through our mothers and brothers. Still, we knew very little about each other, sometimes I look over at him as we watch tv, wanting to escape to my room. Wanting to be alone, how does one tell another person that they need some personal space? 

Today for a change he wasn’t there when I finished school which prompted Olivia’s mom to give me a lift home. The house was oddly quiet. Walter had done back to Halifax, though he would be back for Christmas. So it was just Shirley and me left in the house and since the school was still until next week. Of course, as soon as the Twins came home it is busier. 

I drop my school bag in the kitchen and hear the tv in the basement. I change out of my uniform and lay on my bed for a moment checking my phone. I lay there in the quiet, my hand rubbing over my bump methodically. It still feels strange, it might always feel strange though I could never tell if it was the baby moving around or if it was just gas or food digesting. 

“How was school today?” Mom asks as she sees me while she was holding a basket of laundry. 

“It was fine,” I reply and it was. At least some of the talk had died down. “I had a test in history, I think I did all right,” I tell her looking up at my ceiling. 

“Thats good to hear,” She smiles at me. “I thought you were working tonight?” 

I shook my head. “Tessa decided to close shop earlier this morning because dance is on break,” I tell her. “I still work Wednesday and Saturday though.” 

Mom nods her head. “How have you been feeling?” She asks cautiously. 

“All right I suppose,” I tell her honestly. She was about to leave when I decided to speak up. “What it is like when you first feel it move?” I ask her bravely. 

“Well, I think the easiest explanation I was given when I was having Joy that it was like a fluttering butterfly. Like something dancing across you but inside you.” Mom answers with an odd look on her face. “Why? Do you think?” 

“Probably just gas,” I say shaking my head, she almost looks let down. “Joy wanted to know if we wanted to come shopping with her this weekend?” Mom says. “I thought we could start looking around for some ideas, possibly get you some clothing? We can go out on Sunday, maybe catch a movie at the same time?” 

I look at her in surprise. “That would be nice,” I say quietly. Mom nods her head with a small smile and continues putting away laundry.

I lay there for another few minutes before I decide to get up and go see what Shirley and Wynnie were up to. I find them curled up on the couch, watching some show set in medieval something or another. I sit down quietly on the next couch. Wynnie’s dark brown hair was pushed back with the same glittery cat ears I had seen Shirley wear previously and she wearing a pair of overalls and what appeared to be a comic books shirt underneath it. 

“I don’t understand any of this,” I say shaking my head after twenty minutes.

“It’s pirates,” Shirley looked at me. “What’s there to understand? You like Pirates of the Caribbean. Black Sails is just grittier,” Shirley explained looking at his girlfriend. 

“We can watch something else?” Wynnie tells me. “We’ve already seen this after all,” she looks to Shirley wanting him to know she didn't care if he changed it.. 

I shake my head. “It’s fine, I’ll manage, I don’t think I’ve to watch anything in a particular order in a long while. So make no difference to me.” I say to her. I remember Shirley said that she thought I didn’t like her and didn’t want her to think that. I readjust myself on the couch, grimacing and sighing when I finally got comfortable.

“Are you all right?” Shirley asks me concerned. 

“I’m fine, really I am.” I give him small smile. 

“No Ken today?” He asks me. 

“He was spending the day with his parents before they leave and I think he was viewing an apartment today as well,” I tell my brother. I don’t tell Shirley how it rather nice to be on my own today. Not that I was ever truly alone, but it felt nice just to be away from him even for a few hours. “Plus I thought you wanted to hurt him?” 

“He seems rather remorseful about it,” Shirley shrugged. “Though who knows maybe I’m just waiting for him to have his guard down.” 

I watch Wynnie shake her head. “I’ll make sure he behaves himself.” 

“What do you see in my brother?” I blurt out before blushing. 

Wynnie laughs, and it is a pretty laugh. “He’s sweet and we just have a lot in common.” She replies looking up at him. I feel my phone buzz and I look down at it. 

‘Mom wants to know if you want to come out for dinner with us?’

I sigh and put my phone down. 

Shirley raises an eyebrow at me. 

“The Fords want to have dinner with me tonight,” I explain. 

“Are you going to go?” Shirley asks. 

“I don’t know, I suppose I should, they are just trying to be nice.” I sigh. “I guess I’ll go ask if it’s all right with Mom.” I curl myself and stand up, stretching as I did. “Have to pee anyway, so was going to get up anyway.” 

* * *

I find myself sitting in a restaurant that I didn’t even know existed. I always felt horribly underdressed in my leggings and the one dress that I still manage to fit into right now. Picking at the bits of what was my salad as they all talk around me.

“I heard you were out in Winnipeg this summer,” Leslie says to me as dessert was being served. 

“I was at a summer intensive,” I nod my head speaking quickly. “I got into the National one as well, but the dates for Winnipeg worked better.” 

“Your mother always spoke so highly of your dancing,” Leslie said smiling.

“What do you plan to do when you graduate?” Owen speaks to me and I look over to Ken who just smiles at me. 

“I wanted to be a dancer,” I tell him nibbling on the piece of cake that appeared in front of me. “So I’m not exactly sure yet. I’m a solid 70’s student, and I don’t like science. I don’t even really like reading. I suppose I’m okay at drama and music but thats not much for a career one day.”

“Even most dancers have a fall back career,” Owen tells me. “I’ve interviewed the national ballet quite a few times over the years, from faculty to dancers. They are exceptional talent beyond dance itself.” 

“Well, when I figure it out, I’m sure my parents will be ecstatic,” I say setting down my fork. “Excuse me, the ladies' room is calling me,” I say standing up. 

“Of course, even I remember how it was,” Leslie smiles at me. My stomach was in rambles as I made my way to the back of the restaurant. Everything hit my senses as soon as I enter the place, whatever they were cooking. Whatever sort of air freshener they used made my head pound and the smell of fish made my stomach flick. 

I find myself losing my dinner, sitting on the floor of the stall. I know I’ve been gone too long as I flush the toilet, wash my hands and rinse out my mouth. Please let this night be over soon? 

Ken seems to understand as I come back to the table.

"I should get Rilla back home, it's getting late and I know she said had a few things to do," He says to his parents. A part of me thankful he didn't say homework while out in public.

"Of course," Leslie says standing up and pulling me into a hug. "Please keep in touch, I'm always around."

I nod my head and turn to Ken's father. "If you need anything just let us know," He settles with for a goodbye.

I nod my head and let Ken lead me out of the restaurant where I breathe in the cold air by taking in deep breathes.

"Are you all right?" He asks as he opens the door for me.

"Too much perfume and too much fish smell," I said with a frown.

“So I got the call today that I got the two-bedroom,” he said awkwardly as he opened the car door for me. “I know she’ll be with you most of the time, but once she’s old enough,” he stumbled over his words. 

“I get it,” I say quietly as I slide into the car. “We’ll figure things out?” I tell him. “Though really I am clueless as you are in this.” 

“At least we’re not alone then?” Ken says back to me as turns a corner. 

“What do you at museums?” I ask him. “What sort of jobs can you do?” I clarify.

“The Charlottetown Museum is a bunch in one. If I can land it I will be speaking about the history of the Island, helping archive donations or setting up exhibits that come and go.” He explains. 

I nod my head. “Are they hard to get into?” I asked curiously. I had never even applied for a job. I just worked at the dance shop out of pure luck. 

“It depends, the fact there is an opening is a chance enough. I know my history, and while archaeology was more of my passion. I am a history major so it all works together.” He says. “If it doesn’t, then I find something else maybe go back to school and become a history teacher."

I wiggle in my seat, trying to get comfortable, my nose was running as I reached for a napkin in the glove department. It happened so randomly, I sit up straight with a stunned look on my face. 

“What's wrong?” Ken asked, watching me in the corner of his eye. 

“I think she moved?” I say, I wait for a quiet moment before I poke the area where I had felt the sensation. I feel it once more, a strange fluttering across my stomach and for the first in a long time I let myself smile, truly smile. “Give me your hand,” I tell him.

“Let me pull over,” he says and does it the first chance he can, I take his hand and I place it over the spot. “Can you feel anything?” 

It takes him a moment to shake his head. “I think it still too early for that.” He says clearing his thought. A brief look of disappointment in his eyes.

We sit for a moment with the hazard lights on, the moon high up in the sky. Tomorrow he would be driving back home and I would be here.

“I’ll back few days after Christmas most likely, before New Years' if it all goes to plan. I should be able to get the keys to move in when I come back. It’s in one of those apartment buildings over on Main St. Close by the bridge. That way I can get to wherever I end up working rather easily.”

“Those are nice places,” I say knowing them as I pass them almost every day when I went to work or dance.”

“Dad’s helping so I can pay the rental deposit and rent until I can find a job. I still have a bit saved that the trip didn’t use up. I think it will be fine, I have some experience in various museums so I think I have a good chance?” He was so sure of himself that I believed him. “Persis and her boyfriend Yosuke will be home and might drive out here with me. She wants to see everyone and wants to show her boyfriend the Island. Apparently, our famous novel is really popular out in Japan and wants to see it, his mother wants photos of the island if he can, despite it being winter.”

I nod my head following along. Seeing Persis would be nice, she had always been nice.

“I’ll call and text you,” he says as he pulls the car back onto the road. “I’m not going to disappear on you, this time around, I promise you that.”

I look up at him, trying to commit his face to memory in a way at this moment. In the end, his reassurance does calm some nerves I didn’t know I had about him going back to Toronto. "I'd like that," I tell him with a shaky smile. 

* * *

I hope everyone had a good week! Thank you all for the lovely comments over the past week.

I hope

Tina


	13. Sister Secrets.

We all bundled into mom’s car, with the twins here it was truly a girl's day out. Joy was meeting us at the mall since she lived in Charlottetown already. Our weekend out had been pushed back a weekend as the Twins were coming home, which I didn’t mind. I had spent the previous Sunday with Olivia watching movies as we chilled in the basement as she asked me more about Ken and I answered them truthfully as I could. Promising her that just because Ken was around that I wouldn't forget about her. Telling her that I didn’t know what the last months would have been like without her around.

I was wearing a pair of leggings and a sweater. It appeared that most of my closet had given up hope on fitting me. Which meant I would be getting my first articles of maternity clothing. I needed something when wear and yoga pants and leggings weren’t acceptable, and I needed something for school as well now.

The price of clothing sent me almost into a panic attack.

“A pair of jeans, a pair of chino’s for school, few tee shirts should be good for now,” Mom tells me as she sees me look around utterly confused about where to start. “And some bra’s, of course.”

“Can I help you find anything?” The sales lady asks my mom. “Are we shopping for a gift?” 

“Actually for me,” I quietly speak up for myself. 

“Of course, we have some more graphic tee’s and basic over here in the back,” she tells me, leading me away from the workwear sections. “How far along?”

“20 weeks,” I tell her as we stop by what is very much for the younger generation of maternity wear. 

“What size are you generally?” She asks me and I look at her confused. “Are sizes correspond with pre-baby sizes, yet accommodate the ever-changing body.” 

“I’m usually a size a small, depending on stretch a size 2-4 in jeans,” I tell her. 

“Okay so let's so let's stick with a small,” she tells me. “Our best selling jeans are these, they help support the bump, but you seem on the small side so you might be fine with the side stretch ones.” 

“Rilla you need to try this on!” Joy says holding up a polka dot jumpsuit. 

“Your Aunt?” The lady tries to decipher or family. 

“Sisters, and our mother,” I tell her, she nods her head. I can see her look over everyone, calculating our ages in her head. 

I try on numerous outfits, including the jumpsuit that Joy picked out and a loose floral tiered dress that Nan and Mom had shown me. From bra’s, a pair of jeans, the dress and a few shirts, a pair of khakis for school. I almost gasped at the amount it rang up as. Mom merely passed along her credit card. Joy ended up buying me the jumpsuit, saying it was too cute on me to pass up 

“So Ken is back in Toronto?” Joy asks as we stand in line at the coffee shop. 

“Yeah, last week,” I nod my head. “Few loose ends, more clothing, actual things.” I rattle off to explain. 

“Feel a bit strange not having him around?” Joy asked looking at me as I fiddled with my phone. 

“He said he would text and call, and he does, we chatted as I did my morning stretches,” I tell her. I don’t tell her how he sends me funny memes on Instagram or random baby facts. It was oddly comforting, after months of thinking he actively ignored me.

“What do you want?” Joy asks me with a nudge. 

“Chai latte please,” I tell her looking around the book store that was in the mall. Joy orders our drinks and we take them as we browse the store, landing in the children’s section. 

Mom comes up with a couple of books, mostly pregnancy in a teen approachable way. In my own hands was a small book that was about a ballerina that had different textures. 

“It might help you read other stories about girls your age." She explained. "Of course, What to Expect While You’re Expecting. I should have bought this one back in October for you.” She told me.

 _“That is the type of girl you don’t want to become,”_ I hear whispered loudly around the corner. I look down at my body, I had given up on my jacket in the warm mall and I was beginning to show more than ever.

Mom's head swings to where the older woman was and gave her, her best principal death glare. 

“Don’t,” I say not wanting her to cause a scene. “It’s not worth it,” I tell her, I pull her away, over to another aisle. I learned in the past week it was easier to ignore the talk than react to it, it made it less fun for the people who gossiped. 

We gravitated towards the check out where I paid for the little book by myself, though Joy had offered to get it for me. I only shook my head. I had some money, after all, I should be able to buy things for my child. 

It was the twins who pull me into Osh-Kosh as we passed by it. They squeal over the tiny clothing and little socks as soon as they saw it. I stood there like a fish out of water looking around not sure where to even look or begin. 

“Are we looking for anything particular?” Another sales lady picks me out of the group from the obvious bump I am sporting. 

“Everything?” I say a touch sarcastically, before a frown. She was just trying to help me, thankfully she laughs as if she understands. 

“It can be overwhelming, when are you due?” 

“May 6th,” I tell her. 

“So you’ll want to start with spring and summer clothing section, no point in looking at the fall and winter just yet.” She says with a smile. “Do we know what the little one is?” 

“It’s a girl,” I tell her and she leads me over to the cotton candy land of girl's clothing filled with unicorns and mermaids and pastel dinosaurs. 

“If you need anything just ask,” The girl said before retreating. I look over to my sisters. Joy was holding up a set of onesies with a unicorn on them, mom was looking at tights with ruffled lace butt, ones that Joy had on in her baby photos. Di was holding some sort of overalls that had dinosaurs on them, Nan was holding up the smallest tutu I had ever seen. I smile at them as I sit down on one of the squares they had out and fished around in my purse for my baggy of snacks. Where did my energy go all of sudden? I feel my phone buzz and I look at it. 

**Hope you’re having fun shopping.**

I snap a shot of the store before writing. **I love pink and unicorns don’t get me wrong, but this is a lot of pink, why is everything pink? Why is everything on cotton candy on steroids?**

 **So less pink and unicorns?** He writes back instantly. 

**I never really thought of it, it just surprised me. You can buy her whatever you want really.** I tell him not wanting to think that I would tell him what to buy. 

**Maybe when I get settled in we can do some shopping and see what we like? Buy some things for her ourselves together for the first time?** He offers.

**Sounds good =)**

My sisters bring me back to the present as they ask my opinions about things. 

“I know you’re excited but can you hold off?” I ask quietly. “I just think that it might be nice if Ken and I buy some of her first articles of clothing?” I tell them trying to explain how I felt overwhelmed by it all at the moment. 

They all nod, somehow understanding. I’m sure that they would be back to buy things later on as presents. 

“I think our movie is about to start soon,” Mom says above us all. “We should start heading that way.” My sisters seem to agree as they pull me towards the exit. We walk the corridor of the mall until we start smelling the popcorn wafting from the movie theatre. Mom goes to buys us tickets as the twins get in line for popcorn and drinks. Joy and I make use of the short line in the ladies' washroom. It would be a miracle at this point if I made it through the movie without having to leave to pee. 

I was dead on my feet when we got home. I threw my shopping bags on the floor and laid down on my bed with a yawn. A small nap would be lovely at the moment I thought. I couldn’t wait for Christmas break to start. To think I still had a week of school left, I look toward my door as I hear footsteps, and someone knocked. 

“Yes?” I answer and Nan pokes her head into my room. I motion for her to come in and crawls into my bed. She lays next to me contemplating something, unsure if she should say what was on her mind. 

“You knew?” I say quietly looking up at the dark ceiling. “You know it was him.” 

“I heard rumours, part of me didn’t want to believe it. Another part of me believed it because why else would you be so tight-lipped about it?” Nan replies, her voice even and calm as it always is. “I couldn’t be sure until you came out with the truth.” 

I sign burrowing my head in the crook of her neck. “We didn’t mean for it to happen, it just did.” 

“I know,” Nan tells me. “They all said you were both really out of it. Actually, I’m surprised he could manage to do anything, whiskey dick is real.” She said, my mouth drops at her words. Nan wasn’t one to swear or make crude comments. “I’m not a prude Rilla. I’m not all out there like Di is with her opinions about sex, but I’m not a virgin Mary,” Nan tells me before I can anything. 

“It’s always the quiet ones,” I tease her. “So you and Jerry, how does that work a minister's son?” 

Nan looks down at me. “He’s twenty-four and makes his own decisions?” she says to me. 

“It was just a question,” I respond. 

Nan hums for a moment. “I know, it's still new with us and Jerry is private and you’re not going to get me off the topic.” She tells me authoritatively. I wrap my arm around her arm and hold it tightly. “You're lucky Ken’s a good guy, he won’t shriek his responsibilities. This little niece of mine will be loved and cherished.” 

“You’re not going to hit him are you?” I ask her curiously. 

Nan laughed lightly. “No but I did find a list of books for him to read about pregnancy and fatherhood,” she tells me. “Di is angry at him, but I think she knows Walter used to crush on him. Jem though, Jem might blow a gasket when he actually sees Ken.” 

I find myself sighing once more. 

“Rills?” Nan asks me in the darkroom. 

“Yes, Nan?” I answer her. 

“You’re braver than me,” Nan says quietly. 

I twist and lift myself and look down at my sister, who was staring up at the ceiling. 

“I had an abortion last year,” She whispers. “Di came with me, to get the pills that day. Mom and Dad don’t even know,” she said. “Which is why you are braver than me.” 

“Why?” 

“It just made sense. When I told him; when I told him I wanted to just nip in the bud, he looked relieved and said fine, he even offered to pay for them. We didn’t stay together after that.” 

“I thought you were on the pill? Obviously, I know condoms can be defective” I asked her as I motion to my bump. Boy did I ever know that know.

“I was but it was giving me headaches and weird side effects, I switched to a new brand and I don’t know. Something happened and all I knew my Eggo was preggo,” Nan said with a sigh. 

“Your Eggo is Preggo? Like Eggo as a waffle?” I asked looking at her confused. 

“It was a saying back when I was in high school,” Nan explained. “So now you know,” she said.

"I think you're brave," I tell her. "We just had different reasoning, it doesn't mean either of us brave for our choices," I tell her. 

“Is it weird with Ken is gone again?” Nan asks curiously.

“Not really, but he was only here for a little over a week. He texts all the time, sometimes he calls me,” I shrug. “It feels like he’s overcompensating for what happened.” Nan hums and nods her head that was resting on my pillow. 

“How’s mom?” She asks quietly. 

“She’s mom,” I say simply. “Not sure if it’s the Christmas season making her rethink things or if it just sunk in enough that it is what it is now to her.” 

“So, what was it like?” Di says from the doorway out of nowhere. “With Ken?”

“I don’t remember much,” I tell her honestly as we all squish on my bed snuggled against each other. “It’s all blurry and dicey, pretty sure we clunked heads once or twice, I fumbled a lot,” I explain with a blush. “I think he was attentive?” I say shyly before I giggled. “After Fred and I last spring, sometimes it felt like everyone just lied about sex and how great it was. Though it is possible that it was just Fred who lacked the greatness?” I say.

“Something that could be very true,” Di says with a nod of her head.

“So despite not remembering much, you still have enough to compare it and rate it better than the other boy?” Nan looks at me. “I feel like your withholding information.”

I shrug not wanting to divulge any more information. 

“At least tell us if the rumours are true?” Di says poking me. 

“I don’t even know what rumours you are talking about,” I respond shaking my head. “Now let me sleep,” I told her yawning. 

“You had the first-hand experience,” Di says with a grin, making some rude gesture so I would get her meaning. 

“I thought you were into girls right now, why do you want to know about his dick?” I question her. 

“Because guys are wonderful in their own way as well,” Di said grinning. “Come on, tell us. We heard rumours back in the day during summer vacations when he was around.” She tried to pry information from me. Information I truly didn't have to my own recollection. I couldn't tell her even if I wanted to. 

“I rather sleep,” I say yawning. 

“It’s 6pm,” Di says looking at her phone. 

“Yeah and I’m growing a human parasite that feeds off of me,” I say sarcastically. “Forgive me for taking naps when I spent all day at a mall.” 

Di leaves, but Nan stays for another moment. 

"Secret keeper?" She says.

"Secret keeper," I nod my head and watch her leave my room. 

* * *

Christmas Day was much like every other Christmas. Us children at home were up as soon as the sun was up, dressed in our Christmas pyjama’s that they bought for us every year. Joy would be over a little later, while Jem and Faith were at the Merediths for Christmas morning this year.

Dressed in our onesies we all waited patiently for our parents and Aunt Marilla to wake up. 

Di and Walter were laughing over something on her phone, while Nan was texting Jerry a Merry Christmas.

We opened our presents, which were more practical than not nowadays. The twins and Walter got things for their apartment. Decor and dishes, gift cards to buy other things. Shirley got new bedding for his bed, and some computer games he had wanted. Of course, there was a clementine in the bottom of our stocking like every year, our Costco pack of socks and new slippers. Bath and body toiletries, small make-up for us girls and somehow packs of condoms were thrown into the mix of things. Most likely because of my own predicament.

This year was different for me as it lacked the dance things I usually get along with notebooks to write in and movies I’ve been wanting. With the seven of us kids, we usually draw names with each other. That way no one had to buy six different presents when you were a poor teenager, but we wait until Joy and Jem arrive for those presents. The only one of us that didn’t partake was Joy who deemed herself old enough to buy us all something these days. I had gift cards to Babies R Us and Walmart from my parents. Which I knew were mean to cover a large amount of costs coming. What had surprised me was a pair of boots that I had been eyeing back in September when mom had taken me shopping. She must have gone back and bought them for me and didn’t feel like returning in her disappointment I gathered. They were a dark brown suede, with a delicate fringe on them.

“Thank you,” I say quietly. 

“I hope they still fit you,” Mom replies. “Feet tend to get bigger during pregnancy.” 

“I’m sure they will be fine,” not wanting to mention they were a half size larger than my usual size, to begin with. We hug awkwardly, still unsure of each other since I admitted I was pregnant. 

I open Aunt Marilla’s present next who arrived the previous night as she always does.

It was a pretty dress, Aunt Marilla does have good taste in clothing or maybe we just like the same things? It was dark green with a broad floral design, it was also a dress that didn’t hide my changing body. I was rather surprised that she bought it at all. 

“Maternity wear, definitely isn’t what it was like when your mother had back in the day even with you,” she says. “The sale girls said these dresses were popular for expectant mothers, and it will grow with you as you grow.” She explains all the ruching down the sides of the dress.

“It looks really pretty, thank you,” I move to hug her. “I’ll try it on after breakfast, though I’m sure it will fit for a while,” I tell her. “It will match my boots. 

“Your mother was much the same with Joy, so tiny until one day she just popped.” Aunt Marilla told me, much to my mother's protesting. 

“She said she was a whale,” I say confused. 

“I was a whale,” Mom speaks up. 

“You were far from a whale Anne,” Aunt Marilla clucked her tongue. “Of course with the twins, you were much larger than previous pregnancies. Even with them, you had every woman at church envious of how you managed to bounce back with every baby. I remember hearing Mrs. Barry telling Diana that she should watch her own weight so Fred wouldn't stray."

“Diana always looked radiant pregnant, and never gained more than the recommended weight,” Mom told Aunt Marilla with a shake of her head. "Of course Fred is an angel and would have never strayed from Diana." Mom adds on. “ She also always had easy births no twins, no complications. No last-minute c-sections like when Shirley decided to get himself into a pickle, turned askew and just refused to be moved,” Mom said sighing. 

“Well, he does have a big head,” I say looking over at Shirley. 

“My head is average thank you very much,” Shirley objects. “You were the chunky baby anyway,” 

“You were close to nine pounds,” Mom hummed. “Eight pounds and eleven ounces, and the shortest of the bunch, made you extra squishy as an infant” 

“Thanks, I was the fat one I know,” I say rolling my eyes. "Wasn't Jem the heaviest at ten pounds?"

“Jem was ten pounds, and I believe Kenneth Ford was close to ten pounds as well?” Aunt Marilla spoke up and I spin to look at her mouth open then I look at mom praying that Aunt Marilla was wrong. 

“About that nine something, if I remember, I have his birth announcement somewhere in an album.” Mom said getting up and running her finger through the photo albums.

“Kenneth Wayne Ford, May 24th, 1995, 9 lbs 10 ounces, 21 1/2 inches long.” Mom reads out loud when she finds what she was looking for.

I groan openly. This child had the potential to be massive and the thought of giving birth to it was suddenly terrifying. A part of me suddenly realizing that maybe I didn't think everything through when I decided to have this baby.

“All right enough with that talk,” Dad speaks up. “It’s Christmas after all and even though it's a day to celebrate the birth of Christ, it’s probably not helping.” he rubs my shoulder lovingly from where I sat in front of him. “You and your doctor will most likely go through a birth plan soon. There are also classes and whatnot that you can attend to teach that will teach you about it all.” He tells me trying to reassure me that it will somehow be all right. I nod my head, I’ve seen enough romantic comedy that I know about Lamaze class. 

“I think this one is yours,” Di tells me passing me a wrapped gift. 

“Who is it from?” Walter leaned in to ask. 

I merely shrug at Walter as I opened it up slowly and found a book of all things. I knew it was Ken, it could only be from Ken. I felt rather guilty that I never had a chance to get him something. I would have to rectify that later I tell myself as I push aside the paper. 

_Dancing in Petersburg: The Memoirs of Mathilde Kschessinska - Prima Ballerina of the Russian Imperial Theatre, and Mistress of the future Tsar Nicholas II_

I shook my head but smiled if I would enjoy one thing it is something about ballet. Along with it was a pair of baby Freed’s. The smallest pair of pointe shoes one could find for display purposes. 

“Oh my, those are adorable!” Nan gushed over the small slippers. 

“Mathilde Kschessinka,” Walter reads the book. “He should have bought you the movie instead,” he said under his breath, still bitter about the whole situation.

“I do read occasionally,” I take the book away from him in a huff. I pick up my phone, deciding to thank Ken for the gift straight away. 

I toss my phone aside as I decide to try on the boots, they fit almost perfectly as I swish my feet around. They didn't feel too tight. 

My phone buzzes on and off over the course of the morning. Olivia's name pops up wishing me a Merry Christmas, a few friends from Ballet and of course Ken popping in. 

**Merry Christmas, glad you like the book =) I hope one day our daughter can watch you dance on stage.**

The day got livelier at Joy and Jem came around. Joy with Matt as they had the boys on boxing day this year, while Jem had brought Faith. 

Joy smiled and hugged everyone before landing on me.

“How are you feeling?” Joy asks pulling me into a hug. 

“You know you don’t have to ask that every time you see me,” I tell Joy who gives a look that told me to don’t question her questions. “I’m fine despite that it just dawned on me that I actually have to give birth to this baby.”

“You didn’t think of that, what five months ago?” Joy laughed 

I shrug at her. “I guess not, or maybe I didn’t realize that Ken was a nine-pound gigantic baby. He’s over six feet and I’m only five feet four inches,” I mutter. 

“Well, it’s only going to get more interesting for you when you read those books about childbirth.” Joy tells me patting me on the head. I make a face, the more the baby grows the more I worry about what will happen downstairs. “But here’s your gift,” Joy says passing me over my wrapped box. I take it as I sit down on the couch wearing my new dress and boots now that company was over. 

I tear it open and find a music box that depicted Clara and her nutcracker. 

“It’s beautiful,” I say in awe as I turn the key and hear the familiar music. “Thank you,” I say as I choke back some tears. “I’m sorry.” 

“You’re allowed to cry,” Joy laughs as she hands me a box of tissue. “It’s not like you can help it.” 

“True,” I laugh through my tears. 

“I should tell you that Matt saw it and pick it out for you” Joy added looking at her husband who smiled back at her. I look to Matt with a fresh set of tears. 

“Thank you!” I sob I get up and gave him a large hug. Matt hugs me back. 

"It was nothing, I saw and told Joy about it and bought it," Matt says with a shrug. 

When I sit back down, Jem hands me a small rectangular box with a smile on his face.

"Open it," he said grinning. I pull off the paper, I look at him in shock. 

“It’s not crazy expensive, so don't panic it was pretty much within the price range we all set upon,” he says encouraging me to open it. Which I do, as I gasp looking between him and the necklace. Clearly, this was more than the agreed-upon budget,

“It’s an Evenstar,” I say breathlessly. I gather myself up and pull him into a hug, my tears and snot soaking his shirt, before hugging Faith. Knowing she must have helped him. Jem motions for me to sit in front of him and he puts on the necklace for me. The Evenstar was a necklace from the Lord of the Rings Movies that Aragorn give Arwen, it was truly a magical gift as they were harder to come by these days as the movie got older. 

“Don’t lose it,” he said gruffly. “I want that passed down to my niece one day.” 

“Okay, how much did you spend on this if you want me to pass it down god knows when?” I ask him. 

Jem just shrugs and smiles. “What's the point of a gift if I tell you?" He says. 

“I’ll never take it off,” I tell him and hug him once more kissing his cheek beaming. 

I made sure that everyone was asleep and Dad was at the hospital for his shift when I went over to the bookcase that mom had gone to earlier. I picked out the album, flipping through it until I saw it. 

It only made me wonder more what this little one would look like as I saw a picture of Ken in what appeared to be his hospital photo. Would it have dark hair like his or red like mine? I look out the photo to study it closer. There were two of them, on hiding behind the other, I put it off to the side as I place the other into its spot. I go searching for another album, my own baby album that Mom had made for each of us children. 

I find my own hospital photo, big eyes and chubby cheeks with fine red hair that had yet to go curly. I take one of the spares mom had in the album. Meaning to study them both in the privacy of my room when I went back upstairs.

I sink down on my bed, snapping a photo of the photos side by side on my bed, and I send it to Olivia.

 _Apparently, the chances of this big baby ruining my body and my lady bits are high. Apparently, Ken (who is on the left)_ _was 21 inches long and 9lbs. FML_

* * *

So after long many months of not working, I get to go back to work this week! But don't worry since this story is prewritten I should be still updating every weekend for your peeps.

I hope every enjoyed seeing Nan, Di and Joy, as well as all the others of course! 

Tina. 


	14. This Shouldn't be Happening

Music was blaring in every part of the house with us kids at home for the holidays. Nan and Di were listening to their upstairs in their room while Mom had the radio on in the Kitchen. Shirley was playing his own to try and cancel my own music as Olivia and I made up dances to songs from Marianas Trench that blasted from my phone.

We were laughing hysterically as we sang out the lyrics, making up cheesy dances with a mix of ballet and what was typical teen dancing.   
Snapchat's were sent, Instagram posts were made as we had our fun. Singing to each other, 

**_‘What you want, what you need has been killing me._ **

**_Trying to be everything that you want me to be._ **

**_I’ll say yes, I'll undress, I'll do more for less._ **

**_Now I'll change everything till it's perfect again.’_ **

“I hope no-one is undressing or doing more for less,” Dad says from the bottom of the stairs, laundry basket in his hands. We look at my dad, before looking back at each other and burst out laughing as we fall onto the old bean bag chairs. I more gracefully than Olivia for obvious reasons. He shakes his head as he heads for the laundry room. 

“Okay, I needth to stop,” I said gasping. “Otherwise I may pee my pants if I haven’t already.” 

I force myself to take a deep breath to stop laughing. I stretch out my back on the bean bag, I can feel the baby flutter about, which makes me smile to myself. 

“It’s nice to see you actually smile,” Olivia says taking a drink from her water bottle. 

“I smile,” I said frowning. 

“You fake smile at a school. Your true smile, your whole face lights up,” Olivia explained shaking her head. I make a face at her which she laughs at.

“I meant what I said,” Dad said coming back from the laundry room. “Nothing good is achieved by getting naked to fix your day's problems. You’ll either end up in embarrassing situations, awkward doctor appoints about things burning while you urinate.” He grins at us before looking toward the wall of family photos. “Or you know with seven kids. It’s all fun and games until you realize you’ve been outnumbered three times over.” 

“Dath!” I groan, my most grown out lisping slipping through the cracks not once but twice. 

“Just some advice,” He grinned. “Dinner is almost ready, you're welcome to stay if you wish Olivia,” he says to my friend. 

Olivia shook her head. “Thank you, but my mom should be here soon enough,” she tells my dad who nods and goes back upstairs. 

“Let uth head upstairs,” I tell her frowning. “Let us, you would think years of speech therapy I wouldn’t have to worry about it” I correct myself muttering. 

“You had speech therapy?” Olivia asked. 

“From kindergarten up until grade six,” I say with a nod of my head we went up the stairs. “I was the one who had numerous learning issues, for a while they thought I was dyslexic. Probably why I loved to dance, it was something that came naturally and easily for me. I didn’t need to talk, and I could easily pick up steps by just watching the teacher.” 

“Did they ever figure out what it was?” Olivia asked curiously to which I shrugged at. 

“Nothing official, I suppose I was just the dunce of the family. I had assessments, I had appointments for glasses. My sight is fine and assessments came up inconclusive on the reading end of things. I can read, they just figured I didn’t like too?” I explain as I heave myself up, and run a hand over my bump.

I walk Olivia to the door and waved goodbye as she runs to her mother's car. Shutting the door I sigh as I wander the kitchen where the leaves of the table were out and it was partially set. Most of the time, the table was set to four people, but with Walter and the Twins' home, we needed more space.

“What's for dinner?” I ask looking around. 

“Lasagna, there is a small meatless one for you,” Mom answers as she checks on the garlic bread that was in the oven. “You can finish setting the table.” 

I nod my head and gather the cutlery from the drawer. I turn my heel and suddenly my head swims. The feeling of dizziness overcomes me. Dad who must have been coming into the kitchen swiftly steadies me. 

“It’s okay, let’s just sit you down for a moment,” he says helping me over to a chair. 

“I’m okay, just got suddenly dizzy,” I tell him. “I must have turned too fast,” I tell him. 

“When the last time you ate,” he said looking at the clock as he gets me a glass of almond milk. 

“Lunchtime?” I respond. “I’m fine really, I am.” 

Dad frowns and presses a hand to my forehead either way. Mom is watching me with a curious look. 

“When did you eat lunch?” She asks me. 

“When Di and Nan were making Caprese salad?” I tell her. “It was before Olivia came over,” I tell her. “You saw me walking by with it when Ken called.”

“He’s on his way back?” Mom asked as she cut up the garlic bread with her large knife. 

I nod my head. “With Persis and her boyfriend, who wanted to come to see the island,” I tell her, 

Mom merely nods her head. “Of course Leslie was saying,” mom hums as dad still checks me over at this point he was checking my pulse.   
“How did they truly take the news,” I ask her which prompts her to turn and look at me. “I mean I get Ken's side of things but I feel like he leaves stuff out to make me feel better?” I explain.

“As one might expect,” Mom settles with. “Disappointed, confused and angry. Owen was furious at Ken, of course, Leslie was confused and didn’t want to believe it. I think Owen was skeptical truthfully, we had to remind him that if it had been anyone else you would have not kept it a secret. Clearly, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, with the Ford men,” Mom says almost bitterly. I couldn’t help but wonder what she thought when her best friend was suddenly dating a man eleven years older than her. “Both of you seem to agree that whatever happened between you that night resulted in this happening and we all just have to go along with it.”

“It could only be him,” I say quietly. “There was no one else, and before that, I was at summer intensive and Fred and I broke up back in June.” I try to explain as I try to stand up, but Dad holds me down.

“Everything all right?” Walter says from the kitchen entryway, looking at Dad who was still holding me down. 

“I’m fine, I just had a dizzy spell and dad is overreacting,” I tell him, my hands resting over my ever-growing bump. When I weighed myself this morning I almost choked when I had gained three pounds over Christmas, from Christmas alone. I almost wondered if Ken would be able to tell or see the difference that I felt. 

“If it happens again tell me, maybe you slow down a bit. I heard you this morning working through your pointe technique.” Dad tells me. I give him a look like he was asking me to cut off one of my legs. “Just don’t overdo it, this isn’t going to get easier, just harder on your body.” He sighs moving away from me as the twins and Shirley come into the kitchen. 

They take their places around the table as they all bring up different conversations. I eat silently, picking apart the lasagna my mother had made for me. It was good, mom was a good cook after all. Nan was talking about her new courses, while Di was going about going fabric shopping, while my mind kept going back to what Mom said about the Fords. They seemed so relaxed about the situation when they had visited. Yet Ken was dealing with the same things I had.

I help with the dishes and shake my head when the siblings break out the tub of ice cream and toppings for sundaes. I leave them to their ice cream as I go up to my room meaning to take an early shower. I strip down to my bra and panties, looking at myself in the mirror. It was like my body didn’t even belong to me anymore, and really it wasn’t.

I take my shower and settle down in my bed, grabbing one of the books mom had picked up for me. I open it, flipping to a page that seems close to where I would be. It takes a minute click in my head. It tells me things I would have never thought about, it also tells me things I wish I could now scrub out of my mind. I toss the book aside when I came to the chapter about preparing for childbirth. I gigantic no thank you right now for me to even think about.

I grab my phone as I hear it buzz.

 **Made it to Edmundston for the night, should be hitting the road early so I can unpack and get some groceries. Also really Mariana’s Trench?** I knew instantly had seen the video of Olivia had taken of me that was on my Instagram.

 **What's wrong with Trench!** —I reply back.

 **They were signed by Nickelback's record label company? =P** — He replies back instantly

 **I saw them live when they toured for Astoria’s album, it was amazing. Plus our daughter likes it when I listen to them, she moves around when she hears it.—** I tell him, even if it felt weird saying our daughter.

 **Or trying to run away from it, =P** — He writes back teasing me.

**Oh and pray tell what music is good to you? Drake, the weekend?**

**More a July Talk, the Arkell’s, The Glorious Sons type of a guy for Canadian Music.**

I sigh and smile, they were all bands I had on my playlist.

 **I’m heading to bed now—** I tell him as I yawn.

**Sleep well =)**

**You too**

I wake up disorientated and needing to use the washroom. I stumble along with the dark hall yawning, something I had gotten used to overtime. Getting up to go to the bathroom was a regular occurrence these days. 

I rub my eyes as they finally go into focus and not hurt from the light of the bathroom. I look down as I wait and as I open my eyes once more. 

I see it. I hurriedly wipe, examining the tissue filled with fear. 

I wasn’t supposed to be bleeding? 

I yank up my pyjamas and wash my hands. My mind running in circles as I panic, I make my way downstairs and knocking on my parent's door. Dad was home tonight, he would know what to do right? 

It was dad who answers the door in his boxers and white shirt. “What is it?” He asked before he realizes that I have tears running down my face. 

“I’m bleeding, I shouldn’t be bleeding should I?” I asked him hurriedly. 

“Anne!” Gilbert calls out to my mother who was already sitting up in bed, rubbing her own eyes. 

“What colour was it? Was it a lot?” He asks as I just stand there, he was already pulling on his nearest clean clothing. “Bright red? More Brown or pinky? Rilla you need to tell me?” 

“Red,” I tell him. “I don’t know how much, I just woke up.”

“Beginning of a period light spotting? Cramping?” Mom asks for him, thinking it might be easy for me to answer her. 

“Near the end, like when you think it stops but it comes back one last hour? She’s still fluttering around in there, I can feel it” I explain to her. “No cramping, but I was asleep I don’t know.” 

“Emily, this is Doctor Blythe,’ Dad says into his phone. “Can you transfer me over to obstetrics, thank you. Dr. Perry this is Doctor Blythe, my daughter who is a patient under Dr. Burnley, Rilla Blythe, July 17th, 2001. Yes, yes, that is here, she woke up just now to light to moderate bleeding. She isn’t cramping but described it to her mother as when you think you finished your period but it comes back out of nowhere.” He relays the information. “Okay thank you, she didn’t mention anything from her last appointment and ultrasound. The fetus is being active,” he adds on. “Of course we will be there within an hour,” He says before hanging up and turned to me. 

“Do we have any pads in this house?” He turns to my mother. He knows well enough from the Costco pack of tampons he ends up buying for the women of the house, that none of us liked pads.

“I have some stored away somewhere,” Mom nods her head, heading towards their bathroom. 

He turns to me. “Don’t panic, it's most likely nothing. You can feel her move which is a good sign,” he tried to reassure me. 

I nodded my head as mom hands me a few pads. “It happens, it happened a few times with the lot of you,” Mom says rather sympathetically. 

I nod my head and head back upstairs to change my underwear and stick on one of the pads mom had given me. 

I thought about texting Ken. He texted me when he got to New Brunswick, at the hotel he got so he could rest for the night. He driving back today and still hours away and if there was no reason to panic. Yet all I wanted was to hear his voice. It was Di who finds me coming out of the bathroom for the second time. “Everything all right?” She yawns.

I don’t want to tell her, I don’t want to worry her or Nan. Still, my lip quivers as I wrap my arms around my belly. She most likely thought that I was just having a panic attack, or hormones were raging. 

“Shh,” Di said rubbing my back. I could feel her shake her head to Nan about something. I could hear Dad come to look for me, as I was still in front of the twin's bedroom.

“What's going on,” Di asks seeing Dad. 

“We’re taking Rilla to the hospital, we’ll text you when we know more.” That was all he told them as he holds out my jacket. I still don’t even have socks on. I stay quiet on the way to the hospital, we’re all quiet as dad drives. 

“Did you call Ken?” Mom asks from the passenger seat. 

I only shake my head, I still clutch my phone in my hand. 

“Call him,” Mom tells me. 

“It’s 3:30 am, it will just go to voicemail. Maybe we should wait until we know more. I don’t want him to panic.” I say. 

I can see mom wanting to correct me but decides whatever might come from it isn’t worth it. 

“I’ll make the call when I get checked in,” I compromise with her. The birth centre nurse was already waiting for us when we came through the door. She leads me into a small private room and helps me put on a gown. They do an exam, quietly charting whatever they write down in charts. 

“Let’s just see what's happening?” The technician told me kindly, though the screen was turned away from me as she did her work. 

“Can I?” I motion to my phone, and she nods her head. I hit Ken's number, it goes to voicemail like I thought it would it is in the middle of the night after all. 

“Call me please,” I say in a weak voice before hanging up I look towards my mom and sitting beside me at this point. “I’m at the hospital.”

His voice was laced with sleep when he calls me back a few minutes later. “What wrong? Is Everything all right? Is everything all right with the baby? You?” He says completely panicked. 

“We don’t know,” I say looking at the technician. “I woke up bleeding in the middle of the night, Dad brought me in,” I tell him quietly. Silently the technician looks at me and flicks a switch. Suddenly the sound of her heartbeat fills the room. 

"Is that?" he asks. 

"Uh-huh," I tell him.

“You’re not alone are you?” He asks quickly. 

“Dad is talking some doctor and mom is with me,” I tell him honestly. I look to my mom, she grasps by freehand squeezing it. 

“So far there’s a steady heartbeat,” she tells me as it rapidly thumps. “I’m going to send this to your doctor, and we’ll get you into a room.” She tells me. I nod my head as she gives me a cloth to wipe down my stomach. 

“I’m really scared,” I say quietly to him, to the semi-dark room. I couldn’t imagine, I’ve known for close to eighteen of the twenty-two weeks that I am. Ken has known for less than three weeks. I was nowhere near ready for this, but to think about losing it at this stage. 

It terrified me.

"I'm going to wake up Persis and tell her, I'll call you as soon as we hit the road," Ken tells me before bidding goodbye. 

Ken was true to his word calls as soon as they hit the road, talking about whatever he could to keep my mind from whatever was going on. The steady whooshing sound in the background calms us. The only time I had asked to let him go, or at least put him on mute was when they did another pelvic exam. He stayed on the line until I was yawning from being up half of the night.

I was sleeping when I woke up to some fixing the blanket new my feet. 

“Sleeping beauty is awake,” I hear Faith Meredith's voice before I see her face. “How are you doing?” She asked. 

“Fine,” I say pushing myself upwards. “Thirsty and hungry,” I add on. 

“Well, I can help you with both.” Faith tells me handing me a glass of what with a smile as she checks over the machine that watched the baby. “She moving around a lot?” 

“Yeah,” I nod my head, my hand resting over my bump. “That's good right?” 

“It is,” Faith nods her head. “I’ll find you some breakfast and I think the doctor will be in soon.”

Faith about to leave the room as mom and dad come back in with coffee in hand. Along with some fruit salad and a container of oatmeal on a tray. “For Rilla?” She asks.

“We thought she might be hungry,” Mom tells her. 

“She is,” Faith says with a smile. "I texted Jem on my break, should I tell him anything?" she asks quietly. 

"Whatever you think is appropriate," Mom tells her quietly. Faith nods looking back at me with a smile before leaving the room. 

Mom comes to sit next to me, setting up a tray with the breakfast they got for me. She watches me eat as she drinks her coffee. Ken wouldn’t reach the island until 10 am given how long Dad said it would take for him. 

Faith spent what time she could with me during her rounds. Mom silently held my hand whenever the doctor came into the room to check something. Another ultrasound, an hour or so of a nap as I was falling asleep as I spoke at one point. More poking and prodding, blood was drawn was more my morning 

When Ken came rushing into my room he looked like had sped the entire way rushed into the room. 

He looks at my parents as he caught his breath and then towards me. In the end, he made his way over to my bed. “Do we know anything?” He asks me. 

“The doctor should be here soon,” Dad said for me with a shake of his head. 

“Isn’t that good? If they aren’t that worried?” Ken looks to my dad. 

“It’s hard for me to say,” My dad tells him honestly. “Obstetrics isn’t my specialty.” 

Ken nods and sits down in the vacant chair. 

I push him the container of fruit when I hear his stomach rumbled. “I’m full and I need to pee,” I tell him, which wasn’t a lie. I was full and the container was huge. I slide out of bed still in my pyjamas and make my way over to the bathroom.

“Do you want Faith?” Mom asks and I shake my head. 

The doctor is in the room when I come back out. She waits for me to settle on the bed and mom fusses with the blankets.

“All right Rilla," She starts and she waits for me to nod to her before continuing. Letting her know I was ready for whatever was coming my way. Ken stood anxiously beside me, while mom still held tight to my hand. "When you can in we are worried that your placenta has shifted down towards your cervix, but it seems to be well enough away. It is possible you had sub-chronic hematoma under, on or near the placenta. Depending on the size it could have been missed in previous scans depending on where it was located. All we can do is monitor the area where we think it came from and hope that it has fixed itself. Given you are well into your second trimester, we’ll need to monitor you more closely to ensure that whatever caused the bleeding has stopped completely. That also means being on restricted activity for at least two weeks to start with.” She tells me sternly

“You mean bed rest?” I ask her, every fear eating into my mind about losing all my muscle strength.

“Yes and no, Light exercise such as walking around the neighbourhood or maybe the supermarket is fine and encouraged. Dance and strenuous workouts are a definite no,” she explains to me before looking at Ken. "I almost want to snort that Ken wouldn’t touch me with a ten-foot pole in such a way. 

“What about school?” My mother asks. 

“Given the number of stairs I know are in Glen Valley High school. I would ask her to stay at home and study, for the two weeks.” She tells me mother before turning to look at me. “I know this will be hard on you. If everything appears to be all right in two weeks. You don’t have anymore bleeding we can re-evaluate the plan. We want you to leave the hospital with a healthy baby in seventeen weeks. Your next appointment will fall in the middle of the two weeks. I will book an ultrasound for you at that time and we can do the glucose test as well.” 

I nod my head. 

“I’ll monitor you for a few more hours if everything is looking better and the bleeding hasn’t resumed. You can go home and rest there and celebrate the new year.” She tells me. 

The doctor leaves the room, Dad follows her wanting to ask more questions most likely, while mom sits in a chair typing out some sort of message.

“Where’s your sister?” I ask Ken. 

“She dropped me off and went to go get some breakfast with Yosuke,” Ken tells me as he picks at the fruit. 

“Thank you for the book,” I tell him not sure what to say. I watch him look up and swallow the strawberry he ate before speaking.

“I found it browsing a used book store, I was looking for Anna Pavlova, but she seemed more interesting,” Ken told me. “Had some interesting photos in it as well,” he adds one with a crooked smile. “The little shoes I found at your work, I thought they were fitting.”

“Except now I can’t even dance,” I say to him with a sigh. 

“It’s only for a little while,” Ken tries to comfort me. “Who knows maybe I can turn you into a history nerd like your brother and me during this time,” he flashes me a smile. 

“I doubt that,” I shoot him a look. 

“Worth a shot,” he says to me with a grin.

“I would have gotten you something if I knew that you got me something,” I tell him.

“It’s fine Rilla, it’s not like we talked about it. I just saw the book and decided to get it,” he says with a shrug as we both look at the door as a knock sounded out. My mother comes into the room looking at us.

“Do you need anything? Juice, food?” She looks at me and I shake my head. “Kenneth?” She asks him next.

“I’m fine thank you,” Ken shakes his head to my mom. It brings me back to yesterday at dinner, mom saying that the Fords took it harder than Ken had let on.

“Your father and I are going to call your siblings down in his office, tell them not to worry,” Mom tells me. 

I nod my head and she comes to the bed and kisses my hair before hurrying away. 

“Things are better?” Ken asks he watches my mom leave the room. I want to ask him the same thing but decide against it for now.

“For now, I’m sure I’ll do or say something that will ruin it at some point,” I say with a shrug as I rub over my bump. “I’m sorry if I frightened you,” I tell him quietly. 

“Don’t be,” Ken says shaking his head. 

“So what are you going to do now that you’re back?” I ask him. 

“Work on getting job interviews. I reached out to my old professor about if he knew anyone out here, he said he might and will look into it for me.” Ken says perking up. “For now, my cousin who does photography around the Island is letting me help out for some extra cash as I figure things out, do enjoy taking photos so it’s not a bad gig.” 

“Well, it makes sense if you’re only social media is Instagram,” I tease him as I grimace and adjust myself. “I’m okay,” I tell him before he can jump into action or ask me if I was all right.” 

“How do you know?” He asks in reply. 

“Because she kicked because she didn’t like how I was laying and if I was bleeding I would be able to feel it,” I tell him blushing. 

“Fair enough,” he says so simply that I look at him. “What? I have a sister, who isn't exactly shy," Ken tells me.

“What lies are you telling her about me?” I looked up to see a short but pretty blonde in the doorway who wearing skinny jeans and a save the dolphin's t-shirt. 

“Persis,” I greet her. 

“I hope it’s okay I stopped by,” Persis says. 

“It’s fine, I’m stuck here until four,” I wave her in. 

“Where is Yosuke?” Ken asks looking around. 

“He’s down in the gift shop, he refuses to visit someone in the hospital without a gift,” Persis explained. “It’s a Japanese thing, they take it seriously, they take a lot of things seriously,” Persis explains to me. The closer she got the more I could see the similarities between Ken and Persis, the same nose and mouth. While one was blonde, the other was dark. Their eyes were similar though, while Kens were grey, hers had an icy blue tinge to them. 

“He doesn’t,” I say trying to object. 

“I tried to tell him but it’s ingrained into him. He’ll most likely get you some flowers, the more colourful the better,” Persis said, her eyes flickering between me and her brother. “It’s been a while since I saw you,” she said trying to think of the last time we saw each other. She had already been in Japan when Joy had gotten married. I only nod my head, I was about ten the last time she had been here. Six years ago, and not something I want to bring up, to make everything awkward.

“You gave my brother quite a fright. I had to ban him from driving because he would have driven us off the road,” she laughed lightly. 

“Persis,” Ken hisses at his sister. 

“It’s fine, I made everyone panic,” I say quietly. “I should be apologizing for having Ken wake you up as he did.” 

“It’s fine, as long as you and my little niece are good, it all worth it,” Persis waves me off. “This one wouldn’t shut up about it since he returned. It thought some alien took him and transplanted his head for a while,” Persis teased Ken. 

I watch Ken glare at his sister while turning red. I stifle a laugh as there was another knock on the door.

“Peko-chan?” 

“In here,” Persis spoke turning to smile at who I could only guess was her boyfriend Yosuke.

“Ohayo,” he bows to me. “Good Morning,” he says carefully looked at Persis who nodded her head. 

“Rilla is this Yosuke, Yosuke this is Rilla, my brother's girlfriend,” She said simply. 

“We’re not!” I start with a shake of my head 

“You’re a girl and a friend,” Persis said with a smile, “Just go with it?” Persis said, before speaking rapidly in Japanese. Ken wasn’t wrong when he said Persis had embraced it all. Yosuke was nodding along. Looking back and forth between Ken and me.

“Single parents are rare in Japan, our situation is rarer,” Ken explained quietly. “Persis is just trying to explain the situation in the easiest way for him to understand. He’s fairly progressive in his way of thinking, but Japan is very different society-wise from Canada.” 

“For you,” he said with a heavy accent holding out a colourful bouquet towards me. “You and the baby, get better,” he says before turning to Persis and spoke some Japanese. 

“Yosuke also says he will hang a plaque for you and the child when he goes to the temple when we are home. It is a good look to have the gods looking down on the mother and child.” Persis translates. 

“Arigato,” I bow my head and say to him as I smell the bouquet before laying it down on my lap. When I look up there is a surprised look on his face. “Studio Ghibli,” I say simply. Yosuke smiles at me and looks back at Persis.

“We’ll let you rest,” Persis spoke while nodding her head to Yosuke. “Ken if you call your landlord, I will drop off your things for you if you can get them to open the door.” 

I look to Ken. “If you have things to do,” I find myself saying to him. “I’ll be fine for an hour, mom and dad are around.”

“I don’t want to leave you here alone,” he shakes his head. “I’ll call and tell them there was an emergency and that my sister will come to collect the keys.” 

I sigh and nod my head, too exhausted to argue with him.

* * *

Hope everyone had a good week! I had a good first week back to work, though I totally fell down some stairs and twisted my ankle! 

I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter, with a few more small insights into the Fords and the appearance of Persis. 

The song is from Marianas Trench called Perfect. 

Tina


	15. New Year of Rest

I could hear Jem was cracking his knuckles as Ken came through the door with Persis and Yosuke. The trio had been invited to spend New Year’s Eve with us by my mother. She had been excited to see Persis after so many years.

“You touched my baby sister, prepare to die,” Jem mimics a line the princess bride.

“Jem, we talked about this,” I warn him as I come into the room with a bowl of fruit for myself. I set it down before poking him in the chest. "You would leave him alone, I think he’s been hit enough by the lot of you.”

“I never promised anything,”

"James Matthew!” Faith hollers at my brother, who immediately straightens up at his girlfriend's voice. “It’s New Year’s Eve, you promised to be nice. So be nice!”

“Yes, Faith,” Jem said with a sigh. “I’ll get you one day Ford,” Jem says to Ken before going back to join the crowd. Shirley is sitting with his girlfriend on the couch, while Nan is sitting next to Jerry. Una and Carl were here as well.Carl looked much like Faith with his golden-brown hair and bright blue eyes. While Una and Jerry were had inky dark hair and the darkest almost black, blue eyes. The only missing person was Walter who had other plans with his boyfriend than to spend time with his family.Or maybe it was the fact that Ken was here and he was still butt hurt over the whole thing.

I nod to Carl who I had seen around school here and there. Una was at college in Charlottetown.

“Persis it’s good to see you again,” Joy says coming from the Kitchen.

“It is! This is Yosuke my boyfriend,” Persis says. She goes on intruding Yosuke to everyone, he bowed to each one, using broken English to convey his pleasure in meeting them.

“So when are you due,” Carl speaks up and everyone looks at him for asking the question.

“Oh umm, May 6th,” I tell him as I feel Ken sit down beside me.

“It must feel like it getting closer by the day?” Una says to me, her long dark hair shining as it hung around her shoulders

“Rather the opposite,” I settle with. “I’m sure the next two weeks will be boring as well. Bed rest, or at the very least. Chill out on the couch and rest.”

“You are still allowed to take a short walk once a day,” Faith reminds me. “Just don’t go overexerting yourself. Otherwise, you will land yourself back in the hospital and I won’t be there to keep you company. I’m sure Ken wouldn’t want that either for you,” Faith says, meaning she had only picked a few shifts at the hospital over winter break before going back to Halifax with Jem.

“It was a terrifying few hours,” Ken said agreeing with Faith.

“Well, Father thinks it’s good of you to have kept the child,” Jerry speaks up as his stepsister finished. Faith swats at him. “He just means you’re responsible for your actions,” he tries to correct himself.

“Just stop talking,” Nan tells him patting his arm and I think back to her confessions from that evening. Jerry didn’t know. Jerry was a minister's son, he wouldn’t understand. Yet Nan was with him? 

I give her a look which she just shrugs at quietly. Both Di and I look at each other with a half frown. I had a feeling that Di had tried to get Nan to talk to Jerry, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears at this point. 

“Well, if you something to watch, we can give you some recommendations,” Wynnie says to me from her spot next to my brother. Changing the subject at Nan gives me a look of don’t start anything.

“I’ll have to remember that,” I tell her. “Though if you want to watch a romantic comedy without my brother mocking it, you’ll know where to find me,” I tell her and tease Shirley at the same time.

“Have you thought of names yet?” She asked me and I looked over to Ken.

“Not yet, still really wrapping our heads around this,” I tell her. “It’s a big decision after all.”

“It is and my parents accidentally stuck me with a name from a book series they never read.” Winnie laughs. “Lee says you enjoy Lord of the Rings though?”

“I do,” I nod my head. “Arwen isn’t bad though. She was always my favourite beyond Eowyn, though. Though I think that might be too strange of a name,” I say looking at Ken who was listening to us.

“I think it’s pretty, while google likes to tell people it is Welsh, it's actually Anglo Saxon. I believe, most people say it Eh-O-Wyn, but I think it's actually said Eh-Awe-Ween,” Ken tells me. “It means Horse-Joy.” He said matter of factly and we all look at him. “What I majored in history and took a class on Tolkien once. Though knowing it’s a girl it will help in the end.”

“I had never even seen Lord of the Rings until Lee made me watch it,” Winnie said with a grin. It was the second time I heard the name Lee come from her lips.

“Who is Lee?” I asked her confused by the name.

“You do realize the only people who actually call me Shirley, are in this house?” Shirley tells me with a shake of his head. “Most of my friends shortened it to Lee years ago. Wynnie didn’t realize my actual name was Shirley until she came over one day.”

“You’ve never said anything,” I said quietly looking at my brother. I had always been vocal about my name and nicknames.

Shirley just shrugged. “Makes no difference to me, I just tell people that Lee is fine if they want to shorten it and they usually do.”

I nod my head to my brother as I shiver, feeling suddenly cold. Within a moment Ken was passing me the blanket from the basket on the floor and I wrapped myself into it. It allowed me to rub my bump without anyone noticing as she made small movements.

I looked around the room, Nan and Jerry were quietly discussing something. Di was showing pictures on her phone to Faith and Una.

I twisted myself around trying to find a comfortable way to sit, it was so uncomfortable to curl up in a ball as I was used to. In the end, I ended up twisting myself towards Ken, who is checking his phone, trying to ignore the looks that Jem was shooting him.

I shoot him a glare as I cuddle into my blanket. Everyone was talking around me now, Persis talking for both herself and Yosuke by translating things here and there for him. I look at his smile.

“Oh! Is there that little gift shop still in Charlottetown that all niche and kitschy things?” Persis speaks up. “We need to get some souvenirs for our co-workers at home, a thank you for covering us as we went on a holiday,” she explains to everyone. “Doesn’t need to be expensive, but we each have a few co-workers so it adds up fast.”I learned the Persis worked in a real estate company, while Yosuke had some sort of office job and was waiting on a promotion.

“Maud’s Closet of Dreams?” Joy asks from her chair as she sat in Matt's lap.

“Yes!” Persis nods her head enthusiastically. “Few of my friends would love something from there, it’s still around? Is the old lady still there?”

“She is, her daughter runs it mostly though,” Joy tells her. “When I go, she always looks at me and hands me something she knows I will love. Then again I’ve been shopping there since I was fourteen years old.”

“You showed me the place when we were visiting one summer or was it when we were living out at the cottage?” Persis' brow furrowed. 

“It must have been the summertime when you were about ten or eleven. I was babysitting you and your brother and took you there.” Joy said thinking back. “You were thirteen when you moved here I believe, Ken was sixteen when you left. I remember carding him as a joke at my wedding two years later and not letting him drink. You were already in Japan at that point.” Joy laughed. “Your gift was lovely though you did get my thank you card did you not?”

“I believe I did,” Persis nods her head.

Mom came in with a plater of food, while Dad and Mr. Meredith were talking about theology or some sort of mumbo jumbo I didn’t understand. Mrs. Meredith was holding a bowl of peach punch she always made for occasions as the adult joined into the party. More chairs were set up everyone made room for everyone as Dad turns on the television, see we can see the countdown.

I’m fighting to stay awake at this point and there is still almost an hour and a half until the ball drop. I was warm and tired as I shut my eyes trying to block out some of the noise and games everyone was playing and at some point. I must have fallen asleep leaning into Ken.

It was Ken who was shaking me awake as I open my eyes to see him looking at me. I blush once more realizing I was curled against the side of him.

“It’s almost the new year,” he tells me.

“Oh!” I say blushing. “I’m sorry I used you as a pillow,” I tell him quietly when I realize I can feel the warmth of his hand that was settled on the curve of my stomach. He was about to move it away, making some excuse that it was better than me laying out it. Instead, I moved it over slightly and pressed down with it. I looked up at him as I felt her squirm, his hand firmly against the spot. A questioning look in his eyes as I nodded to him, ignoring all the other people in the room in our own little moment.

The countdown ends, as my siblings and the adult's room cheer. We were at a loss as everyone hugged and kissed each other. I blame it on the hormones running through me as I quickly kiss him, really it was more a one-second peck before I move away from him blushing furiously. I make a joke about it being New Year's after all. No one could get mad at tradition, could they?

Dad pulls me into a hug, kissing the top of my head. While my brothers each thumping Ken on the back harder them necessary to remind him they were still watching him. My sisters hugging and giving me a gentle rub on my stomach. Four months practically, four months and this would be over with and starting all over again.

“Rilla?” Ken says my name quietly as I find myself beside him once more. He looks like he wants to say something but decides against it. “Happy New Year,” he settles with.

“Happy New Year,” I repeat back to him as I feel my phone buzz. We stare at each other for another moment before I look at my phone with a sigh.

It was Olivia telling me Happy New Year's, to which I responded instantly, and I saw that I also had a message from Joy who sends a photo of me sleeping next to Ken. I must have pushed off the blanket as you see me cradle my bump, holding his hand in a place where it was resting on it as well. Dozing with his eyes closed as well. I hide my phone quickly from his view and blush looking away from him.

The new year was cold and quiet, the twins went back to Halifax for school. I wander around the house, watching tv and lightly cleaning around the living room. I was starring up at the ceiling when the doorbell rang when I wasn’t expecting anyone this morning. Mom was at the school, catching up on paperwork and making sure everything was set for the student's first day back.While Dad was working emergency at the hospital. Shirley was spending the day at Wynnie’s which I figured was code that her parents were at work so they have the place to themselves.

I sighed and went to open it.

“Aunt Marilla!” I exclaim seeing her with a large shopping bag.

“I brought you something to work on.” She told me as she took off her boots and heads towards the kitchen. She starts by filling the kettle for some, and looks in the fridge and sees the lunch mom had left for me still in the fridge.

“Good you haven’t eaten lunch yet,” she said as she pulls out a container that was what looked to be her famous plum puffs. My mouth waters while my head tells me no, if I was on bed rest it meant no large amounts of sugar or wasted calories. Healthy meals and snacks.

“Come sit,” Aunt Marilla tells me before she pulls out another bag filled with clear bags. Bags filled with pre-cut pieces. Sorted by colour, all in shades of pink. She brought me a quilt to work on, of course, she did. This was Aunt Marilla, she would teach me how to crochet or knit if I had the patience to.

“I thought it give you something to do, keep your hands and mind busy enough to distract you from overthinking things,” She tells me, which is her way of saying. Follow doctor's orders and don’t try and be sneaky.

“Olivia coming to visit sometime today,” I tell her.

“And Kenneth Ford?”Aunt Marilla asks me.

“He’s around when I need him to be,” I say with a shrug. “He’s been setting up his apartment and his sister is here so he’s busy. He offered to take me to my appointment next week though,” I explain to her as she gets up and passed me a plum puff.

“Eat,” she instructs me. “Then you can have your vegetables.” I shake my head, only she would make vegetables a reward with me.I eat my plum puff under her watchful eye before she allows me to eat the salad that mom left for me. When I finally finished, we settle on a pattern for me to piece together. As she digs out mom’s old sewing machine and set it up in the corner of the living room.

“What is this for?” I ask Aunt Marilla.

“Most likely be donated to the church,” She tells me which somehow makes me sad. “For someone who needs it,” she adds on. I nod my head as I yawn looking down at my phone. We had been sorting through bits of fabric for almost two hours. 

“Are you staying for dinner?” I ask her. 

“Oh no, it’s bingo at the centre tonight,” She shakes her grey head. “Rachel would never forgive me if I didn’t show up.” She says.

“It’s really sweet that you are still friends with your best friend,” I blurt out.

“We lived through a lot together,” Aunt Marilla says to me. “Well, I will leave you for today, remember to relax and don’t overdo things.” She reminds me as she kisses my cheek and pats my stomach.“Though Olivia sounds much like a friend you wish to keep around.”

“She’s nice,” I say with a small smile. “She plans to introduce me to Buffy the Vampire Slayer this week. Apparently, it’s a tragedy that I have never watched it, despite it was on during Joy’s lifetime and not mine.”

“I’m sure you will have fun,” she said. “Tell your parents hello for me and that I will be over for Sunday dinner.” She said before bustling out the door.

I put my plates in the dishwasher looking around for something else to keep busy with. I look at my phone, frowning at the lack of messages. Part of me still worried that New Years' scared him in some sort of way. I don’t have time to think about it as I hear Olivia knock on the door, the one she created for me. “It’s unlocked!” I tell her as I wipe off the counter.

“I have six seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and some healthy snacks for you,” Olivia greets me her hands full of things. “You promised me you would watch it with me and since we have a week before school, even if you won’t be there next week. We might as well start now!” She tells me pulling off her boots and jacket and hanging it up on the pegs by the door.

We settle in the living room this time as she loads the first DVD for us. I think Olivia doesn’t want to tempt me by putting me near my beloved dance floor. When I told her about being put on bed rest she told me she would keep me company.

“Prepare to be amazed,” she tells me.

“You sound like Shirley,” I tell her as I lay across the love seat.

“I’m just preparing you for epicness,” Olivia laughed as she hit play.

I watched diligently for the first episode and as I ponder to my teenage crushes of who I thought was more hot Angel or Giles. Clearly, I would never admit the second one to Olivia.

“So Giles is rather a fine piece of man meat isn’t he?” She says with a grin as if she was reading my mind.

“I didn’t notice,” I say trying not to give myself away.

“So anything since New Years'?” She asks me as she shoves a cookie into her mouth with the same grin on her face

“Will I regret telling you about that?” I feigning regret.

“Of course you will, now tell me the details,” she grinned back at me, I shake my head at her, but smile.

“I don’t know what came over me,” I tell her. “This isn’t that bad of a show, I don’t know what I was expecting, but I thought it be cheesier?” I say.

“Buffy is timeless, and I know what came over you,” Olivia gave me a look. “All those hormones running through you? How could you not kiss him as you did?”

“I don’t know,” I tell her. “But I thought for a moment he was going to remind me that it wasn’t appropriate, but he just brushed it off.”

“A New Years' peck is innocent, it’s not like you had your tongue in his mouth. I mean you probably have before, obviously and objectively speaking you had a lot of him in you in the first place for you to end up preggers.” She smirks at me and I throw a pillow at her. 

“You can’t say stuff like that!” I shriek, my face going red.

“Tis the truth though,” Olivia reminds me.

“Still, you don’t realize what it likes being almost six months pregnant, they say the second trimester is the easiest one. Except no one tells you that it’s also where hormones flip around and it can make you, well in the mood at a flick of a switch!” I say looking at her.

“That bad?” Olivia says with a giggle.

“You try being horny, single and on bed rest where your doctor stressed that any sort of sex or stimulation is off the table?” I give her a look, and I see her face contort into a half-smile, half horror. I give her a look before I look to the doorway to see Ken standing next to my father as if they had come home at the same time.

“You weren’t answering your phone,” Ken says awkwardly. “Persis wanted to know if you wanted to say goodbye to you before she left tomorrow? We can stop by after breakfast?”

“Oh, yeah, sure I guess. Sorry, we were watching Buffy the vampire slayer.” I say refusing to look at him and my father.

“I will let her know,” Ken said. “Well, I will leave you two to your uhh, show.” He settles with before leaving the same way he came in.

I watch Olivia burst out laughing as he shuts the door. “Oh my god, that is the funniest thing I have seen in so long.”

“It’s a rather common side effect of pregnancy,” Dad says offhandedly as he placed his bag on the coat rack. “I am going to go wash up from being at the hospital.” He tells me, as I look at him, he has the familiar look of what tell us that it wasn’t a good day shift at the hospital. 

I look to Olivia who was watching us.

“I think dad lost someone today,” I say quietly as I hear the shower turn on.

“Do you need me to go?” She asks and I shake my head. 

“No no, but he may be quieter than usual” I explain and I hit play on the episode once more. I know well enough by now, that he just needs a moment to himself more than anything.

I dig out my phone from the cushions of the couch to see five missed messages and two phone calls from Ken from the past hour. I shake my head, everything was just confusing between us it seemed. He had been relatively quiet since New Years' and now I was mortified knowing he heard us talking as we did. This baby may have come from us having sex, but that was not a topic we had yet to talk about since the day he showed up. Still, he seemed worried enough that I didn’t answer his texts or calls enough to come to check on me?

Olivia left just before dinner as she usually does, waving goodbye to my mother on the way out.

“I didn’t feel like cooking so I thought greek food would be good for tonight. I got you a greek salad,” she tells me as she places the food on the counter. “Pita as well, and there’s some baklava for dessert.”

“Aunt Marilla stopped by with plum puffs,” I say instantly, trying to excuse myself from eating the dessert. Mom looks at me with a sigh.

“Then don’t eat the baklava, just eat dinner Rilla,” She tells me sharply. “I’m sorry I just have a headache and don’t want to get into any arguments right now.” She tells me.

I shrug and grab my salad container and fork from the drawer. “Can I eat in my room then? I have some homework to write up that needs to be sent in by Monday?”

“Sure, just don’t leave food up there,” she tells me waving me off as she swallows two pills.

I had my dinner mostly eaten as I sat on the floor of my room with my laptop I used for school.

“You should be resting,” Dad calls out from the doorway. He’s looking less ghostly but somehow something is still bothering him it seems from what happened today.

“She said bed rest didn’t mean actually bed rest,” I tell him as I roll my feet with a massage ball. "I’m sitting down, I’m relaxing, plus homework is still a thing for me.”

“Of course, but I don’t want to you fall into the routine of doing things you shouldn’t be. A massage ball turns into stretching, which turns into a full-on yoga or pilates work out etc,” he tells me.

“So did you come up here to tell me to behave, or is there another reason?” I ask him curtly.

“Your mother and I have been talking,” He says as he sits down at my desk looking impeccably like a Doctor at that moment. I knew whatever was coming I wouldn’t like.

“About what? I ask him trying not to look away from my computer screen.

“We think that seeing a therapist might benefit you,” he comes out and says it so casually. It's always rather frightening how he’s able to be so non-judgemental or biased over something.

“I don’t need a therapist, I’m fine,” I stress to him.

“We just think it would be good for you to talk to someone, too process things more maybe? To be able to talk about things? There has been a lot of changes and more to come, it might be beneficial for you?” He tells me.

“I don’t need to talk to anyone,” I repeat loudly. “I’m not some head case that needs to talk to a shrink who will never understand me, but pretend that she does?” I retort. “Do I even have a choice in the matter, or is this you telling me I’m going?” I look at him with the hazel eyes that I got from him.

“Rilla,” My dad starts.

“Do I have a choice, or is the choice already made for me?” I ask pushing my computer to the side and kick aside my foot massager before I stand up.

“You always have a choice,” Dad said looking back at me. “We are just trying to help you if you would just consider it?” he tacks on like the father he was.

“I’m not going,” I tell him with a shake of my head. I watch him sigh and slowly stand back up.

“Well, don’t stay up too late. Just because you don’t have to go to school doesn’t mean we want you up all night,” he tells me before leaving my room without shutting the door.

I huff as I sit down on my bed, legs drawn up to my chest as much as they will go. Still angry and annoyed at the suggestion. I stewed for a long moment before I received a shark kick at how I was sitting.

“Fine, Fine, I will sit nicely for you,” I tell my bump as I re-situate myself for her comfort. 

* * *

Thank you all for the comments on the last chapter, they really do mean the world to me that you take the time to tell me what you think of what happens with them. This is filled with little things, which I hope I did justice.

Thank you to Alinyaalethia who graciously schools in the world of Tolkien lol and buffy since it’s been so long since I watched it! 

Rilla is dealing with hormones, poor Ken is probably exhausted from pretending like everything is fine and dandy. I have come to the realization that Rilla sees Ken in such a way because of the age difference. He's older, he's technically an adult, she sees him as such when he not running away from this. He is struggling but he also feels like he not allowed to show that to Rilla, hence why Ken is very much the good guy right now. It's overcompensation but also the reality of how Rilla views him being older than her and it may take her a while to realize that Ken is very much overwhelmed by everything as well even if he is an 'adult' to her. 

I hope everyone had a lovely week! I sure did! plenty of sewing of tutus and did some dying at work and apparently, we are making 3000 masks start next week at the Ballet! So much sewing!

Tina 


	16. Notes of the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluttering Fresnels Playlist
> 
> Cruel Summer- Taylor Swift  
> Night Changes-One Direction  
> Love me Like you do- Ellie Goulding  
> Shape of you-Ed Sheeran  
> When it all falls apart-The Veronicas  
> Shoulda Been Simple-Marie Digby  
> Style-Taylor Swift  
> Perfect-Marianas Trench  
> When the Love Fall, Wait There, and Kiss the Rain by Yiruma.

The sound of piano drifted from its spot in the dining room as I was lying in my bed upstairs. I try to place the last time I heard the piano being played but realized he must only play when I was at school.

I roll myself off my bed and wander down the stairs, listening to him play. I hummed along, knowing the song was by Yiruma was who a Korean composer.

I sit beside him on the bench and lean my head on his shoulder listening to the piano. He was the musical one of the family. It started when Nan and Di wanting piano lessons which never took off, but Shirley watched them and picked up enough to play the songs. Much like my own way with dance. Shirley could hear a song and play it back on the piano maybe an hour later on the piano. He could read music of course, and he had his certificates from the conservatory of music, but his talent laid in the fact he could play by ear.

“I miss hearing you play,” I tell him. “Does Wynnie know?”

“She knows,” Shirley responded with a nod of his head.

“How did you meet?” I ask him realizing I had no idea when they even started dating really.

“We met at a friend's place when I was messing about on the drum kit in his garage.” He said as he went into another song that I didn’t know. Shirley could play a handful of instruments at this point. Piano, drums, and a tenor sax from his time in high school band. “She likes when I play for her.” He adds with a small smile on his face.

“Well, you are the best out of us kids,” I say. “Even she likes it,” I tell him rubbing my belly.

“Does she?” He says as he moves into another song, this one called Wait There, again by Yiruma. A song I danced for a recital, which he had played for me.

“Give me your hand?” I tell him and he gives me a look. “She won’t bite, not yet anyway,” I joke.

He stops playing with his right hand and lets me place it on the spot where she feels the most active. He hits a few more keys and receives a small series of kicks.

“That is something else, does she does that all the time?” Shirley asks me with a look of disbelief on his face.

“She does sleep or have quiet moments,” I explain to him as I play a few keys. I tap out one of the few songs that I know. Heart and soul the ever so popular kids duets. Shirley joined on my next round of the melody as we fall into sync as we play the out the song.

“What does it feel like to you?” Shirley asks quietly.

“It’s weird,” I tell him honestly. “I can almost tell how she positioned from where her movement is now though.”

“Ken’s felt it?”

I hum and nod my head.

“What up with the two of you?” Shirley asks gruffly.

“We’re just friends trying to figure things out,” I tell him simply.

“Yet you kissed him,” He raises an eyebrow at me for a split second. I shrug my shoulder, letting my curly hair fall in my face. Shirley being who he is begins another familiar song he once taught the upper melody to. I fall into place with him as he gets to a spot where I know to come in at. It’s not a duet but he made it one for me and we play it decently well for my lack of practice.

“Have you done many things for the dance kids this year?” I ask him curiously. He used to mix most of my competition music for me for fun. When another parent asked where they got the cd from they explained that Shirley did it for me. Since then he makes money during the year putting together music for dance competitions. Often it's medleys or mash-ups were needed.

“Made a couple hundred,” he says nodding his head as we played through the song.

“Do you want to be a teacher?” I ask him, thinking about his own time he spent in college.

“It’s a job that I can pay the bills with. As much as I love mixing and producing tracks. Music engineering isn’t easy of a scene to break into? Although I minor in computer engineering though, which at least makes school interesting to me.” I nod my head frowning. At least I wasn’t the only one who had to fight for their dreams. Except for at least and Shirley and Di’s cases, they managed to get what they wanted somehow. “Plus it will take Wynnie about five years to finish her degree at the UofPEI, so it’s giving me something to do? Maybe we’ll move to Toronto or Vancouver and try to get a job at a record label or something later down the road?”

“You really love her don't you?” I ask, and I see him blush and stop playing, but nods his head. He begins to play once more. “You guys are safe right?” I ask him joking.

“Very funny." Shirley gives me a look. "Thanks to you, I got another talk after Thanksgiving from your bombshell of news. With her with me, I never did thank you for that.” He gave me a brotherly look of annoyance.

“I’m sorry for that,” I tell him with a frown. “Can you play, When the Love Falls?” I ask him.

“Fine, but I don’t understand why you love that song so much?” he smiles at me but begins to play.

“It’s pretty and sad all at the same time,” I tell him. “Plus you can play it much better than I can.”

“Just listen,” Shirley shushes me and I lay my head on his ever-moving shoulder once more. I know the melody but heart, it’s ingrained into my memory of my mind and feet. I can still feel myself dancing it on stage. The memory is so far away, yet still real and fresh in my mind. It haunts my dreams.

Later after he goes to work I find the videos of me dancing, references to spot my troubled areas. I have notes on every video. They seem so old now as I watch them, listening to the music, feet moving, toes pointing as I watch myself. Dressed up in a tutu, tiara and bun, the piano is slow and haunting as I reach out for the ghost I am looking for.

Maybe more than I could have ever thought?

I can feel him before I see him as he stands there watching the T.V screen as I dance. Step by step, pirouette and arabesque around the stage. Flittering around, searching for the thing that I lost, no one understands the pain beneath it all. The emotions on my face as I dance through bleeding blisters and cracked toenails. How awful I felt that day, I skipped lunch trying to appear at slim as I possibly could for that performance.

He sits down as it fades into the next video of me in the studio, Shirley on the piano in the corner as he plays ‘Wait There’. Dressed in nothing more than a leotard and old beat-up leg warmers and tights. My shoes are frayed and stained, dying with each leap or bourrée I do. Still the I have the serene look on my face as I feel the music, my leg extended far outs as I hold there until I tremble, waiting for the music to fade back in. I see the sweat soaking through my leotard by the end of it, this was the third take trying to get it right. At the end, I am sitting on the floor in front of the camera before Shirley goes into another song. I watch myself look at the camera as if I was judging myself as I poked the rolls of my stomach before I sigh and give the camera a look before I start another round of rehearsal.

“I didn’t know you were that good?” He says mulling over his choice of words, still watching me dance to quiet music on the screen. “Granted I don’t know much about ballet, though why aren’t you in actual ballet school. They have them in Toronto and Winnipeg, don’t they? I swore that I heard Walter say you auditioned before?”

I frown looking down at my feet. “I did audition back in spring of grade nine and I got in, but with everyone in college, it was too expensive. Tuition, dorms, shoes, uniforms…it was quickly vetoed.” I say quietly. “Plus I’m not that great, These videos are full of mistakes,” I tell him trying to play it off like it hurt less than it did. Of course, what I don’t tell him I have them written all down. Every missed count, wobble, cover-ups for when I misstepped. I even criticized my own body about how my tights dig into my waistline. I measured myself every day trying to lose that half an inch that I want to lose. It tortured me for weeks to lose those five pounds.

Not that I would say that out loud to anyone, those are hidden away in notebooks.

He merely hums. I wonder if he will ask the same question I get from my old dance mates. Why give it up? I watch him for a moment before I realize he won't ask. Which I am thankful for because I don’t think I could truly explain it to him if he did.

“I didn’t realize you were coming over?” I look at him.

“Your appointments today isn’t it?” He looks at me.

“My appointment is tomorrow,” I shake my head. “Pretty sure it is, as I get up and wander over to the kitchen. I look at the calendar which I had written it down in so my parents would now. “It’s on tomorrow, it’s Wednesday,” I tell him.

“No pretty sure it is Thursday,” he says shaking his head with a smile. Holding up his phone for me to see the date, for the first time notice his background was an ultrasound photo.

I look back at the time. “I guess I will go get dressed then.”

“What's wrong with what you’re wearing?” He looks at me wearing my polka dot jumpsuit that Joy had got me.

“Unless you want to see me in my bra and potentially underwear during the scan? I should probably change,” I told him giving him a look.

“Right,” He says nodding his head, his neck going red.

I head up the stairs and change into my pair of jeans and a tee-shirt for the appointment. I managed to tug on a pair of socks and grab my purse from beside my bed and made sure that I had my health card.

He was waiting by the door when I can down the stairs. I run to check the backdoor making sure it was locked and grab my set of house keys so I can lock the front door on the way out.

I slide into the car, shivering at the cold as Ken turns on the heater and lets the car warm up for a good minute before he pulls out of the driveway.

“About New Years,” Ken said as we hit the first stop sign.

“Oh please don’t remind me,” I blush to let my hair fall over my face.

“We need to talk about it,” he responds. “Look I’m not mad or anything, as you said it was New Years'. I am sure that whatever hormones that are running through you right now hasn’t helped,” He tells me as he concentrates on the road. “But I do know you used to follow Walter and me around, and sure it was cute because you were young and all. I just don’t want you to think I am whoever you have built me up to be in your head? It’s one of the things mom warned me about when I talked to her about you and the baby. Does that make sense?”

I can only nod my head.

“So you do like me?” I ask him without thinking.

“Rilla, I picked you out in a crowd that night,” he settles with trying to tell me without telling me. “If I told you were the prettiest thing I saw that night, purple hair and all, would make you feel weird?” He asks me. I only shake my head at him, the whole situation surpassed weird a while ago for me. “It’s just complicated that’s all, you’re young and parts me say well, it already happened, what's the difference? Then New Years just reminded me how easy it is to forget things sometimes I forget you’re only sixteen and I can’t do that to you. Yet at the same time, I can’t just appear waiting for you to turn a certain age because that just makes it worse in my mind. I just want us to be both sure when we make that sort of decision. This isn’t just about us, we have to think what is best in the long run for her.” He tells me.

“So you want to be sure that I’m not just going to wake up one morning after she is born and realize that I hate everything about you?” I ask him.

“I just want you to be sure of what you want with nothing influencing your decisions.” He responded with a shake of his head. “I want to be sure that this isn’t just because of the baby.”

“Sounds fair enough,” I say quietly. “So how does this friend's thing work?” I ask him.

“What do you mean?” he responds as he crosses the bridge that brings us into Charlottetown.

“Might come as a shock but I don’t have guy friends. If I did, it was for a hot moment which was more of a watching them sweat at hockey practice, pretending I understand the game. While most of the time, we ended up making out afterwards. Even ballet boys, the ones who are straight. It’s all sweet talk to see how many leotards they can get into.”

“Well, it’s no different from making friends with a girl. You talk, make connections of similar interests, maybe for us we try to talk about other things, then just the baby.” He says.

“We should probably find a name one day for her,” I tell him automatically.

“We will in time,” he chuckles shaking his head and I blush, he says to not use the baby for conversation and what do I go and do? Ask about baby names!

Luckily we pulled into the hospital and Ken grabbed the folder of papers the doctor had given him previously to fill out. We walk down to the elevator and up to the maternity wing. Letting them know I was here we sat down and waited.

“So what do I need to learn about you then?” I ask him. “Who is Kenneth Wayne Ford these days? Also Wayne?”

“It was my grandfather's name, though really how can you judge me Marilla?” Ken smirks at me and I scrunch up my nose. “What do you want to know?” He asks me.

“Why did you choose history?” I ask him, trying to figure out my own life was hard enough, it made me wonder how others choose their passions.

“I like reading about things long past. There is so much knowledge that we have seemed to have forgotten about that society can benefit from,” he tells me simply.

“I wish I could like history, or at the very least not struggle with dates of things. Though I struggle with most school subjects.” I tell him honestly.

“You struggle with school?” He says asking his question.

I shrug. “A bit? I am good a French, I like French actually, probably since there's a lot of French in Ballet. It’s just like I have the lack of will to apply myself? I get by on the bare minimum my parents want out of me most of the time when it comes to school? Oh, and math, of course, I am in the depths of despair with math.” I tell him. “If I showed you my homework, you would probably laugh.”

“Why would anyone laugh at someone for not understanding something?” Ken frowned.

“My math tutor did more than once,” I tell him honestly. “I failed math last year, which is why I am retaking it. Though I thought it would cause my parents to have a heart attack when they saw my report card. I don’t think anyone has ever failed a class in my family.”

“Well, that isn’t a good tutor then,” Ken responds after a moment. “I can try and help you, but I’m not sure how much good I will be.”

“At this point, anything will help, you can only cheat if your neighbour is good at math.” I joke, letting out an awkward laugh. “And you can’t really cheat when you’re doing it by yourself at home.”

“Rilla Blythe,” I hear my name be called. I look at Ken as we both stand up and head towards the nurse who was waiting for us.

She goes through the basics with me, checking my weight and blood pressure before leaving us in the room alone together as we wait for the doctor.

“Welcome back daddy,” My doctor says to Ken as she enters the room. “How were your holidays?” She asks us.

“Fine, I guess?” I tell her as Ken nods his head.

“I have the papers from last time,” Ken said handing them over to her.

“Perfect,” she said setting them aside. Looking over my test results quickly and typing things out.

“I told you last time that this appointment would contain the dreaded glucose test. You’ll need to drink this, usually, I would allow you to go out to the park and enjoy the fresh air, but since it is winter I doubt you would enjoy that. So you can sit in the waiting room if you wish,”

I nod my head, she has me lay back on the bed as she measures my stomach over and around. Asking if I had experienced anything out of the ordinary since my day in the hospital. I shake my head.

“Your fundal measurement is above average, generally at this point, we say 24 inches for 24 weeks. You’re 25,” she explains to me. “Given the height of your boyfriend, we may have a bigger baby on our hands. Which unfortunately for you being petite may be harder on you than we would like. If she gets too big we may want to look into a c-section.”

“Wouldn’t that cut through all my stomach muscles?” I ask her with wide eyes. Completely glazing over the fact she thought Ken was my boyfriend.

“We can discuss the pro and cons later on,” she tells me as she looks at my weight the nurse took when I came in.

“I also see that you gained five pounds since last month, congratulations,” She says with a smile.

“Well, I can’t do much other than eat and watch Netflix,” I say pointing out the obvious to her. Ignoring Ken who looks to me. It was the second time my weight has been mentioned in his presence.

“Have you been keeping your journal?” She asked me. I sigh and pull it out for her. I see Ken's head tilt at the sight of my bullet journal that I pulled from my bag.

“Well, it’s better than before,” She tells me. “I would still like you to try to add a few more calories onto your days.” She told me. “Even just a small snack before bed would make me feel better. Anything else changes or happen since last week?” She asks us.

I only shake my head. “Okay well, we will go ahead with the scan, and then I’ll have you do the glucose test,” she says to us. “She’s been moving around?”

“Like a fish, I feel like she just somersaulted in there,” I tell her as I pull up my shirt to just under my ribcage

She smiles and nods her head, moving out of the way for the ultrasound technician to make her way into the room. It only takes a moment before the heartbeat turns on suddenly. Rapid as a galloping horse and within a few seconds, the picture comes to life.

She stays silent as she watches the screen, talking to the technician here and there for photos.

They wait a few minutes before turning to us.

“Everything is looking good so far, it doesn’t look like there was any placenta separation it appears normal which is what I like to see. I know you won’t like that but for your own safety and your child. Dance is off the table until you're cleared to your 6-week postpartum check-up. You can continue with leisurely afternoon walks, even some prenatal yoga if you wish to, but nothing over the top or strenuous. You may go back to school and work as long as you don't overwork yourself, but whatever the reason this happened. We cannot let it repeat.” She explains looking at me straight in the eye. “You need to take care of yourself for the next sixteen weeks.”

“I understand,” I say quietly.

“Good, I want to see another 3 or 4 pounds from you when you come in three weeks.” She says before turning to Ken. “I expect you to keep an eye on her and not let her do so much.”

“We don’t live together,” I tell her.

“Either way, it’s his job to support you and help you. I suggest you go to the bathroom before the glucose test,” She tells me. I roll myself off the bed, Ken holding his hands to help me stand up. I quickly go pee and come back to Ken sitting there as she looked over his sheets.

“So just your father’s Lyme disease which was treated, and hepatitis from overuse of Tylenol?” She read off his paperwork. “Along with breast cancer on your mother's side of the family.”

“Sounds about right?” Ken said. “That's what they said anyway,” he says turning to look at me.

The doctor nodded and set aside the papers and handed me over the bottle of orange liquid. The drink was the sweetest thing I had in a long while and all I wanted to do was to gag while drinking it. I didn't even drink pop these days.

I made a face and handed it back empty which she placed on the counter and we made our way back to the small waiting area where several ladies in various stages were sitting.

“So you’ve been watching Buffy?” He asks as we sit back down.

“Olivia told me I should see it, it’s not bad,” I tell him honestly.

“Persis watched it a lot, she loves Whedon,” He laughs about. “Firefly is good, short-lived but it was good.”

I look at him confused. “I don’t know who Whedon, or what firefly is? I lived under a rock which was ballet for most of my tween and teenage life. You saw the videos, you don’t do that without practice.” I remind him.

“Then why were you at that party?” He asks quietly. “From what I knew from Walter, you lived breathed ballet. You didn’t do much of anything else, or so he thought anyway.”

“Rena and Ellie, were seniors to my grade ten and they treated me I don’t know as if I was their little pet? I was popular with them, everyone wants to be popular. Next thing Fred is telling me he thinks I’m pretty and that I should come to his hockey practice and we were dating. Next thing I was trying to balance life and dancer and failing math class miserably. Then school ended and we broke up and I went to summer intensive which I only got to go to because it was already paid for and non-refundable. When I came back, the twins were working their jobs and Walter stayed in Halifax. Shirley was here and there." I spot for a moment looking down at my boots. "Rena and Ellie were just there…so I just went with it. I wanted to be like them so followed their lead, if vodka was passed around. I drank. If someone passed me a joint I smoked it. If people jumped into the water in their birthday suit…well I did that too.” I said quietly. “That night though, that was the only time I had done something like that. If anything Rena tended to keep a fairly close eye on me at parties. She didn’t let guys get too close to me, while Ellie on the other hand didn’t care what I did.” I explained to him.

He nods his head.

“So essentially I ended up being part and subsequently ending your teenage rebellion all in one night?” He said with a wry smile.

“I think the broken condom ended my teenage rebellion,” I retorted matter of factly.

“Fair enough,” he said as we both turned at my name being called. “If I had known something happened, I would have warned you or suggested some sort of backup.”

“I know,” I say quietly as we both get up once more. “But it’s not just your fault. I could have just asked to get plan B, but I didn’t.”

I watch nod his head as we enter the exam room once more and the doctor pricks my finger and uses the blood sugar metre to test my blood.

“Looks good, make an appointment before you leave for three weeks.” She tells me. “Oh, and maybe talk to your mom about birth plans, next appointment will begin talking about what you want out of the experience. It might be good for you to have a few ideas when you come in?" She tells me.

I nod my head and Ken presses his hand to my back as we turn and leave the room. 16 weeks. I was more than halfway through at this point.

* * *

Thank you all for the lovely comments from the last chapter. I have a busy weekend so I am putting this up a night early. Enjoy! 

Thank you all to my lovely friends Alinya and Kslchen who gave me some much-needed help in their respective areas. 

Things are moving along and I hope I am doing it justice. Things will take time but they are at the point where things are less awkward and they are learning to talk to each other!

Tina


	17. Concerned Citizens

Updating early because I woke up to frozen water pipes at 5 am and still waiting for someone to come and try to fix things for us. Side note, while I love Buffy and Firefly, they are fully disconnected from the man who created them in my mind. 

So enjoy! 

* * *

“Rilla Blythe, please report to the principles office,” the intercom rang out in my class. The entire class turns to look at me. I hear people snicker, when I showed up at school a week after school started, it caused a stir. Apparently, they thought I had either had a miscarriage or was sent away. The teacher gives me a look of pity as I grab my bag and leave the room.

I walked to my mother's office, nodding to the secretary as I knock on the door.

“Rilla, please come sit,” my mother speaks up and I noticed a female police officer in the room sitting in another chair. “Officer McClean wishes to ask you a few questions.” My mother says as she shuts her office door for privacy.

“Do you wish for your mother to stay?” The lady cop asks me.

“Uhh, yeah it’s fine,” I tell her and I can see mom sigh in relief, “umm… what's this about?” I turn to the cop.

“Well, we had a concerned citizen call in, they were worried about your well-being,” she began. “And the possibility of an inappropriate relationship?” She looks at me kindly.

I instantly know it’s about Ken, It’s about him being the father of my child.

“If this about Kenneth Ford,” I say to her with a squeak. “It’s not all that it appears to be.” I try to explain to her.

“Is he not the father of your child?”

I can only nod my head.

“You’re 16?” She asks, I see my birthday written down on a piece of paper with my name. Beneath mine was Ken's name and birthday. “He’s 22, we just want to make sure that you weren’t pressured or mislead.”

“You think he pressured me?” I say in disbelief. “You think he misleads me? I was drunk! He was drunk! He hadn’t seen me in years! I was the annoying kid who followed him around when he hung out with my older brother!”

The officer frowns at my hysterics. “We are just responding to a call nothing more.”

“He’s a decent guy, who despite finding out that he’s about to be a father from our drunken stupidity isn’t running away!” I exclaim loudly. Unconsciously wrapping my arms around my growing stomach. I felt like I needed to protect her from whatever was being said. She could hear us, that was something Olivia had told me when I had turned 24 weeks.

“You have to understand how it looks to us, Miss Blythe. It was barely three weeks after your sixteen birthday, he’s twenty-two. Yes, the age of consent is sixteen, but given the close proximity of birthday and your conception date it does look suspicious.” The officer explained. “Did he ever contact you prior to the party? Talk to you on the phone? Email you?”

“No, no and no!” I shoot up from my seat. “The only person he ever talked to is Walter. We weren’t even friends on Facebook, or Twitter or anything! God he barely even uses Facebook. I don’t even think we’re friends on it. The last time we saw each other I had been twelve years old, before that I had been ten! He only ever saw me as his friend's annoying little sister. I won’t have you accuse him of being a predator, he was surprised just as much as I was that morning. I still can see the guilt in his eyes every time he looks at me.”

“Rilla,” My mother finally speaks up. “Please sit and calm down, Officer McClean is just doing her job. Your relationship with Ken is strange on to the outside world.”

“What relationship! We never dated, we had one night where we exchanged some bodily fluids, that's it! I don’t even know what we are at this moment? Friends with a baby on the way? Trying to figure out how to deal with this situation. How to be parents! I need to get out of here,” I exclaim snatching up my books and slamming the door on my way out.

“Rilla!” I hear my mother call out but I ignore her.

I grab my coat from my locker which thankfully was on the same floor and leave by one of the many side doors of the school. The wind was cold as I wrap my scarf around my neck and pull on my gloves.

Ken.

Oh God if they were talking to me!

I walk as fast as I can to the nearest bus stop. Digging through my pockets for my bus pass hoping that it would come soon. I pull out my phone ignoring the missed call from my mother and numerous text messages as I pull out the transit app. Three minutes, I sigh to myself, at least the bus would bring me relatively close to Ken’s new apartment.

The driver says nothing to me about not being in school as I swipe my monthly pass at the machine. I make my way and I take the first seat available pulling off my small backpack in the process. I wipe away the stray tears with a glove and pull out my headphones and plug them into my phone and turn on my music.

I stepped off the bus and looked up at the building Ken now lived in. Was he even home? What if he wasn’t? I look down at my phone and pressed the message icon. Still feeling strange to see Ken in there, as I pressed it.

‘ **Are you home?’**

 **‘I am, why? Is everything all right?’** His response was prompt.

 **‘I’m downstairs,’** I text him back and two minutes later he appeared at the door opening it for me.

“What's wrong? Why aren’t you at school?” He asked me as he led me into the building and up the stairs.

“Has anyone called you, or came to talk to you?” I ask him.

“No, why?” He looked at me curiously as he opened the door to his place. It was nothing crazy, rather normal apartment from what I could tell. I had never been in it before now, he had pointed it out on a drive here and there but it was the first time I was in it.

I take off my jacket and hang it off one of the mismatched chairs at the small table he had found at a thrift shop. He didn’t say much about his parents and their thoughts about the situation since they left. Our moms spent more time talking to each other about the situation than we did.

It was a full circle of disappointment, but unlike myself, Ken could potentially distance himself from his parents. I on the other hand was sort of stuck with them with nowhere to go, or money. I sat down on the couch in the fairly bare living room. A PlayStation and tv he brought from Toronto were set up, a stack of games beside it from the Ikea table he had brought as well.

“What's going on Rilla?” He asks as he brings me a cup of tea and I hold it warming up my hands.

“I think my doctor called the police as a concerned citizen after she saw how old you were last week. I was called out of class, and mom was talking to this officer when I went to her office. Next thing I know I was being asked all these questions. If you contacted me ever like you're some sort of perverse guy who preys on teenage girls.” I tell him. “It made me so angry. It’s not like it’s enough that we’re both feel guilty or unsure how to even bring this child into the world in this messed up situation. No! They had to insinuate that you planned it!”

Ken sat down next to him with a sigh. “Well, I can’t say I wasn’t expecting something like this to happen.”

“You expected it?” I look at him.

“Well, I knew it could be a possibility, what three weeks after your birthday Rill? Someone at some point was going to say something about it.” He said before looking at the ceiling. We sit in silence with our tea. “Dad warned me about it as well.”

“Do you want to get out of your uniform?”

“I don’t have a change of clothes, I didn’t think I would be walking out of school today,” I sigh.

“I can lend some?” Ken told me getting up and walking over to his room. I wait a moment before I get up and follow him. An old dresser and double bed with some books on the bedside table next to an iPad.

Ken passes me a pair of Roots sweat pants that have a drawstring at the waist and cuffs at the bottom and a grey tee-shirt that had the band, Queen, on it. He shuts the door on his way out leaving me to change. I pull at my blouse and unbutton it, shrugging out of it as wiggle out of my skirt that I decided to wear today with a pair of thick fleece-lined leggings.

Joy had found me the skirt in her shopping, it was stretchy and plaid like our school uniform and gave me something other than pants to wear. I sit down discard my leggings and pull on the sweats that awkwardly sit across my stomach until I push the waistband under. They were long and a bit baggy on me but they were warm and not my uniform. I take the shirt that was abit loose and comfortable and undoubtedly long on my short frame but it smelt like him. I fold my uniform and place it on his dresser before opening the door.

I find Ken in the small kitchen cutting up vegetables on a cutting board. “What are you doing?” I ask him.

“I was going to make up some grilled cheeses, but then of course you don’t eat cheese much so I thought maybe a salad?”

“Grilled cheese is fine Ken,” I tell him quietly when I see a loaf of rye bread instead of white.

“Then grilled cheese it is,” he smiles at me and turns back into the fridge for the cheese and grabs a loaf of rye bread. We make lunch together quietly, he leaves me to the salad as he cooks up the sandwiches on the stove. I hear my phone go off three times in my bag. If Ken notices he doesn’t say anything.

“What will you do if they find out where you are?” I ask him.

“I texted dad about it, though I have nothing to hide so if they want to search my computer they can do so?” He replies as grabs two plates from the cupboard next to him. “Ketchup?”

“Is there any other way to eat a grilled cheese?” I ask him.

“Fair enough,” he laughs and grabs a container of salad dressing from the fridge as he is in there. “I only have Italian?”

“It’s all right, I prefer dry salad actually unless you have some lemons lying around?” I tell him with a shake of my head. Ken shakes his head.

“No lemons sadly, actually I need to get some more groceries.” He tells me as I take the plate he offers me and one of the salads I had made. I watch him add some dressing on to his before he motions over towards the couch.

“Well, since you are here,” he says as he turns on his tv.

I pick at my salad, confused until I see him bring up firefly on Netflix. I shake my head at him, but say nothing as the episode begins. I take alternate bites of my lunch, nibbling on the sandwich. I see Ken watching me and I make an effort to eat more on my next bite, he already knows too much in my mind.

“So cowboys meet star trek?” I ask him halfway through the episode. “Space Cowboys?”

“Pretty much,” he nods, at some point he’s watching me watch it, more than he is watching it himself. Suddenly his phone rings, we both look at each other and look at it. I see my father's name flash on the screen.

“Dr. Blythe,” Ken answers the phone after giving me a quick glance. “No, she’s here. She was worried that they came here,” He explained which had been true. “Not yet, but I haven’t been able to change my license or address yet.” There was a short pause. “Rilla told me she thinks it was her doctor, it was the only person that recently found out?”

He watches me watch him talk. I was still surprised that my father had called him. They talk for another moment before Ken told him that he would bring me home later on. At this point, I had finished my lunch and was writing it into my small journal. I looked up when I felt him watching me. I shyly hide my journal from him shutting it.

“This whole vegetarian, dancer, thing,” he pieces together a sentence. “I don’t know much about that world. But I know that they say eating disorders are prominent—,” he starts.

I stare at him for a moment. I don’t think anyone had ever said such a thing to me out loud. Which meant I never had to admit the insane obsession I had over my weight. Which also was the hardest thing about this pregnancy for me to deal with.

“You think I have an eating disorder?” I ask him, wondering he would repeat himself or chicken out.

I watched him nod his head after a moment.

“I just like eating healthy,” I settle with. “It’s not like I make myself throw up I’m not bulimic, I’m far from being anorexic. My dad would send me to the clinic to stay if he ever thought I was that way.”

I watch Ken mull over what I told him but nod his head. “All right,” he says. He looks unsatisfied but drops the subject. I suddenly was afraid that he would see right through me. See past all my tricks and lies I used when it came to food that no one else seemed to pick up on yet.

“I’m not,” I repeat myself to him and he nods his head to me once more. “I’m fine,” I stress to him.

He nods his head before he before going back to the show. I take out plates into the kitchen and wash them and leave them in the drying rack.

I can hear his telephone ring once more and answers it.

“Of course, yes I am interested. I wasn’t expecting a call so soon,” he said into the line.

“I can that do that day,” he says. “10 am is perfect,

“I got an interview at the Museum, my professor from school gave me a connection and got my resume pushed at the right person.” He said with a huge grin on his face as he comes over to me.

“That's good!” I say trying to match his enthusiasm for it.

“It is, knowing people is one the easiest ways to find a job most of the time,” he tells me with another nod that moves his dark hair. He looked so relieved and happy, it gives me flashbacks of his face back when I used to follow him around.

We both sober slightly at the tight confines of the small kitchen.

“She’s happy for you,” I tell him breaking the silence.

“I hope she is, someone has to buy her diapers and teddy bears,” he says with a crooked smile. “Should we try and do your math homework?”

“I suppose so,” I say with a sigh.

We end up sitting at his small table, my books in front of us as I try and work through my homework.

“I don’t get it,” I groan into my arm. “It’s all just numbers and letters and numbers and letters should never be together!”

“Just follow me okay,” Ken says trying to get my attention as he works through the problem with me. We sat at his table as he tries to help me with my math homework.

I am at the point of tears, I feel so stupid that I couldn’t grasp it. I watch him go through it once by himself and double-checking the answer at the back of the book before he grabbed a fresh piece of paper.

“Look, step by step,” he tells me “You know of Bidmas?” He says to me. “Start with the brackets, then the indices or powers, divide and multiply, add and subtract,” he tells me.

“How do you know this? No one has ever taught me this!”

“I liked math?” Ken says.

“So you’re just a genius?”

“I am no genius,” Kens smiles slightly. “Mostly because I have no idea what your teacher gave you for your next question. It doesn’t even make sense!”

“It’s a review of the semester, but how do you not know it! You passed high school!

“In the words of my father to my mother when she asks him something he doesn't know. ‘Just because I am older doesn’t mean I have all the answers, I am just older, not smarter.'"

"Well that's not fair," I make a face and sigh looking back down at my homework. 

Ken drops me off shortly after five pm. I awkwardly hug him goodbye before raced inside to get out of the cold January weather.

I dropped my bag and wandering into the kitchen where I found Dad drinking a cup of coffee as he was making dinner.

“Your home,” He comments looking over my appearance but says nothing about the obvious change of clothing.

“Ken told you he would drive me home,” I tell him and he nods his head. 

“What did you do?” Dad asks me as he takes the chicken from the oven and sets down the pan on the stovetop to cool.

“Watched some tv, ate lunch, he helped me with my math homework,” I tell him as I spy a large mushroom on another tray.

“Where’s mom?” I asked curiously.

“She has a board meeting, she should be home in a few minutes. She texted to say start without her so it doesn’t get cold on us.”

I nod my head. “You work tonight?”

“Tomorrow morning,” he shakes his head.” Normal clinic hours,” he explains.

“Do you think I can get a new doctor?”I ask my dad when we sit at the dinner table. On my plate are my grilled mushroom and a quinoa salad.

“I can call around if it makes you more comfortable not going back to her, but you don’t know if it was her or not. It could have been a nurse,” My dad reminds me.

“I just don’t trust them right now,” I tell him quietly.

“I’ll see what I can do then,” he tells me with a small smile and I nod my head and nibble on my dinner.

“What was it like for you, back then with Joy, when Mom was pregnant? You were are school?” I asked quietly. He looks at me, trying to figure out what to say.

“Well, I was at Redmond and when your mom called me. I hung up and cried, it felt like the world was caving in.” He says setting down his fork. I didn’t expect such honesty from him for some reason. “I didn’t know what to do or say, I barely money for gas most weeks. I started working odd jobs here and there just to be able to drive back and forth more often. I didn’t get a chance to go to many appointments, but I was there when she was born.” My dad said as he recalled those early days.

“My mother, your grandmother gave me her engagement ring, to give to your mom. That way we didn’t need to buy one, it was my dad who bought our wedding rings for us as a gift when we got married at city hall during reading week.” He says next. Grandma and Grandpa Blythe passed away when I was little so I have little recollection of them.

“Joy’s first year, your Aunt Marilla found a place in Kingsport. She watched Joy as we went to school, then afterwards Joy was in subsidized daycare.” He said. “When I finished my bachelor's, I started applying for medical school. Your mother still had two years left on her bachelor's and still had to get her education degree. Thankfully I got into Dalhousie. Otherwise, we would have had to be long-distance or possibly we would have had to move and your mother try to transfer school. Those years weren’t easy at all. All we could afford was a one-bedroom apartment, Joy was little so it didn’t matter much where she slept for the first little while.”

I frown I knew most of this and not exactly what I was looking for as an answer.

“You’re wondering about Ken?” He asks after a moment.

“It just seems like he’s uprooting his whole entire life for this,” I say quietly. “It makes me feel guilty, I guess?”

“No one forcing him to do this,” My dad reminded me. I almost protest that Owen could technically force Ken to be here. “How about this, you are not forcing him to be here, he’s doing this for himself because he feels like he should. If anything if I had to respect him for something lately it would be standing up and doing the right thing.”

Why was it always called doing the right thing for the guy? When I was the girl in the situation is often felt like my right thing, wasn't what others thought was the right thing?

I only nod my head as I focused back on my salad, stabbing a piece of cucumber. Awkward silence filling up the kitchen once more.

“Do you wish you sent me to ballet school?” I asked him. “That this maybe wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t angry at the world?”

“We can’t talk about if’s, it happens,” he said sitting down his fork. “It is what it is.”

I sigh and push my plate away from me. I was ready to call it quits on dinner when dad gave me another look. I didn’t have time to protest as the backdoor opened one more.

“I’m sorry I am late, but the school board decided to have a private conversation with me today,” my mother greets us as she comes into the kitchen. “Oh dinner is ready to perfect, let me wash up.”

“What did the school board want?” My father asks her with a raised eyebrow.

“I will tell you about it later,” Mom tells him with a look while she glances over at me.

“It’s about me,” I say out loud and they both look at him.

“Of course it isn’t?” Mom says trying to brush off her shock.

“The school board wants to talk to you, hours after the police question me in school about my situation and Ken? You don’t have to lie, I’m not dumb. I know that it was any other student you would have had to report it. Much like the doctor did.”

“Either way I set them straight,” My mother retorts and I look down at my plate. “My job is safe, they can’t fire me over something trivial as a family issue. It’s not like we are catholic school.” She told us. “I told them it was a family matter that we are figuring out.”

I push back my plate and chair from the table, dinner still half uneaten.

“Rilla,” Mom warns me as she still wants to talk to me.

“I have homework,” I whine my response.

“Sit down,” Dad tells me sternly.

“You can’t run out of a school like that,” Mom tells me. “And you can’t just ignore our calls, we didn’t know where you had gone too.”

“We live on an island! How far can I get?” I say sarcastically.

“Rilla,” This time it was Dad's turn to warn me.

“I had to make sure he was all right, I had to warn him. He offered me a change of clothing and made me lunch,” I explain looking down at his sweatpants I was still wearing. “We watched some tv, he even helped me with my math homework,” I tell them.

“Rilla you aren’t in trouble, we just want you to understand that you should be careful. We’ve known Ken since he was born, but the fact of the matter is. He’s older than you, quite a bit at that. It isn’t two years or three years, it’s doubled.” Mom tells me looking at my father. “Crushes happen we get that, but as I said we want you to be careful. We don’t want you falling accidentally victim to some sort of authority imbalance, or complex with him. I know he’s careful and I know from Leslie he’s worried about it. We just want you to know that your own decisions are based on you alone. If he means what he says he’ll always be there for the baby, but you don’t have to try and make something work because you think it’s expected of you.”

“I know, we have talked about this, or we try anyway,” I tell them I see their brows raise slightly. “Why are you shocked that we talk about things? Either way, I know he’s worried about a power imbalance or something of the sort. Mainly he wants me to know what I want without any baby-influenced emotions. He says waiting for me to turn eighteen like it’s some magical number makes no sense and only makes it weirder to him.” I tell them

“What do you think?” My father asks me as he set down his fork.

“I think he has point,” I say with a small shrug. “Half of what I feel lately anyway is up and down. I don’t know if I’m overreacting or under-reacting because of the baby and really why is eighteen a magical number given our circumstances?” I take a bite of the mushroom I hadn’t touched yet and make face as soon as I chew it. “Oh no,” I say trying not to gag as I race towards the bathroom. Between the taste and texture, my stomach was heaving as it was rejecting the mushroom before I even managed to swallow it fully.

I can feel mom rub my back, and hold my hair out of my face. “I don’t like this,” I groan. “I hate throwing up.” I truly did, probably the one thing that kept me from doing worse to myself in the name of dance.

“Well, we’ll take mushrooms off the menu for you,” Dad says as he passes me a glass of what and I rinse out my mouth. “Do you think you can eat more dinner, or should I make you a protein shake?”

My face turns green at the thought of more dinner at the moment.

“Shake it is,” Dad says sympathetically with a nod of his head. “Your doctor mentioned that you were having trouble gaining weight at the hospital. So I will add some peanut butter powder for some extra calories and protein for you. Which was another discussion we wanted to have with you of why you never said anything about her concerns?”

I merely shrug, barely hearing his words as I sit on the edge of the tub. Looking down at Ken’s sweatpants and shirt I was wearing. "I guess I didn't want to worry you?" I say with a sigh. 

* * *

Well, keep me in your prayers that we get water back at some point this weekend! I asked around to my mama friends to find out what sort of information they take from daddy's and they would get his medical background and possibly his birthday. In something of this instance, if someone noticed and felt uncomfortable or worried for Rilla given the days between her birthday and when the little one was conceived, and they would call it in by law. So I ran with it! 

I also enjoy throwing whatever trope I can at Rilla and Ken.......Rilla wearing Kens clothes....check haha. 

I hope everyone has a good weekend and enjoyed this chapter I had great fun writing Gilbert this chapter and exploring some of his own memories of becoming a father. 

Tina 


	18. Ice cream honesty

February 2018  
28 Weeks. 

It was Friday evening when Mom decided it was time to start getting things for the nursery which brought us to BabiesRUS for the first time of my pregnancy. Just the same, Aunt Marilla had been hounding my mother to get me to build a registry. A call to Joy to see if she wanted to join us made it official, we were shopping after I finished work at 1pm. Mom picked me up afterwards, I had dressed in my pair of jeans and a polka dot top that seemed to emphasize the bump more than ever, or maybe it was just rounder than the day before? We met Joy at the store who was already setting up the registry in my name. The customer service girl smiled as she passed me the scanner and explained what to do. “Congratulations,” she finishes off with. 

I smile weakly. “Thanks,” I tell her and with that Joy brings me over to the aisle of clothing to get started. It was rather fun, picking out things, Joy was into everything and scanning anything cute. For someone who was adamant about not having children, she sure did like planning for them. 

“Will the two of you please pay attention for two minutes?” Mom speaks to us as we giggle over toys and little cat-eared hats.

“She would be adorable in this,” Joy says before turning to mom. “Wouldn’t she?” She held up a teddy bear snowsuit. “Seriously why didn’t I have cute baby clothes like this?”

“Because it was the 80’s and nothing was cute about the ’80s?” Mom replied to her. Which was partly true, even the dress mom got married in at eighteen was something else. Mrs. Lynde had made it since maternity wedding dresses weren’t a thing. It had puffed sleeves that matched Princess Diana, in an off-white colour. There was a photo of them dressed up at the courthouse, that hung up on the wall. While their actual wedding photos a year later were blown up and hung in the living room. “Plus, a lot of things were gifted to us. But you had some pretty dresses for Christmas and Easters, Matthew would buy the most impractical things and just dress you up in them.” 

“Uncle Matthew was awesome like that,” Joy said smiling. “I miss him, bless his soul.” 

“Oh he loved you dearly, he would have loved all of you dearly,” Mom said out loud. “But on to the list, we need a crib and bassinet,” she says looking at her phone and motions for her to follow us. 

“What's the difference, why both?” I ask confused. 

“Well, babies are too small to sleep in their cribs right away, so a bassinet is a good alternative for a few months,” Mom explains, shaking her head realizing I probably knew less than what she even thought I knew. 

“Okay, what about that one?” I point to the one on sale that had a floral pattern and two dangly flowers for the baby to try and play with. There were also some rather lace concoctions that screamed the victorian era and a few simple Moses baskets. I scanned the one I like the most that had a pink lining and mattress cover in it.

“Perfect and now what crib do you like?” Mom asked as we approached the area of display cribs. I look at her because the majority of them look much the same. 

“What does convertible mean?” I ask her.   
“They are supposed to convert to toddler beds and later be able to be used at the foot and headboards as the child grow. It's just a bunch of BS and a way to get you to spend more money later on. Of course, if you like one, a crib is a crib just don’t count on using it later,” Mom explains.   
I nod my head mom would know about baby things, she had seven of us after all. “Did you get new cribs with each of us?” 

“Oh goodness no, Jem and Walter used the same one, when we found out we were having twins, well we needed double of everything so we got another one. Which later you and Shirley used,” She told me as I look around, quietly running my hand on some of them. I end up on a soft light grey crib. It was simple and while not the cheapest it wasn’t the most expensive either. It also seemed to match my own bed in a way of colour. 

“I like this one?” I say unsure of what she would say about it. Was it too expensive?  
Mom looked towards me and looked over the crib I picked out. She nods her head as she assesses and looks at the price tag. “299, not bad,” she said as she snaps a photo of the tags on her phone and looks around for an employee but see no one. “There is a matching dresser and changing table as well,” she tells me pointing to them. 

“Here,” I look through my purse for the gift cards I got from family over Christmas. Cousin Dora and Davy had sent me them for Christmas. Davy and Dora were Uncle Matthew’s children, they live in various parts of Canada. Cousin Dora and her family lived out in Winnipeg, while Uncle Davy worked up in Northwest Territories so we didn’t see them much. Of course, Uncle Matthew had died before I was born so I had never met him, but mom and they have always kept in touch. 

“Save them Rilla, your father and I already have talked it over and moved around somethings.” She tells me with a shake of her head. “ Actually Dad and I were thinking about moving you into the twin's room,” Mom adds at the last minute. 

“But I like my room?” I say frowning.   
Mom raises an eyebrow but decided it’s not worth it. “It will be tight and have to be rearranged,” she warns me.

I shrug as I look at the matching little dresser that also doubled as a changing area. “Maybe we can move my desk into the spare room for now and I can study in there when I need to study? I don’t want to take Nan and Di’s room from them, even if they are halfway moved out at this point. I’m sure Shirley will move into Walter's old room at some point, not wanting to be around the baby?” I tell her. 

“I suppose that is true,” Mom said nodding her head. “So you like this one?” She asked going back to the crib.   
I nod my head. “It matches my room,” I say simply. I wasn’t overly picky, I also never even imagined I would be picking out baby things at this point in my life. I looked over to Joy who was just watching intently as I made my choices.

“Well, pick up out some bedding for the registry than with Joy,” she tells me and Joy grins and holds up her scanner. We find the bedding and I scan things at random. I wasn’t fussy, but I couldn’t help be in awe over the ballerina mice that danced around the sheets. 

“So how is the third trimester?” Joy asks me as we scan things. 

“So far the same as the second,” I tell her. “I’m just bigger and peeing more.” 

“What do you think about this?” She holds up a package of moons and stars fitted sheet. I nod my head, looking to see if they had a matching blanket. 

“Joy, there are no actual blankets, it’s all just fitted sheets?” I look to Joy and look around the shelves for blankets.

“That's because babies don’t need blankets, they sleep in sacks and warm clothing. Blankets can actually suffocate infants if they can’t roll away to breathe,” Mom tells me as she comes up behind us. “Have you read any of the books I got you?”

“Just the ones on pregnancy and I usually I reach the part about mucous plugs, before wanting to throw up,” I tell her honestly. I avoid most chapters that pertain to anything about labour.   
“Well, next time think before going to a party and getting drunk and maybe you wouldn’t have to be reading about such things,” Mom reminds me. 

“Mom,” Joy says quietly. 

“It’s fine, it’s not like she’s not wrong,” I say quietly. Not wanting to start anything in the middle of a store.

“Oh, Mattress protectors are a must of course,” Mom went on. “Oh your brothers were always the worst, I think it was Jem, who always managed to take off his diaper at night. I went from having this sweet little angel of a sleeper,” Mom says look at Joy with something of maternal look in her eyes. “To this little boy who rather plays with his own poop than sleep for us.” 

I look at her crinkling my nose as run my hands over my bump, suddenly very happy that she was a girl.

“Walter thought was very much a quiet observer of a baby, the twins well I don’t actually remember much from the sleep deprivation we had. But as long as they were together they were fine. Of course, Grandma Blythe stayed with us when they were born. Shirley tried to eat everything he could get his hands on,” Mom went on. 

“And Me?” I ask her curiously.   
“You were my best sleeper, by the time you were two weeks old you were sleeping through most of the night. However you rolled around like you were on a mission, you were also the fastest walker.” Mom told me. “Why do you think you were in dance, you wouldn’t stop moving around?” 

I nod my head frown. I miss dance, I still work a few evenings and Saturday mornings but it's not quite the same. Tessa was kinda about my limitations about taking an easy, but I missed dance, I missed dancing and that feeling it gave me. 

  
“We’ll bring up the old rocking chair for you, dad plans on refinishing it for you when spring comes,” Mom adds on bringing me from my thoughts as she hails down and employee’s and tells them she would like to order the pieces as Joy and I finish up with the registry. 

I feel guilty as I see the total, shyly standing next to my sister trying to hide from the view of the cashier who was looking me over. I know they make good money, or at least Dad makes good money, but the total made me almost jump. This was just for our place as well Ken would need his own things maybe not as much but she would need somewhere to sleep and sit. 

“The baby shower things, I can share those with Ken right?” I ask her. “It would help him out too?”

“I thought he had a job interview?” Mom asked me.

“He did, but he hasn’t said much about it,” I tell her truthfully to which she frown outs.   
“You’ll have more stuff than what you know to do with, so probably a good idea if that’s what you wish to do,” Mom tells me. “Though she’ll be mostly with you though,” she reminds me. 

I know they have contacted a lawyer to help figure out custody that Owen is pushing for Ken. I don’t know exactly what everything means but it seems fair to me so far.

“I know, I just think it would be nice to share things,” I tell her.

Joy squeezes my hand. “Come on let’s head over to Chapters and get some Starbucks and browse? Plus we can do some more shopping or window shopping at the mall? We can get some lunch while we're there?” I look to mom for permission.

“I have to run to the hospital to drop something off to your father, so if you want to stay with Joy you can,” she tells me.

“I think Olivia was supposed to be in town, do you mind if I ask if she’s still here?” I look to Joy, wondering if she would mind I found my friend. 

“Sure, I have yet to meet her,” Joy tells me nodding her head and I grab my phone from my purse. I send off a quick text to Olivia and look back to Joy. 

“She’ll meet us at Chapters,” I tell Joy who nods her head. 

I see Olivia waiting for us as we walk into the store. I walk quickly towards her as she hugs me hello. 

“You know you do a fair job at school hiding that bump of yours,” she tells me shaking her head as she rubs it through my sweater, as I left my jack in the car. 

“Well, I try not to bring attention to it especially at school,” I remind her. “Olivia, this is Joy, Joy Olivia,” I introduce them. 

“So you are the lady keeping this one sane,” Joy says with a smile. “Thank you, for you being around for Rilla.” 

“It’s nothing truly,” Olivia said blushing. “So what are we looking for here?”

“Starbucks I think,” I tell her with a small yawn. “I need my daily dose of caffeine that I am allowed to have before I can manage more shopping, Aunt Marilla made mom take me to BabiesRus for the gift registry, you are coming to that right?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world you know that,” Olivia grins at me. “Mom and I have already been shopping for it as well,” she teases me as we get in line at the Starbucks within the Chapters and Order our drinks. Joy ends up paying for all of us which Olivia tries to object to.

“I don’t know how you even like coffee at sixteen,” Joy shakes her head. “It took me ages to find a way to like it.” 

“Because we have Starbucks to show us the way of the dark side?” I say with a small giggle while looking at Olivia who was already drinking her latte. My own small iced coffee was being sipped slowly as I ignored a look from an older lady. 

We were browsing back towards the coffee shop as Olivia excused herself to go to the washroom, half-hour later as we held our items we mean to purchase. Suddenly I turned towards the bookcase, hearing a voice above it on the other side, one that I instantly recognized.

“Why am I here? Why are you here?” I hear him say. 

“Really, why am I here? Because apparently coming here is the only way to get ahold of you,” A girl's voice suddenly comes into play as she responds. “Look I know we came back from the trip and decided to just let things be, but really you couldn't even tell me that you moved to the place I thought you hated? You always complained about how boring it was with Walter and now you suddenly living here. No word or explanation just pouf you’re gone? I went through three people just to figure out where you were!” 

Is this Maggie? Why was she here? Joy looks at me as I hide behind the bookcase. 

“Maggie, I did message and call you before Christmas when I got back to Toronto, but you didn’t call me back for what five days? And by then you were in Banff and were too busy to even video chat with me, I asked and you told me you didn't have time,” Ken rebuttals. 

“Well, I’m here now, so what’s going on, why move out here?” She asks him.

“Well, for one it’s complicated, extremely complicated,” I hear Ken retort

“I doubt that, you always make everything sound complicated when it’s not,” she laughs as she knows him better than I do and the reality is, that she does. “All I know is my contact at the ROM called me asking why you blew them off and I couldn't even explain it because I had no idea! I found out in two minutes you turned down your dream job, packed your bags and moved to the East Coast boonies? You were practically were hired at the Rom, all you need was that interview and you blew it off for what? You made me look like a fool when you didn’t show up! Now, what are you working in your cousin's photography studio?” 

“Maybe I had a change of heart, and I love photography,” he tells her back. 

“That's a load of bullshit Ken I know you, you were dying for that job. You wanted that job so much that you didn’t care about anyone or anything else.” Maggie said her voice rising. 

Joy looks at me. 

“We need to leave,” she tells me trying to drag me away. 

“I can’t leave now,” I hiss at her. 

“Oh, you want to tell him you eavesdropped on his private conversations?’ Joy hisses back. “That will go over well.” 

I glare at her unsure of what to do as look up towards the ceiling. 

“I found out I’m going to be a father Maggie, A father! I’m sorry if my life took an unexpected turn that you don’t approve of. While we’re on the subject of it, why did you delete that message on my phone that night?” 

“I did no such thing?” I hear her say indignantly. 

“Really? I remember you taking selfies, I have them on my phone from that night it says on her phone that she messages. The message isn’t anywhere and it all points to you,”   
He was getting angry now

“If it was that important she would have just message you again,” Maggie snaps back. 

“You made her think for months that I didn’t care, you made her feel like I rejected her in the worst possible way,” I hear him tell her. Olivia who had gone to the bathroom had come back to where we were waiting for her, confused about why Joy and I were fighting. 

“Hey I think Ken is—,” Olivia says out loud and I shush her by waving my hands at her.

Joy grabs me, “We’re going,” she tells us with another hiss and drags me away. Olivia following us to another section of the store. She forces me to look at more books and toys suitable for newborns. We were heading to checkout as Olivia had to meet her mother when we ran into Ken in the baby section looking at things. 

“Rilla, Joy, Olivia,” He said looking up in shock he said as he was holding a stuffed bunny in his hand. “I didn’t know you were shopping today,” 

“Just hanging out,” Joy tells him with a smile. “We were doing some nursery and gift registry shopping,” she said told him. “You can join us if you want, the two of you can buy some clothes. You know, so the rest of us can finally give you some presents,” Joy told him while teasing both of us in wanting to buy her first outfit together.   
Ken looks at me and I wave my hand saying it didn’t matter to me, but he looks nervously around. 

“I heard,” I tell him not wanting to have him suffer. “Kinda hard not too,” I say motioning to the store, “but if you worried about her running into us. It’s fine, we’ll shop on our own,” I tell him. I can see him be somewhat relieved that I knew that Maggie showed up, but at the same time even more worried and it's not like Charlottetown had another mall to go hide at. 

“No no, we should get some things at some point,” he said shaking his head, holding up the bunny with a pink bow around her neck. “They say it’s safe for newborns,” he says. 

“It’s adorable,” I tell him with a smile as I rest my hands onto my bump. 

“Mom is here,” Olivia breaks into the conversation. “I’ll see you at school, nice meeting you Joy, Ken nice to see you again,” Olivia tells us before dashing off with a final hug for me 

Ken looks back at me as we get into line to pay for our purchases separately and go into the mall. We end up shopping through various stores, looking at various little pieces of clothing. In the end, we found a dress that we both liked. A tiny thing that was white eyelet with tiny little flutters and tucks on it. I’m sure it would only last a few hours but it was too cute to pass up, while we picked up some more pastel floral sleepers for her that had little butterflies and birds on them. 

Joy hangs back as she looks around the baby clothes with interest I hadn’t seen before sighing to herself. We end up in the food court as I sit down and drink a smoothie, going over what we bought. Joy had left us at this point needing to get home, and Ken offered to drive me back to Glen. 

I see Ken stiffen as spots someone, for the first time I get a look at who I only know from photos, that is Maggie. She had dark hair and a body that I could never achieve, she catches my gaze and I find myself looking away embarrassed. I mean at least I wasn’t in my school uniform. At least I could potentially look older than I am. 

I ended up back at Ken's as he offered to drive me home. Dad had an emergency and mom had texted saying that Aunt Diana had called with some sort of theatre tickets. I called her to let her know that we found Ken at the mall and was going to have dinner with him since I hadn’t seen him since last weekend. 

“So she just showed up?” I ask took a bite of my salad that I picked up when he grabbed a couple of slices of pizza.   
“Yeah, she wanted explanations, which is fine. She deserves them. I never meant to ghost her. She kept asking what was going on, and why I was here. So said I had some things come up that changed everything for me.” Ken said in-between a bite of his pizza. “That I was sorry for the miscommunication there was between us, but it’s not like she has been calling or texting me either. ” He stopped and exhaled chewing on his pizza.   
  
“Finally I just told her I was about to be a father,” Ken said looking at me and I blushed looking away. 

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but we just sort were there?” I tell him and he nods his head. “So she deleted it?”

“It’s fine, neither of us knew we would both be there. But yeah, the day you messaged me, I was with her. I must have fallen asleep or gone for a shower or something and left my phone. I guess she somehow knew my passcode, saw your message me while taking selfies and just decided to delete it. She didn’t even put together your last name with Walters, of course, I didn’t say it was you. She doesn’t need to know that” Ken sighed. 

“Well, she probably knows now if she friends with Walter on anything.” I tell him, “It's not something we can hide it forever.” I remind him as I nibble on my slice of pizza

“I was thinking of making a formal announcement to my friends who don’t know yet? On Facebook and Instagram sort of thing? I know you haven’t said anything, but would be all right if I did?” 

“She’s your daughter too, I never posted or post about it, because it was easier to ignore it if people didn’t know. All my ballet friends I made over the years from summer intensives, they know something is up since I just dropped off the face of the earth when I began showing. Maybe just for both of our sakes right now, leave me out of it?”

I watch Ken nod his head. “Of course, I would never say it was you if you wanted to remain in the background. If Maggie says anything on Facebook and Instagram, I’ll unfriend or block her. I don’t think she will say anything but I don’t want to chance it when it comes to you.” I nod my head as a thank you. Ken got up, setting his plate with dinner on the coffee table. 

“Ice cream?” He asks me as he walked to the freezer. “I have strawberry?” He says opening the freezer. “I have some pickles if that is needed?”   
I make a face, really does he think that all pregnant women have strange cravings? “Ice cream sure, pickles no thank you.” I tell him, “Just a bit though, ice cream never sits well with me.” I tell him. 

Ken nods his head and goes on to scooping out ice cream. It was still very much a much larger portion I would have allowed myself, but considering mine was half the size of his. Clearly, he knew nothing about portion sizing. 

“Oh, umm,” I start off. “I know they aren’t really guy things, but you are more than welcome to come to the baby shower. I was thinking since I’m sure whoever Aunt Marilla is inviting will stock us up on things, that we can open things together and we can split up some of the things?” I explain to him.

“If you want me there, I’ll be there,” he says, looking over to a pile of Amazon boxes stacked up. “Mom has been buying things and sending them to me pretty much every day of the week.”

“We got the crib today, and a bassinet,” I tell him. “I don’t know if I got to tell you either, but I passed math,” I tell him licking ice cream off my spoon. “Probably would have failed without your help, so thank you,” I say softly.

“It was nothing,” He responds still rather quiet like most of the night. I don’t think I’ve seen him in such a way. Ken works on something on his phone before he turned the phone towards me. 

“So how did the interview go?” I ask him cautiously, and he frowns as he stabs the ice cream he was eating. I want to ask about whatever the Rom was, but decided against it for now.“What happened?”   
“Nothing,” he said sighing. “It’s just complicated, most museums do background checks and the Charlottetown museum is part of children’s programs.” He told me truthfully. 

“So what wrong? You have a criminal background I don’t know about?” I joke which doesn’t go over as I hoped it would. 

“Of course not,” Ken says rather hotly before sighing. “It’s just difficult as I am looking for benefits, hours and time off when she arrives. At the end of the day it’s not great in the middle of an interview when you go from talking about child protection laws to admitting the mother of your expectant child is still trying to finish high school,” he says.

“Can you not just, well, not tell them?” I frown, I can feel her move around as the cool ice cream disturbs her nap it seems as she goes into a frenzy of movements. 

“Sure, but at some point, it’s going to come out Rilla, I rather be upfront than have someone see us together at a park or hide you from my workplace. That only makes things look worse at the end of the day.” He explains as he shoves a large spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.

“I’m sorry,” I say quietly as I bite my bottom lip and I stir mine a bit more until it's soft and I eat a small spoonful. 

“It’s not your fault,” Ken says automatically. “At the end of the day it happened and we both agree that despite being drunk, it was consensual?” I nod my head to him in agreement. “It’s a no-win situation. If I don’t tell them it looks like I’m hiding it, if I tell them, well I’m opening up for them to not feeling comfortable with me being part of their team.” He eats another spoonful of ice cream, a bit more slowly this time, though I noticed his bowl was almost already finished.

“I don’t know, maybe I was foolish to think people would understand or not care. Because they do, and at least right now they care, which isn’t making finding a job easy. At least in my field of preference but I’ll work anywhere at this point.” Ken says looking up at the ceiling as if he was seeing all of his own dreams escape from reality. He looks back over to me and I scoot closer and take his one hand.   
“Sometimes when I’m feeling overwhelmed, I let her remind me at the end of the day that the main thing she needs is love,” I tell him as she kicks and moves about the inside of me. Of course, we both know that love doesn’t buy diapers or clothing, love doesn’t really buy anything, but right now it’s all we really had to our names. 

It was later when I got home and I showered and curled up in bed when I checked my phone.. Springing to life I saw my ultrasound photo.

_**So This Happened! Baby Girl, Due May 2018** _

Under the photo was dozens of:

**Get out of here!**

**Dude!**

**What is going on Kenneth!**

**What!**

I sigh and look at the little blob that was no a blob anymore, it was a fully formed baby, that was our child and closed the app. I run my hands down over my stomach, as tried to ignore the uncomfortable ache in my back and all the never-ending problems that came from this pregnancy.

I open the open once more and saw that he had replied to a few of them with a simple, ‘I know it’s unreal!’

Then I saw another comment. ' _ **I didn’t know that Maggie was pregnant!'**_ I wait a moment to see if he would reply.

 _ **‘She’s not, I’ll call tomorrow and explain Brad, just was heading off to bed!**_ ’ He wrote back.

For the first time, I took a deep breath and made a choice for myself. I starred at the mirror selfie, a selfie that displayed my bump in a striped red and white shirt that wasn’t maternity, but stretchy enough to still fit.

_**I didn’t know how to tell everyone, but this is why I’ve been quiet. Little Dancer is due springtime.** _

I take a deep breath and hit the post button on my Instagram and then I wait.

* * *

So this ended up being a long chapter! Hope everyone enjoyed it! For a laugh google, 80's maternity wear! It's hilarious! 

Tina


	19. Names to Serenade

I breathed in the cool February air as I stepped out of school, heading towards the bus stop down the road so I could get to work. Suddenly I see her as I was putting in my headphone. I stopped walking, unsure of what to do. Why was she even here? Why was Maggie here, waiting outside of school for me?

“Please, I just want to apologize,” she says as I try to pass her without looking at her. 

“Apologize?” I say in disbelief. 

“For what happened with your message,” she said genuinely. “I never meant—,” 

“But you did,” I tell her I stress to her. “I went through hell, I lied to everyone for weeks and months. I thought— I thought he didn't care and it crushed me. He shouldn’t have found out how he did.” 

“I know I am sorry for that, Ken and I talked this morning, more calmly this time and sorted out what happened.” She told me, which made me believe that Ken told her that I had unfortunately overheard them. “I just feel like I should explain that when I saw your message I was jealous. I never worried about him with other girls before, but it makes sense because he was hesitant to start anything back up on the trip. Like most of the time, things go astray after a few months. I get bored easily and he seemed distant. It just wasn’t the same, but we were on a trip and things just happened.” 

“Facebook though?” I spit out, blushing at admitting my own stalking. “It said…”

“That was just me being drunk,” Maggie said shaking her head. “It barely lasted a day. When we got back to Canada, things just fell into their usual pattern with us. Meaning I did my thing, and he did his. It was all very normal until when I heard about him blowing off the interview. I was angry because I pulled some mega strings through my father to get him that interview. I ignored his attempts to contact me, and when I realized that he wasn’t coming back and his phone number didn’t work anymore. Well, I went through a list of friends, before someone actually knew where he was. When someone finally told me I came out here to figure out what was going on. I didn’t expect, well I didn’t expect this. He didn’t owe me any sort of explanation, but he did try to give me one over Christmas and I didn't feel like listening to him. He’s a good guy doing what he's doing,” She tells me. 

“I know,” I tell her, wrapping my arms around myself. 

“Well, I won’t keep you,” Maggie told me. “I just wanted to apologize, I truly didn’t mean to hurt you.” 

I nod my head to her. "Thanks, I guess," I say awkwardly. "I have to get to work....so?"

"Oh, of course, I'm sorry," She says and I nod my head and make my way towards the bus stop. When I was far enough away I fish out my phone and hit Ken's number. 

“I don’t want you to do anything but, I just want you to know that Maggie found me after school today,” I say into my phone. “She apologized and I guess explained her side of things,” I add to the voicemail. “I’m heading to work now, I just wanted to let you know that,” I tell him before hanging up. 

I rush towards the bus stop, and wait for the bus, the driver looks at me when I pay my fare and look around for a spot. I find a spot and sit down with a sigh, pulling one of the many books mom had bought me to read. By the time I got to work, the sun was already setting as I open the door I kick the snow off my boots. 

“Rilla!” Tessa calls out. “How are you today?” 

“Besides feeling huge, all right I guess,” I tell her as I hang up my jacket and dig into my bag for my shirt I packed to wear to work. 

“You are far from huge, rules still apply. If you can’t say something nice about yourself, I’ll make you come up with three.” She tells me in her best ballet mistress tone. I turn around and cup my ever-growing bump that has picked up pace since I wasn’t allowed to dance which meant fewer burnt calories. It was a constant struggle now that Dad thought I was having problems gaining weight. It was like it was his mission to constantly offer me food and not taking no for an answer. “Still far from huge dear, from behind you would never even know. You’re all belly.” 

“Well, I am going to change,” I say holding up my shirt that was not my uniform polo,” I tell her 

"There is some fruit on the table in the green room, have some,” She calls out to me as I go towards the bathroom. 

I change and go pee and fluff up my hair before going to explore the fruit. I grab some grapes and strawberries and eat them as I check over the schedule. 

“So there is a shipment of shoes waiting to be stocked. I placed it by the counter for you, if you need anything or help let me know,” Tess told me when I came back into the showroom. 

“Sounds good,” I tell her with a smile, waving as she skips off to go teach the class. 

I look at the box and grab that first pair and check the size and order number before cataloguing them. I went through the box, setting aside the custom order ones to call so they knew they had arrived. 

When the stock shoes were put away, and customers called I sat down on the large exercise ball Tess had out in the showroom. Judging the room for a minute, tutu’s could be rearranged and tidied, and the leotards seemed to be out of order. 

I sat for another moment before I heard the door hit the chime. 

“Hi! We looking for anything today?” I ask getting up and hiding back behind the counter. 

“Yes I need a new pair of slippers and tight for my daughter,” she says. 

“Have you shopped here before? Do you know what size she needs?” I asked, hitting the mouse of the computer to bring it back to life. 

“I have it written down somewhere,” the older woman says digging in her purse. “Childs small for tights, and a size 2 in the daisy shoe,” she said. 

I nod my head before heading towards the rack of tights. “Ballet pink or skin tone?” I ask her, and I can see her looking me over. 

“Oh, pink please, shoes as well,” she said blushing as she everts her eyes from me. I grab pink ballet slippers and walk back to the counter. 

“When are you due?” She asked hesitantly. 

“May,” I tell her automatically as I scan her purchases and ring them up. “32.60, is the total.” 

“Debit, please,” She says. “I never thought ballet would be so expensive.” 

“Well, it only will get worse if she sticks with it,” I tell her. “Though I am sure my parents would have plunked down the 30k of tuition and dorms if they knew it would keep this from happening?” I joke and she stands there unsure of what to say. “Do you wish to make a file for your child? We can keep track of her sizes and shoe styles if you ever forget?” I ask her. 

“Please,” she says nodding her head. “You used to be part of the intermediate division, you did that solo at the recital?” 

“I did the Blue Bird variation from Sleeping beauty.” I nod my head and run through basic name information and set her up with an account. 

“My daughter was in the edge of her seat, she kept looking for you at the Christmas show, she loved your red hair.” The mom goes on. 

“Well, if you don’t mind the question that will inevitable come from her mouth about why I’m not a pretty dancer right now. I will be more than happy to sign a pair of pointe shoes for her,” I tell her mother. 

“I’ll keep that in mind, thank you have a good night and good luck,” she said motioning to my stomach. 

I smile at her and watch her leave, I sigh and decide to start organizing things. I helped customers as they came in. At one point my back was killing me I moved myself to the barre. Using gravity to try and take some of the pressure and stretch out my back and hips. 

“You’re not supposed to be doing that,” Ken says from the doorway. “I rather not tattle on you to the doctor.” 

“I’m just stretching out my back, you try carrying around 20 pounds around and not have a sore back. What are you doing here?” I ask him. 

“I was driving home and thought I would stop by to say hello,” he says with a shrug.

“Driving from where?” I ask him as I lean forward, letting gravity take hold as I grasped the barre. 

“Well, I drove Maggie back to the airport,” he said looking around the store. “We talked some more, and she told me what she apologized to you.”

I only nod my head not wanting to think about them, or her in general. “Anyway, I was wondering if you needed a ride home? Need anything, did you eat dinner?” He asks me. 

“Mom should be picking me up and I'll have dinner at home. As for the rest, I would love for this to be over with,” I roll my eyes,

“You're only twelve weeks away at this point,” he points out. 

“Three months Ken, three months is a long time when you can’t even see your feet,” I stress to him.

“Well, I won’t bother you then,” he says with a nod of his head. 

“We still on for Saturday?” I ask him quickly. Meaning I, helping him dive into the boxes that Leslie had sent to him. 

Ken nods his head. “Of course,” he says. “Let me know when you want to come over,” he tells me. “I’ll be helping my cousin with a shoot tomorrow, so if it takes me a while to reply or call back. I’m just working.” 

“I’ll remember that,” I say with a smile. “Have a good night,” I tell him. 

“You as well,” he says before leaving the store. I sigh and go back cleaning up a few areas. By the time I got home, I was exhausted I shrugged off dinner saying I wasn't hungry and just wanted to sleep and that I had some fruit and vegetables at work.

The rest of the week went by slow, or it felt slow. This semester was fairly easy, I had music class, grade 11 math, French and English class this semester. Olivia is in the majority of my classes which made school more interesting. We both played the flute in music, and we’re in history and English together. Math was slightly easier this time around as it was more practical math and not the headache-inducing math that I endured. 

After I finished work on Saturday I caught the bus back to Glen, getting off at Kens instead of home.

“I made us some lunch,” he said as he unlocked the door for me after buzzing me in. I see plates of salad on the table with two sandwiches, on looking like cucumber and tomato and tomato for me, while his has some sort of meat on it. 

I smile at him and take a seat, he seems in a better mood than previous. 

“You know, sometimes I wonder where you hide all the regular college food that you must have around here.” 

“I mostly eat that during the week when you’re not around,” He tells him with a grin and I shake my head at him

“So how was your morning?” I ask him. 

“It was good, actually I got another job interview. It’s with the university, they have a couple of heritage sites that need some archival help,” He says grinning. “It’s a bit of a solitary type of job, more office work which I don’t think I will mind.” 

“When do you interview for it?” I ask him taking a bite of the sandwich he made me. 

“Monday,” he told me biting into his own. “I should be fine for your appointment though,” he adds on. 

“It’s just a check-up,” I tell him. “Nothing new or crazy, if you can’t make it I can get either take the bus or have mom bring me.” 

“I know, but I like being there,” he said looking at me. I nod my head to him and we finish lunch, I notice he leaves his salad, where I polish mine off before I even finish my sandwich. 

“So what do you want to start with?” I ask him looking at the boxes that were piling up. 

“Well, I got together a small dresser last night, and my cousin helped with the crib,” he said leading me into the small spare room to show me. It was all white with some pink accents, Leslie’s doing most likely

“Well, let's see what she sent then?” I say to him, not sure what to do. I settle down on the floor and he hands me a pair of scissors, before turning on the stereo that was connected to his iPod before we get to work. It turned out to be a bunch of things, things mom had stocked upon as well. Receiving blankets, little socks and sleepers. Baby bath time kits that had shampoo and lotion and nail clippers. A pad to change the baby on with cornstarch baby powder and diaper rash cream. Small toys and sheets for the crib. 

By the end of it, I was yawning as he sorted the boxes for recycling. I hold my hands out to him when I realize that getting up was going to be harder said than down. Ken smiles slightly and grasps my hands and pulls me up. “I’ll be back,” I tell him as I walk towards the small bathroom. I go pee for what seems like the millionth time since this morning. When I come out the mess is cleared away and I sit on the couch watching him organize a few things. 

“Hey, come see this,” I tell him he looks back to me and steps a touch closer. “Do you see it?” I ask him, meaning as you could see the skin of my bump move and jump in places.

“What is she doing in there?” He asks sitting down next to me. 

“It feels like she playing soccer,” I tell him honestly. “Here,” I take his arm and settle it on one of the more active spots. 

“I don’t think that will ever get old,” he says shaking his head. “How did your ballet friends take to the news?” He asks as he feels her kick around. 

“A lot of them were surprised, they asked some questions about you and what it meant for the dance itself,” I tell him. “I didn’t say much about you, and said the future is always unfolding so who knows what will happen.” 

Ken nods. “Most of mine are shocked, I just mostly say you’re an old family friend to keep it easy right now,” he tells me. “If their older friends I give them more details, apparently none of them ever thought of me as a father so it’s a mind-bender for them.” 

“I don’t either of us pictured each other in such roles,” I agree with him, my ears picking up the music in the background. “Jimmy Eat World,” I say recognizing the band. 

“You know Jimmy Eat World?” He says looking up at me surprised. 

“I have plenty of older siblings who have passed down CDs to me.” I give him an ‘are you serious’ look. “I may not watch a lot of T.V, but I know music,” I tell him. 

“Fair enough,” he said smiling as I yawn. 

“Do you want to go home?” He asked looking at the clock. I didn’t have to be home for another few hours. I shake my head, not wanting to. 

“Can I just have a nap here?” I ask. “I rather not deal with home if I don’t have to.” 

“Of course,” Ken said slowly. “Use the bed if you want,” he told me. 

“Uhh,” I say. “Can I have my stomach back?” I ask him as his hand is still across it, exactly where I had put it.

“Oh right!” Ken said quickly taking back his hand, flushing rather bright red. “The sheets are clean.” He told me hurriedly. “Well, sort of, I washed them the other day.” 

“Already better than Shirley or Jem,” I tell him with a smile as I stand up and stretch out my back. “You don’t mind me taking a nap?” I ask him again. 

“Go nap, I have some work to do,” he told me as he motioned to his laptop. I nodded and made my way to the one bedroom. I laid down and pulled the spare blanket over myself. It smelled like him which brought back many memories. 

I don’t know what thought I was on when I work up to soft strumming. Disorientated I looked around the darkroom, I laid there and just listen as the longer it went on, the more I realized it had to be Ken playing the guitar. Some of the songs I knewr and some of them were him just messing around as softly as he could. One could say it would be rude to play while someone was sleeping, but I could sleep through Shirley practicing piano. It didn't bother me as I loved listening to any sort of music. 

He faded into a new song, one I recognized as soon as I heard him start singing. 

_I felt for sure last night_   
_That once we said goodbye_   
_No one else will know these lonely dreams_   
_No one else will know that part of me_   
_I'm still driving away_   
_And I'm sorry every day_   
_I won't always love these selfish things_   
_I won't always live,_   
_Not stopping_

I lay back down, rubbing our child in lazy circles as I count her kicks as I listen to him. I know this song, the further he gets into it, I can hear the lyrics and the original in my head. He still carries the regret in him. More than I think he should as it wasn’t just him that night that lead to that awkward morning where I did up my bra with my back turned to him. How he tried to make the situation right, how he tried to make sure I got home safe. How different would it be if I hadn’t been late, or if the test had been negative? I suppose we will never know now. 

_It was my turn to decide_   
_I knew this was our time_   
_No one else will have me as you do_   
_No one else will have me, only you_

His voice was something I didn’t expect, but it was full of emotion. A jumble of feeling that came from the situation we had found ourselves in. In many ways, I can see him thinking about the baby as he plays parts of this song because she was the one thing that belonged to him. 

She was ours, she was his. She will be his daughter, and her Father which is rather an unbreakable bond I am learning. 

_You'll sit alone forever_   
_If you wait for the right time_   
_What are you hoping for_   
_I'm here I'm now, I'm ready_   
_Holding on tight_   
_Don't give away the end_   
_The one thing that stays mine_   
_Amazing still it seems_   
_I'll be twenty-three_   
_I won't always love what I'll never have_   
_I won't always live in my regrets_

He was almost twenty-three. I can understand the pull to the song for him now. I can only hope that we manage to give her a life that is filled with love. That our regrets will fade as we both grow older. I’m not sure if we are ready for this, but it was going to happen even if we aren’t. I laid in bed for another moment as I listened to him, letting it lull me back to sleep. 

When I wake up again it's not much later, but I finally pull myself up from the bed rubbing my eyes. I stumble out of his room and down the short hallway. 

“Sleeping beauty is awake,” he says looking up from his spot. 

“So it seems,” I say. “May I?” I ask him motioning to his guitar, and he nods. 

I play around with the few chords I learned back in school. 

“I didn’t know you could play,” he said watching me. 

“I can’t really, I tried a few years back in school, but it didn’t really take,” I tell him with a small laugh. “Though I can play the flute, decently well,” I tell him. “A bit of piano as well, but I am nowhere near Shirley's accomplishment. How long have you been playing?” I ask him, refusing to look at him while he tried to figure out if I heard him earlier. 

“Most of my life,” Ken said as he motioned for the guitar back. It takes me a moment before I recognize the song. 

_Your just a small bump I, in four-month you're brought to life_   
_You might be left with my hair, but you'll have your Mothers' eyes_   
_I'll hold your body in my hands, be as gentle as I can_   
_But for now, you're a scan of my unmade plans_

As he sings I wonder if it is ironic that he was playing Ed Sheeran when another one of his songs had brought us together that night? 

_I'll hold you tightly, I'll give you nothing but truth,_   
_If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you_   
_You are my one, and only_   
_You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight_   
_Oh you are my one, and only_   
_You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight_

_You're just a small bump unknown and you'll grow into your skin_   
_With a smile like mine and a dimple beneath your chin_   
_Fingernails the size of a half grain of rice_   
_And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide a small bump,_   
_In four months you'll open your eyes_

I join in softly, letting the lyrics tumble from my lips as he goes through the chorus once more, it’s more of a whisper

_You can lie with me, with your tiny feet when your half asleep,_   
_I'll leave you be_   
_Right in front of me for a couple weeks_   
_So I can keep you safe_

He doesn’t play the ending, letting it fade out before he looked up at me. 

“Here I thought I was the only one that one that listened to that song,” I say quietly breaking the silence as he opens his eyes. “It’s frightening isn’t it, how surreal it can be at times? I’m sorry that this happened.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” he said after a short moment. “I’m just as much as fault for it, though another song of his was playing that night wasn’t it?”

I only nod my head thinking back to whatever song had been playing. 

“She likes your voice,” I tell him as I sit there with my hands resting against my stomach. 

“We really need a name for her,” he says as he plucks a few strings here and there. Not playing fully, but enough to keep up a melody. 

I shrug, I am far from worried at the moment. “I’m pretty much at a loss, as much as I love Eowyn, there is little way to spell it that is not, well Tolkien,” I tell him truthfully. “Do you have any ideas?” 

“Alexandria?” He says and I scrunch up my nose and shake my head. “Jordan?”

“Aren’t those names of places in Egypt?” I ask him and he chuckles. 

“I loved it there,” he says smiling with a small shrug. “Though you’re wanting to name her from a series. You can’t mock me for doing something of the same thing,” He tells me with a smirk.

“Olivia jokes saying I can always name her after her. I told her if I named her Jamie which is her middle name, Jem might think it was for him! James, Jamie," I tell Ken with a laugh as I play with my Evenstar that I was still wearing that Jem got me. “Can’t have that.” 

“We’ll leave Jem to name his own kids after himself,” Ken chuckled. 

“I have somewhat of a name, but I’m not sure if it will work or not,” I tell him truthfully. 

“What is it?” He asks me. 

“Owen,” I tell him bravely. “I used to say Eowyn, as Eh-Owe-in and not the proper way.”

“That's my father's name,” he says, suddenly understanding why I wasn’t sure if he would go for it. 

“It’s foolish I know,” I say flushing and pushing myself up to my feet as I hear my phone ring in my purse.

“I didn’t say I didn’t like it,” Ken places the guitar aside and stands up. “I just never thought of it as a girl's name.” 

“Either way, saying it out loud made me think of how silly the idea even was,” I shake my head to him, and read the text my parents had sent me. “I should get home before they blow a gasket,” I tell him. 

Ken nods his head and grabs his car keys, "I'll drive you." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song lyrics within this chapter, that do not belong to me, but make me feel many things when it comes to this chapter.   
> 23 --Jimmy Eat World   
> Small Bump Ed Sheeran
> 
> Hope everyone had a good week! Thank you all for the lovely comments from the previous chapter. I can't believe that I am on Chapter 19 already! Where has the time gone since I began posting this!


	20. Building Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluttering Fresnels Playlist 
> 
> Cruel Summer- Taylor Swift  
> Night Changes-One Direction  
> Love me Like you do- Ellie Goulding  
> Shape of you-Ed Sheeran  
> When it all falls apart-The Veronicas  
> Shoulda Been Simple-Marie Digby  
> Style-Taylor Swift  
> Perfect-Marianas Trench  
> When the Love Fall, Wait There and Kiss the Rain by Yiruma.  
> 23- Jimmy Eats World  
> Small Bump- Ed Sheeran  
> She Hasn't always been this way- Doc Walker

Late February

30 weeks.

* * *

‘Okay Shirley, if you hold up your side, I will anchor in mine,” My dad tells my brother as they try to assembly the crib that had been delivered.

“But the instructions?” Shirley spoke up confused as it was like Dad was skipping a step.

I look over to Wynnie who was laughing lightly as we sat on my bed watching them. “I didn’t think this would be so much fun,” she comments

“I’ve built more than one crib before,” Dad tells my brother with a stern voice. “They haven’t changed that much in 20 years!”

“You sure about that?” Shirley says underneath his breath and grinning at Wynnie who laughed louder. He quickly steals a kiss before she swats at his butt. Dad grumbles under his breath and grabs the instruction from Shirley to read them over once more.

“You know, Ken already built the one at his place, I’m sure he can give you some pointers,” I chip in and both men turn to glare at me.

“We can manage without him thank you,” Dad says gruffly. “Though you sitting there watching us doesn’t help us much.”

“But I’m supposed to watch, I’m not allowed to do anything strenuous remember,” I smile sweetly. “I mean we can get you some water,” I say looking over at Wynnie who smirks and holds up to screws they were evidently looking for.

“You are positively evil,” I laugh and Shirley looks back to the bed.

“Hand them over,” He says holding out his hand.

“Shirley I said to hold—,” Dad shouts at him, like the piece he was holding came apart once more.

“I’m a fucking doctor, I can assemble a crib,” Dad says under his breath as he struggles with the tools it takes. I wiggle my way off the bed, stepping over things.

“I’m going to get something to drink,” I say out loud and head downstairs.

“How’s your Father doing?” Mom asks as she sees me come down the stairs.

“Pitifully?” I answer. “It’s like he’s never built a crib before.”

“Well, Matthew humoured him when they built the cribs over the years,” Mom tells me with a smile. “Brilliant doctor will most likely hit his thumb with the hammer instead of the nail.”

“I offered to call Ken who got his set up, they didn’t appreciate it,” I tell her with a light laugh as I grab my water bottle and head back up the stairs to find mom now joining in on watching Dad and Shirley tackle the crib with a smile on her face. 

It took most of the evening and several videos on snap chat later the crib and small changing table, drawers were complete. It made everything seem much more real to me, I took a deep breath snapping a photo.

 _ **The countdown is beginning.** _I add a caption to the photo before posting it.

I get up from my bed and wander to the bathroom in my too-small tank top and pair of shorts that still somewhat fit me. I go pee and wash my hands before I look down at the scale.

I step on it.

I sigh as I look down at the number on the scale, there was no avoiding it and it finally happened. I actually hit 140 pounds and sure everyone could tell me that it was all belly and boobs, but my hips and butt were also large. 25 pounds, a whole twenty pounds.

I jump at the sound of the door opening. “Oh, I’m sorry!” Wynnie says, dressed in a pair of pyjamas. When did she start spending the night here?

“It’s fine,” I say kicking the scale back towards the wall. “It’s all free.”

“You know you look good right?” Wynnie says to me.

“Do I?” I ask somewhat skeptical, pausing by the mirror, “I feel bloated and large.”

“You know, Shirley was worried about you, back last summer when you came back from your ballet thing. He was really worried about you almost being too thin,” she said blurting out and I turn to her shocked. Trying to think back to a summer intensive, how much we danced every day. They call it summer intensive for nothing, after all. I had dropped down to 108pounds for a good week or two before I went back up to 115.

“He thought I was bulimic,” I say quietly remembering too that even he also found out.

“He did,” Wynnie told me with a nod of her head. “Though guys have little knowledge of weight itself when I told him I weighed 130 pounds he thought I was joking.” She said.

“You’re not 130 pounds, I’m 140 right now and look at me!” I exclaim.

“I wear a size six, I’m 130 pounds and about the same height as you,” Wynnie shakes her head.

“Well, I’ll let you,” I says not sure what to say or do after her declaration. She nods her head and I got back to my room.

I dug through my closet, searching for the red sundress I wore and I hold it up to the mirror. It was tiny, but yet it used to fit me. I had been so elated when I had to go down a size when I had bought it out in Winnipeg. I brought it up to my nose as I try to breathe in whatever scent was left on it. It had to be my imagination if I smelt faint traces of the familiar cologne I was used to smelling by now, mixed with the smell of the campfire.

I take a photo of it laid out on my bed, mourning it in a way. I make it black and white, but the floral design still gives it away meaning to make a post of it, but I hear a knock at my door before I can. 

“Rilla, can we talk to you downstairs?” Mom says coming out of nowhere by my door.

I find nodding, wondering what talk it would be this week as I follow her to the kitchen. There is a plate of fruit cut up in the middle and I sit down as Dad who was yawning sat in one of the chairs.

“You’re not in trouble, we just want to go through some things with you,” Dad tries to reassure me. “Your due date is coming up, and we just want to lay in place some expectations and rules so to speak.”

“Okay?” I say unsure of what else to say as Dad pushes the platter of fruit towards me. I sign and pick up a strawberry.

“School is nonnegotiable of course,” Mom tells me. “I worked it out with your teachers that will do your exams early, written and practical exams. Come fall we shall see where we stand on routines and what can be done.”

“I didn’t think it would be,” I tell them honestly.

“We suggest you talk to Tess at the shop and figure out maternity leave soon and how long you wish to be off for,” Dad says next. “Give yourself time to heal, adjust, get your bearings. During the time we will cover the cost of things and get you set up with child benefit through the government. Then we can budget and decide what you and Ken will contribute, and what we will. Once you begin working again we can reevaluate when we contribute.”

I nod my head again. Money, to buy all the things I would need on a daily and weekly basis.

“We have your name on the waitlist for daycare, just in case. If things don’t work we will look into getting you a tutor or online schooling or a mix of both.” Mom tells me.

“What if I need something or want something?” I ask them hesitantly. “Like if I have birthday money?”

“If it was a gift, then it's yours to do as you please with.” Mom settles with, but they look at each other like I have no idea what I’m heading towards. “Though days of shopping around the malls for the newest pair of boots or tops will be the furthest thing on your schedule.”

“I can still have Olivia over?” I ask them.

“Olivia will always be welcome, but it’s not going to be the same Rilla. You’ll be tired, you’ll be trying to do multiple things at once. Olivia is a sweet girl, but not everyone understands what it's like to be a mother. Let alone a teen mother, trying to juggle school and work.” Mom tries to prepare me for whatever might happen.

“She’s not like that,” I try to tell him.

“I know, but sometimes life just happens,” Mom said with a sad smile.

“You're going to the birthing class tomorrow?” Dad cuts in and I nod my head.

“Ken picking me up and we’ll drive out to it. He started his job this week as well. It should give me a bit more information so I can formalize whatever sort of plan my doctor wants from me. Though really I plan to just get it out of me without too much pain or needles going into my spine.”

Mom snorts lightly. “I hate to break it to you, that unless you get an epidural you’ll be in pain.”

“What did you do?” I ask her thinking about papers I had printed out.

“Joy, Jem, Walter were natural, the twins before twins I ended up with an epidural. Shirley was an emergency c-section and you were a scheduled c-section so I had epidurals as well.” Mom relayed thinking back. I nod my head. “But you also danced on your toes for years, so it is hard to know what your pain tolerance is. I would say try it drug-free until you know you can’t do it.”

“It’s what most first-time mothers do,” Dad adds on. “You don’t need a diverse plan as you see on google. A simple request for possible pain relief. Intervention only when medically needed to ensure a healthy baby and mother, is the most important. I know you couldn’t switch doctors, but Burnley is knowledgeable and a fair doctor, they all are depending who’s on call. They did explain it could be anyone?”

I nod my head as I rub my hands over the large bump that was my child. “Will you help me go through the list I found on google?” I quietly ask for the first time since I had printed them out.

“Of course,” They both exclaim. I excuse myself to run up to my room and grab them and they work through and explain things why things were on the list.

“Do you want Ken in the room?” Mom asks as we come to that part of the list, even though it had Ken already stated on it.

“It’s his baby?” I say slightly confused. “Doesn’t have the right to see her born?”

“It’s a vulnerable moment, is what your mother is trying to say. Yes, he has a right to be there, but it’s also your body and your choice who you want in the room.” Dad tried to clarify.

“He wants to be there, and he promised to stay away from that area,” I tell them blushing. “Though you and Joy are welcome to be in the room as well,” I tell Mom. “If you want to anyway, while for you Dad. I know you're a doctor and all.”

“I understand, no one wants their father in the room,” Dad chuckles. “And if it happens that I am in that moment, I will hide away in a corner and pretend that I am somewhere else.”

I nod my head with a small smile.

“Are you going to try and breastfeed?” Mom asks me as we get near the bottom of the paper. I look at her with wide eyes.

“I don’t know? I know my doctor thinks it best but at the same time. I haven’t considered it fully,” I say honestly. “It’s the cheaper option, I won’t have to buy formula?”

“Fed is best,” Dad says automatically. “You can always try for a few weeks if it works out for you. If you don’t mind then all the better, but if you’re uncomfortable or not producing you can always switch over.”

“Though formula also allows Ken to take her for longer periods of time as well. All the same, if you’re in school you won’t have to pump or duck out and feed her between classes. So you can also take that into consideration,” Mom reminds him and me. I just groan at all the choices and decisions.

* * *

The class was in the bright and sunny community room near the hospital. The walls were plastered with posters of various babies in different stages and details about childbirth

Lamaze class. At least the free version the hospital hosted few times a month for new parents. It came complete with a tour of the ward as well. Everyone seemed so much older as I looked around the room awkwardly and unsure of what to do. Ken had run to the men's washroom, leaving me to sign into the class. I stood there unsure of what to do until I see an older woman bustle towards me with a clipboard.

“Welcome! I’m Stacey Lewis, you are?” She asks with a smile on her face.

“Rilla Blythe,” I tell her looking around.

“Ahaha, there you are. Is your boyfriend coming as well?” She asks.

“He’s not—,” I say, but I can smell his cologne before he even speaks.

“Sorry, had to use the washroom,” he said flashing a smile that could dazzle the weakest person.

“Well, take a seat, we’ll begin in a few moments,” she told us. “We’ll have some basic introductions and begin.”

I sit down next to the second youngest couple I see, or a girl at least who was either with her girlfriend or sister?

“I’m Lacey,” She says as we sit down.

“Rilla,” I tell her. “This is Ken,” I motion to him as he sits down as the class was being called to start.

We introduce ourselves one by one.

‘I’m Dominque, this is husband Chris we’re 28 weeks pregnant.’

‘I’m Kara and my boyfriend Dan, 31 weeks along so far.’

‘Dakota, this is my partner Kelly, 33 weeks.

“Lacey, this is my mom Kim,” the girl beside me answer. “Oh, 29 weeks!”

Everyone turns to look at me this time and I blush. “Hi, I’m Rilla, I’m 30 weeks and this is Ken,” I say and Ken waves to everyone.

Two or three more couples introduce themselves, and soon we get into the classes that are filled to the brim with information. Though it's embarrassingly awkward, at least for Ken and me once the teacher instructs us on the various positions to help with labour. I think it was the closest we had ever been, as I leaned into him as I sat in front of him, learning how to breathe through contractions. I could feel both of our faces burn red as his hands were placed on the back of my hips as I laid down on my side. I blushed hard and burned brighter as she had me raise my leg up in the air for him to hold it for me.

“Very good, you are quite flexible you don’t need to go so high,” she tells me.

“I’m a dancer,” I explain quietly and she nods her head going around the room.

Even Ken learned valuable information about support and what to expect when you see your partner in a lot of pain. If I didn’t come to the class with much of a birth plan in action, I knew by the end of it. I wanted drugs, all the drugs if the video she played for us told me anything.

She explained the process and recovery times for c-sections, which my eyes went wide. God, please don’t like them cut into me, don’t let them ruin my body in such a way! I feel Ken squeeze my hand as I look up towards him.

“You guy is cute,” one of the girls says to me as we watch the men have their hands at diapering dolls.

“He’s not—,” I start. “But yeah he is,” I say.

“How old are you?” Someone finally asks one of the older women of the class.

“I’m 16,” I say quietly.

“And your guy?” One asks looking over Ken.

“A couple of years older,” I say quietly. “It’s complicated, but he’s here which all that matters,” I tell them trying to say that I didn’t feel comfortable talking about such things with them.

The rest of the afternoon was touring the maternity ward, what the birthing suits looked like. All private for your stay. It was still much a mind-bender to think this was happening, in a strange way it was rather comforting that Ken had yet to let go of my hand. It was like he was thinking the same thing.

That this was insane that this was happening. That he was possibly frightened as much as I was.

“Rilla,” the instructor calls out to me as we were putting on our jackets. She waits a moment before the last couple leave.

“If you’re interested, there is a teen support group that meets twice a week. You’re not the only young mom in the city, it might be good for you to meet a few other moms to befriend so life isn’t so lonely.

“I’ll think about it,” I tell her, taking the pamphlet she held out and placed it in my purse.

“Are you up for seeing my mom?” Ken asks we walk to his car as the late February air was slowly warming up.

“Sure, do you want to go to the park? It rather warm we can video call her there and grab a coffee before we leave the city?”

“You and your coffee,” Ken says with a smile shaking his head. “but sounds good.” We drive to the park and find a quiet spot. I wait as Ken FaceTime his mother’s phone.

“Ken!” She exclaims, “And Rilla!” I pop my head into the shot and wave. “Let me look at you?” I hop off the bench and pose for Leslie as Ken turns the camera around on his phone. I turn around and show off my overgrowing bump. Letting Ken focus the camera on me for a moment. “Gosh, it’s surreal sometimes, to think you were the young girl running up to our house was goodbye cards you wrote us.”

“I did that didn’t I?” I groan a bit. Thankfully those would be long gone.

“Oh it was so sweet, I still have them stashed away somewhere,” she said looking around her office of sorts.

“Oh no, you don’t need to find them!” I exclaimed blushing. “Please, I don’t need reminders of how childish I was.”

“But it was so sweet!” She said gushing. “What did it say, Ken? That you the most handsome boy in the world? Or was it that she would love you with her whole heart while you were gone?”

“Mom, I thought you wanted to know about the baby, not embarrass us,” Ken slips into the conversation.

“Fine, fine, how is everything going?” Leslie sighed.

“It’s well enough I suppose. “Ten weeks to go.”

“It's daunting is it not?” She says. “How ready you are for it to be over with, but at the same time the thought of it is terrifying?”

I only nod my head as I sit next to Ken.

“How was your appointment?” Leslie asks through the video call.

“Well, I got a tetanus shot,” I say simply. “but everything seems to be good,” I say refusing to look at Ken who ultimately knew I actually managed to lose two pounds. I promised the doctor swearing up and down that I had weighed 140 over the weekend.

“Have you thought of your birth plan?” Leslie asked me next.

“Well, I opted for drugs and lots of drugs should I need them,” I tell her and she laughs.

“Always a good plan,” she agrees with me. “Anything else?”

“I want to keep fairly natural I suppose. I rather not be cut open unless it’s a life or death situation.” I expand, and that is all I have set in place, drugs and no c-sections unless it was dire. “Ken will be with me of course, he’s all signed up to cut the cord,” I add one making sure to say that I see Owen in the background.

“As he should be,” Owen comments from his spot. “But I am glad that everything is going seemingly.”

“You’ll be coming out?” Ken says speaking up to his parents.

“Of course, as soon as you’re at the hospital we will catch the first flight over to be there for you,” Leslie tells him. “We wouldn’t miss it for the world. How is school going?”

“It’s school,” I say automatically like any teenager. “I have a few projects to do so I can take my exams a month early, so I can I don’t have to worry about them come June.”

“What about next year?” Leslie inquires trying to figure out the plan, though I am sure she heard it from the mom already.

“I’ll try school, but we shall see what happens,” I tell her looking over at Ken. “Ken started his new job though,” I tell her with a small smile on my face. Trying to change the subject.

“Did you!” She exclaims and Ken gives me a look.

“It’s good mom, some basic archiving and dusting things essentially,” He tells her. “I’m still learning about the history so lots of reading in the evenings but soon enough I will be able to talk up the place like any other.”

“Is it enough hours?” Leslie asked with her curiosity peaked. “If you need anything?”

“I’ll manage,” Ken says after a moment. “I can’t live off your forever,” he says. He looks towards me. I don’t know much about his financial situation and he doesn’t really talk about it either. “I’ll be fine, please don’t worry mom.”

Leslie sighs and nods her head and returns to asking me questions.

It was almost dinner time when we stopped by the nearest Starbucks as I was thirsty. “What do you want, courtesy of Joy?” I asked him flashing my gift card.

“Green tea please, I’m just going to run to the bathroom,” he responds and I nod my head and glad to find no line as I order our drinks. I look at my phone as I wait for my iced coffee and Ken’s tea.

“Small iced coffee for Rilla” I perk up as I hear my name. I grab it and move over to the other small counter so I could unwrap my straw, I was about to pick it up when it was suddenly grabbed from the counter.

“Really dear, caffeine is not good for you,” she said suddenly seeing some older woman I didn't know at all talking to me. 

“Give me my drink,” I tell her and she refuses. “Please may I have my drink,” I try more politely and I notice a few looks starting to watch me?

“Caffeine isn’t good for,” she repeats. “Obviously no one told you that, but then again no one also taught you about birth control either, or how to keep your legs shut.”

“Actually, my father is a doctor so there was an abundance of birth control talks. But at the end of the day shit happens,” I snap at her, I reach for my drink and she swats me.

“Well, I hope for that child’s sake you’re placing it up for adoption, what kind of mother will you be? Your drinking coffee and what you’re 15?”

“I’m almost seventeen, not that is any of your business,” the barista is watching us.

“Please Ma’am we don’t tolerate harassment here,” they tell her as they pass me a new coffee and Kens’ tea. I go to grab my coffee, which has a sip lid this time so I don’t have to fiddle with a straw.

Before I could even take a drink she slaps it out of my hand and it crashes to the floor and I jump back as if I was burned.

“Apparently you can’t listen. Seriously you are going to be a high school dropout, I refuse to pay taxes for girls like you! You should be ashamed of yourself, don’t you know what the bible says about girls like you?” She shouts into my face.

“Hey, pregnant ladies can have a cup of coffee,” Someone shouts at her, my head buzzes and I feel tears run down my face.

“I suggest you leave,” a manager comes bustling towards the lady who slapped my drink out of my hand.

“It was being cleaned up and Ken came looking for me.

I was used to whispers, looks my way. The ever so hearable ‘ Don’t be like her,’ or ‘why is that girl having a baby.' I thought only adults have babies’ the latter coming from smaller children. Until now I mostly ignored them, but how do you ignore someone right up in your face? Someone taking your drink or slapping it out of your hand was a different experience altogether.

“Hey, hey it will be all right,” Ken says rubbing my back as I sniffle and sob. For a moment it felt like I could feel him kiss the top of my head. Or maybe it was my imagination? I truly don’t know at this point as I sobbed. One of the workers slides a pastry bag and on the counter, apologizing for the scene the woman had made once again. Asking Ken if he had wanted something.

“I’m going to get her home,” he said shaking his head.

I was still shaken and crying here and thereby the time Ken walked me inside.

“What in the world?” Mom said jumping up from the couch.

“There was some sort of mishap at Starbucks,” He explained quickly. “Some lady went all batshit over the coffee that she ordered apparently, she slapped Rilla’s drink right out of her hand.” He leads me down the chair and finds me a couple of tissue.

“Where were you?” My mom asks him almost accusatively as Dad comes in from the kitchen

“I went to the washroom, we were just getting coffee, I didn’t think?” Ken replies a touch confused.

‘You left a pregnant sixteen-year-old in a coffee shop, alone?” Mom says slowly, making each would have their emphasis. “My god both of you! You never leave her alone! Because the moment you do the women who think they have a right to berate a young girl to her face comes out. Do you know how many glares and looks I fend off or send off to people to mind their own business!”

“Anne,” Dad speaks up and tries to calm down mom. “Things happen, even if he was there whoever had an issue with one cup of coffee would have made a scene. At some point, we won’t be able to protect her.” Dad wraps his arm around me as I hiccup and cry. I blink away y tears seeing Ken stand there look defeated.

This was life.

* * *

Hope everyone is having a good week! It's been busy for me at work I actually forgot today was Friday when I got home! 

We got a lovely peek at Leslie and Owen, and of course Gilbert and Anne this chapter which makes me happy! Though I am loving Shirley and Wynnie for some reason, the more I write them the more they come alive in my head! I hope everyone is enjoying everyone as well. 

Thank you Jess for your patience with all my questions pertaining to 21st-century pregnancy questions. Thank you Claire for always being around to bounce ideas off of! 

**Author's Note:**

> Before anyone comments about ages...  
> The age of Consent is a tiered system in Canada.At 16....Rilla is of age, even if Ken is 22. 
> 
> I don't plan on them being a couple until a few years down the road either way. They need to learn how to be parents before they can even think about being together in any sort of way. 
> 
> Age of Consent in Canada  
> Age 12-13. A person can consent aslong as they are in a relationship that the other person is no older than a twp year age gap. 12-14, 13-15. 
> 
> Age 14-15. A person can consent as long as they are within a five year age gap. 14-19, or 15-20. 
> 
> Age 16+ Can consent to any relationship as long as the person in question is not in the role of authority towards the other person or illegal in any way. 
> 
> I'm not saying it right for Rilla and Ken. Clearly there is some guilt and issues between their ages and I would be absolutely livid if my 16-year-old stepdaughter came home and said she slept with a 22-year-old. 
> 
> This is just a short beginning, a tester of some sort how people may react to this story. I am willing to change Ken's age abit if it works better, or if he gets too much hate, but I am trying to stick to Cannon as much as possible at the moment and I like writing abit of drama!
> 
> I mostly want to see how people will react to this before I dive into prewriting this story. Please leave me a comment and tell me what you think so far. I have about 40 K written so far. 
> 
> Tina.


End file.
